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Math?
Math?

by Lord Anzius in Dramatic Poetry
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Romantic Fiction

This thread was created on May 6, 2008
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time to move on my friend
Get over it my friend ch 1
Get over it my friend ch4
Get over it my friend ch 5
Get over it my friend ch 6

Get over it my friend ch 2
Topic ID: 29817
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Should I continue?
yes
50%
 50%  [ 2 ]
No
25%
 25%  [ 1 ]
I have no idea.
25%
 25%  [ 1 ]
Total Votes : 4

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myfreindsavamp   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Tue May 06, 2008 11:41 am    Post subject: Get over it my friend ch 2 Reply with quote

Review: Chris is the boys name. The cute one that's new at Draive's school. He has a little sister that's named Jamy. Draive has just agreed to go to Tea Time with her.

She took it and sighed happily. “My names Jamy by the way." She said as they walked over to Jess.

"We have a play date my friend. At Tea Time." Draive stated to her friend.

"Sounds fun." She said getting up and introducing her self to the two as her blonde hair trailed her.

(now on to ch 2)(I finally got enuff points for this!)

________________________________________________________________________

:ch 2:

At Tea Time Chris stood in the back round as Jess, Draive, and Jamy played tea, acted like ladies, and played dress up. Chris thought it funny that two girls his age would play dress up, but he also thought it cute that they played dress up with his younger sister.

Once even his sister asked him to dress up with her and when the troop came out Chris was a king, Draive a Queen, Jamy a princess, and Jess was happy enough to play the role of the joker. Draive thought it was a cute picture.

...

"Thanks for helping me." Chris said to Draive and Jess as they all walked through the mall to the exit.

"No problem. Little sisters are fun to have when you know how to handle them." Draive answered.

"Ya." He said almost sarcastically. "Hey how about for payment I give you both a ride?"

"That'd be great!" Jess said. "It beats the bus."

_________________________________________________________

Sunday morning Draive awoke to her mother calling. "Get up! Almost time for church!"

She pulled the covers off and about fell to the floor as she got got out of bed. She trudged to her closet and grabbed one of many church outfits.

...

As Chris walked into church, his hair gelled back and wearing a tux, he found that his new church held a familiar face. Draive.

She wore a grey vest over a black tie, and white shirt, her pants being plan black. Her hair was in french braids as one strand fell over her face. Over all, she looked great for being in church.

The service went slowly and he kept looking around anxiously. Ready for it to be over.

Finally! The ending song played and being polite, he walked out.

As soon as he was out on the grass he ruffled his hair out and looked up, finding Draive was letting her braids out, letting her hair fall back into place.

She pulled off her vest, loosened her tie, and undid her first button.

Chris chuckled. He thought it was funny he was about to do the same thing.

She turned. Her eyes gave a spark of acknowledgment and she smiled.

---

He looked great. Although his hair was a little stiff, atop his head.

She approached him casually, reached up on tip toes and ruffled his hair out better.

"There." Draive said smiling up at him. He looked back down at her.

He reached up and picked at her hair.

"There. Looks better." He said smiling.

"Thanks. You look so...formal." She said taking a step back to look at him in his tux.

Chris was tired of it. He took off his jacket, pulled off his tie, and unbuttoned his shirt a little.

"I hate formal." He said.

"Hm... my type of words exactly.” She answered.

"Want me to take you to a non-formal place?" He asked. He had driven himself and his parents had left already with Jamy.

"Ya, sure, sounds fun." She said. He took her hand and walked her to the passenger seat of his supped up bug.

"Nice car." Draive remarked when he got in the driver's seat.

She tossed her vest in the back seat as did Chris, with his jacket and tie.

"Ready?" He asked, keys already in the ignition.

"Ready." Draive confirmed.

He pulled away from the tall grey building and when they reached a busy road he sped up.

As Chris came to a stop at the side of the road a few people broke away from a building.

