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How We're Spending Friday Night...
How We're Spending Friday Night...

by listeningforthemuse in Dramatic Poetry
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Other Fiction

This thread was created on May 6, 2008
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A Beautiful Mess
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Sugarbowl   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Tue May 06, 2008 7:50 pm    Post subject: A Beautiful Mess Reply with quote

FIVE

That evening, Jess was sat on the sofa in the lounge eating a tangerine and silently cursing the May Ball. She was supposed to be writing an essay, but all she could seem to concentrate on was looking at possible dresses to wear on the Internet.

She was already too excited for words. Yeah, she enjoyed sitting around the house in her pyjamas, and going out on Thursday nights to drink in that shabby pub with her mates, but she couldn’t help thinking she was destined for bigger things. She wanted to be that girl that attracted the attentions of all the richest bachelors, only to turn them down because they’d never be good enough. She wanted to be that girl that sat on the piano whilst all her sisters gathered round and marvelled at her skills. She wanted to live like those that lived before the age of vodka and diet coke and poor Saturday night television, and the May Ball gave her that perfect opportunity.

She would be in her element. Tradition. Elegance. It was everything she loved. Dancing round the smartly dressed men, her perfect gown skirting round her ankles. It was a taste of the life she escaped to every time she read one of her favourite novels, a taste of the life she often hoped she could belong to.

Jess just wished it would come at a better time. She couldn’t exactly put all her work on hold while she made preparations for her biggest night of the year.

Jess looked up from the screen of her laptop. Daniel was pacing the floor in front of her.

“Will you sit down,” Jess snapped. “You’re distracting me.”

Daniel sat down without saying anything. He began tapping his foot on the wooden floor.

Jess had no idea what was making him so nervous. But she knew that he wanted her to ask. He was dying to tell someone, and it looked like it was Jess’s lucky day.

“For God’s sake Dan, what is it?”

Daniel turned to face her. “I thought you’d never ask. I’m going to see Kate tonight.”

Jess nearly choked on her mouthful of tangerine. Somehow, she managed to control herself, and avoided spraying citrus fruit all over Daniel’s crisp, white shirt.

“You what?”

“I’m going to see Kate”.

“Yeah, I heard that bit. I must have missed the bit where you had your entire brain removed”.

Daniel looked at her, disgusted. “We’re only going for a drink!”

“By yourselves?”

“Well, Jason was going to come, but he’s got an essay to finish. And Holly’s realised she’s got no money. So it’s just us two.”

“What a coincidence. I’m sure Kate will be so devastated that she gets you all to herself.”

“And what’s that supposed to mean?”

Jess looked away, bit her lip and stared at the lime green wall for a couple of seconds. Was there no limit to the extent of her brother’s naivety? Did he honestly believe that Kate had ever had anything planned other than a quiet night to sink her claws into her new victim?

Jess tried to avoid the question. “Can you not take Elliot?”

“He’s busy. On the phone to somebody.”

“Then you’ll just have to be careful. You know what she’s like.”

Daniel ignored her. Jess knew it was the probably the best idea. They were both as stubborn as each other; they could carry on arguing for hours before one of them finally conceded defeat.

Jess ate another segment of tangerine and carried on attempting to complete her essay. Daniel stopped tapping his foot, but Jess still couldn’t concentrate. She had enough on her mind already, with the May Ball and the threat of exams looming ever closer with every hour, without worrying about her brother’s love life. But she still cared. She didn’t want to see Daniel make a fool of himself.

Besides, she didn’t want him ruining the mood. It might have been selfish, but she wanted to enjoy the May Ball; she wanted it to be perfect. She didn’t want to be constantly worrying about what her brother, or anybody else, was doing.

It would be her favourite night of the year. It had to be. She would do anything to make sure of that. She would avoid Sue Greener, even if she did make a snide comment about Jess’s “scarecrow hair”, just to make the evening as special as she deserved. She would even pretend to like prawn vol-au-vents if that was what the occasion required. The May Ball was that special to her.

