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Demeter
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 Posted: Tue May 06, 2008 1:48 pm Post subject: Fear |
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Something is knocking the window
- it's just a branch missing its tree.
Somewhere a light flashes
- it's just a car missing its map reader.
Something lurks under the bed, waiting
- it's just fear missing someone who'd grasp it.
The fear is overestimated
- it's nothing else than us.
Without us
the fear would lose its file
in the employment agency of emotions.
The fear is not frightening.
It itself fears that no one fears.
It's under the bed because it's frightened.
Do we need to give it wings or courage?
Let's leave it under the bed to collect dust;
may it be our revenge for everything.
It's our own fault, though. |
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Last edited by Demeter on Wed May 07, 2008 12:06 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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Eimear
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| Posted: Tue May 06, 2008 8:38 pm Post subject: |
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Awk shucks. I wrote a blooming awesome review and then my computer did something very funny. I wasn't laughing.
Ok, a few things here. Of course, firstly I'm going to tell you that I liked it. Because I did. It engaged me and I didn't run away before finishing it. However it didn't change my life. It's slightly mundane and I felt as if I'd read quite a lot of other pieces like it.
However, that in mind, I do admit some of your concepts were v.interesting, for example:
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Without us
the fear would lose its file
in the employment agency of emotions. |
That's nice. Great work here.
The rest of the poem is fine, however have you thought about expanding it a little into prose? I think you should try because you have some intelligent insights and short stories give you the freedom to explore them sometimes when poetry doesn't.
All in all, the beginings of a great piece here. Just edit,edit and edit some more and it will truly shine.
Your friend Eimear |
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wrunwrite1023
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| Posted: Wed May 07, 2008 12:33 am Post subject: |
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I like this! It's a good concept and I like the personiphication of fear that you made from the begining to end. The first verse:
"Something is knocking the window
- it's just a branch missing its tree.
Somewhere a light flashes
- it's just a car missing its map reader.
Something lurks under the bed, waiting
- it's just fear missing someone who'd grasp it."
I really liked... it made me wonder what the rest of the poem was about. I think that with a bit of editing this poem could be something really special! |
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Leahweird
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Summerless
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| Posted: Wed May 07, 2008 5:01 am Post subject: |
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The fear is not frightening.
It itself fears that no one fears.
It's under the bed because it's frightened. |
I love this part. It's like a tongue twister because of the repetition but I like reading this. (I read it three times, heehee ;D)
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Without us
the fear would lose its file
in the employment agency of emotions. |
I also liked the "employment agency of emotions" part. It's a unique metaphor.
Overall you have an interesting style. I like it because I get bored with reading similar, rhyming or free verse poetry all the time.
Keep up the good work!
- Summerless <3~ |
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Demeter
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| Posted: Wed May 07, 2008 5:02 am Post subject: |
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Woah, thanks for your great reviews!  |
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J.C. Belding
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| Posted: Thu May 08, 2008 2:46 am Post subject: |
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| This was really cool. I liked your concepts a lot. The only thing I would do is make the wording slightly more poetic. I think that would really improve it. |
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mizz-iceberg
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| Posted: Sat May 10, 2008 6:38 am Post subject: |
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Hey Demeter! Everyone has pretty much already said what I wanted to say... so just get ready for more praise.
Love your poetry. There's this certain style that you have that I can never imply into my poetry. So yes I just love your poetry. Whenever you post more PM me and I would love to read it. I didn't note anything wrong with this except the very last verse. It felt unneeded. Yes I got what it means and it make sense but I'm not sure why, it just really bugged me. But it might just be me.
Keep writing!!!!!!! |
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Vernon
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| Posted: Sat May 10, 2008 12:20 pm Post subject: Re: Fear |
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| Demeter wrote: |
Something is knocking the window
- it's just a branch missing its tree.
Somewhere a light flashes
- it's just a car missing its map reader.
Something lurks under the bed, waiting (Change to someone, flows much better)
- it's just fear missing someone who'd grasp it.
The fear is overestimated
- it's nothing else than us.
Without us (Why? It's all well and good saying but show us why.)
the fear would lose its file
in the employment agency of emotions. (This doesn't fit with the tone of the poem, metaphors should relate to the poem somehow.)
The fear is not frightening.
It itself fears that no one fears.
It's under the bed because it's frightened. (Hmm, you could really go into essence of fear here, much better)
Do we need to give it wings or courage?
Let's leave it under the bed to collect dust;
may it be our revenge for everything. (Not strong enough, work on it.)
It's our own fault, though. (Needs more impact, not strong enough.) |
Overall: It's got big potential, just work on having good metaphors relatable to peice and showing us more, rather than telling. Hope this helps.
Good luck
VSN
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via FoxyTunes |
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thunder_dude7
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| Posted: Thu Aug 21, 2008 9:27 pm Post subject: |
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It was good, overall. I wasn't really crazy about the employment agency of emotions thing. It felt out of place, and damaged the tone of the poem. The metaphor was silly, actually, which stood apart from the rest of the poem, which was quiet and serious, even a bit ominous.
The last line just didn't work for me. "Though" doesn't really work in this scenario. Try reworking it to make it stronger. Sort of like this:
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Do we need to give it wings or courage?
Let's leave it under the bed to collect dust;
may it be our revenge for everything,
Even though we are to blame |
Just an idea. You dont have to do exactly that, just rework the last bit.
Other than that, I liked this. |
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Hopeful_Youth
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| Posted: Sun Aug 24, 2008 12:07 am Post subject: |
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I like this line a lot! :
the fear would lose its file
in the employment agency of emotions.
it's very interesting and original. Not trite at all, as you may hear some english teachers say. lol. |
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Snoink
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| Posted: Sun Aug 24, 2008 12:54 am Post subject: |
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I don't know if you are working on this poem still or whatever since it's a little old, but whatever!
The thing that struck me is that it's a really boring format in. I mean, you introduce something exciting... and then it's just something dull. And then you do it again... and again. And I don't know... the imagery isn't striking enough for me to say, "ZOMG, GIVE ME MORE!" Instead, it's more of, "Meh, let's get to the meat of the poem." But the meat of your poem is this preachy thing about fear... and I don't know. It's not very interesting.
What you're going to want to think about is to focus on one really strong image and describing it thoroughly. For example, you could describe the thing tapping on your window... Lord knows that something like that has happened to the best of us. Then you can describe the fear involved and the panic and then at the relief of finding out the fear was nothing. This would be better than telling us a lecture.
Good luck! |
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Jonathan94
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| Posted: Sun Aug 24, 2008 10:06 am Post subject: |
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The fear is not frightening.
It itself fears that no one fears.
It's under the bed because it's frightened.
This part was awesome!
all the text flows together very well
good job on this one very well made
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Something is knocking the window (very nice opening line throws you right into the fear)
- it's just a branch missing its tree.
Somewhere a light flashes
- it's just a car missing its map reader.
Something lurks under the bed, waiting
- it's just fear missing someone who'd grasp it.
The fear is overestimated
- it's nothing else than us.
Without us
the fear would lose its file
in the employment agency of emotions.
The fear is not frightening.
It itself fears that no one fears.
It's under the bed because it's frightened.
Do we need to give it wings or courage? (very effective line)
Let's leave it under the bed to collect dust; (nice line)
may it be our revenge for everything. (maybe a better word for revenge?)
It's our own fault, though. |
very nice poem i enjoyed it |
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October Girl
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| Posted: Sun Aug 24, 2008 4:45 pm Post subject: |
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| This was actually very good, but I'm not going to go over what I liked, because it seems like everyone else has already done that *pats on the back* nice job. |
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EmmaSweetie100
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| Posted: Mon Aug 25, 2008 5:11 pm Post subject: Loved it! |
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OMG i loved it!!!! It has emotion and meaning, something every good poem should have. and it spoke the truth  loooooooved it!
XOXOXOXO
Emma |
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