“I’m going now,” Daniel said, standing up and heading for the hallway.

Jess nodded. She wasn’t exactly sure what to say. Could she possibly break with tradition and let Daniel win an argument? It would be the simplest way to make the next few weeks go without a hitch, and that was the biggest thing on Jess’s mind right now.

She swallowed her pride. “Have a good night.”

Daniel looked bemused. He raised his dark eyebrows in surprise. “Do you mean that?”

“Of course I do. Just try not to mention the heart incident”.

“I’m sure that won’t be all that difficult. It’s not exactly my favourite anecdote”.

“And try and stay away from the cottage cheese story too.”

Daniel smiled. “Don’t you worry about that. There’s no way I’ll be telling that one”.

Daniel said goodbye and walked out, and Jess was left by herself to carry on the search for the perfect dress. That would only be the start of it. She would have to sort out her hair, book an appointment for her make-up, find some shoes, and make sure Will would be dressing suitably. There was so much to do before the ball. But at least she didn’t have an argument with Daniel to worry about. As long as Kate didn’t make a complete idiot out of him tonight, he’d be happy, and that meant Jess would be able to live a peaceful life in the weeks leading up to the big night.

God, she didn’t even like tangerine. But Danielle Johnson had told her it would make her hair softer. She ran her hands through the thick, dark mess. Jeez, it was starting to feel silky smooth already.



Last edited by Sugarbowl on Fri May 09, 2008 8:27 pm; edited 1 time in total
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ashleylee   View This User's Portfolio
is really behind on reviewing. Sorry Everyone!
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PostPosted: Tue May 06, 2008 10:22 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey, these are my nit-picks:
Quote:

She was already too excited for words. Yeah, she enjoyed sitting round the house in her pyjamas


Pyjamas? I'm guessing pajama's instead! Very Happy And I don't know if you should use round in this. I would change that to around.
Quote:

“Well, Jason was going to come, but he’s got an essay to finish. And Holly’s realised she’s got no money. So it’s just us two.”


In this one, realized is with is a "z" instead of an "s".

Other than that, there really wasn't any spelling or grammatically things that I could see.

However, this chapter seemed kind of slow. I still like the conflicts you put your characters in but you might need to either put more action or dialogue in this chapter because it seemed to drag a little bit. You did better with description here but you still need more. I have NO idea what your characters look like yet? Is Jess blonde or brunette? Is Daniel short or tall? You have to give me more! Wink

Otherwise, Keep Writing and I'll keep my eye out for the next chapter.

(One quick thing to add to what I said. You need to take those chapters three and four that you have pasted on your chapter one page and make them into totally different threads. That way, people can find them easier! Very Happy )

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Sugarbowl   View This User's Portfolio
Junior Writer

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Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 17
Joined: 25 Apr 2008
Posts: 38
Reviews: 20

300 Points

PostPosted: Fri May 09, 2008 8:31 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I just thought I should reply to that critique, because those two spllings you pointed out are in fact the correct British spellings Smile So, since I'm in Britain, they'll probably be staying I'm afraid Smile

I changed the round/around thing for you though. Good spot there Smile

Thanks!!
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ashleylee   View This User's Portfolio
is really behind on reviewing. Sorry Everyone!
Speaker of the Forum

474
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 16
Joined: 13 Mar 2008
Posts: 783
Reviews: 474
Country: Land of the Free, Home of the Brave. We wave the Red, White, and Blue...well you get it.
1511 Points

PostPosted: Sat May 10, 2008 11:54 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oh wow...I didn't know you were british! Very Happy

That's sweet!

So, you say Pyjamas??? Is it still pronounced the same??

That is so cool if it is....I love people who have accents....

*beams*

Well, Hope you post more of this!

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-Fill your paper with the breathings of your heart-
~William Wordsworth
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