“What’s up buddy?” A blonde boy asked, holding up his hand at an angle. Chris took it and they both let go.

“Hey, where’d you get this hot stuff?” Said a black haired boy as he came up behind Draive, as he shut the door. He clasped his hands on her waist and looked her down.

Draive tensed as the boy smelled her neck. His hot bresth, catching on her neck.

“Take your hands off her.” Chris said angrily as he stepped in front of Draive.

The boy looked up. “Why? She yours?”

“No.” He answered, locking eyes with the other boy.

“Fine man.” He said letting go of Draive, and backing off. “She’s all yours. Besides I know I don’t want to get in a fight with you.”

“Um… we’ll see you later, Chris.” The blonde said, pushing the other boy into a building.

“You okay?” Chris asked.

Draive took a step forward and pressed herself against him, trembling.

He closed his arms around her and set his head down on hers.

“Thank you.” She breathed into his shirt.

“My pleasure.” He answered as she pulled her head away. She smiled up at him.

“Um… you want to go home?” Chris asked trying to decide the best thing to do.

“Yes please,” She answered. Her voice broke.

He gentle placed her in the car and got in.

“What’d he mean I already know I don’t want to get in a fight with you?” Draive asked once she had recovered a bit.

She was giving directions to her house now.

“I honesty am telling you the truth but it may sound weird. I’m starting over. At my old school people had a tendency to pick fights with me. Even though I would normally win.” He said with a shrug. “About the fifth fight the principle decided to boot me out. So I had to go to a different school, to see if it turned out better. ”

Draive fell silent for a few minutes.

“Where to now?” He asked as he pulled to a stop at a stop sign.

“Right.” She answered.

The bug came to as stop outside Draive’s house.

“There you go.” He said.

She started to open the door and then hesitated.

____________________________________________________________________________

(Will Chris get a thank you kiss or will Draive leave him hanging on the end of a rope?)

(This is to give suspense as usual^-^)


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Last edited by myfreindsavamp on Wed May 07, 2008 8:59 pm; edited 5 times in total
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PostPosted: Tue May 06, 2008 11:57 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

YAY!!! I'll bold the fixes for you

Quote:
Chris thought it funny that two girls his age would play dress up, but he also thought it cute that they played dress up with his younger sister.


Quote:
"Ya," he said almost sarcastically.



Quote:
"Get up! Almost time for church!"

I would've said almost instead of about...

**I'll add more later today! I gotta go to school!**

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PostPosted: Tue May 06, 2008 12:47 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

finding Draive, herself was letting her braids out and letting her hair fall back into place.
Ok, not Draive, herself

But maybe Draive was letting her braids out, and letting her hair fall back into place.

That flows a little better and is easier on the ear.

"I hate formal." he said.

He is capital.

[b "Ya sure sounds fun." She said. He took her hand and walked her to the passenger seat of his supped up bug.
[/b]

Maybe it's just me, but a guy in a bug? Ok, it's just me. I'm a lil to southern. Very Happy

"Ya, sure, sounds fun." *Don't forget the commas.*

they booth let go.

both

Gotta go. Mom's ugh, so I'll finish this later if I don't remind me please.


TNC

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PostPosted: Tue May 06, 2008 1:33 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

*Im at school^-^*

It's a supped up bug though. You have to admit that would be awesome.

And I shall remind you in a bit if I myself remember.

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PostPosted: Tue May 06, 2008 2:21 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Supped up bug or not, that's a girl's car. You wouldn't catch me dead in it though. Razz. Course I'm a little ol' country girl. Idon't like anything but trucks and jeeps. Now to finish this crit.

Quote:

“What’s up buddy?” a blonde boy asked, holding up his hand at an angle. Chris took it and they both let go.


This goes to a couple other sentences, but remember every time you put a punctuation that isn't for Mr. Mrs. etc. then you need to capitalize the next word.

Quote:

“Hey, where’d you get this hot stuff?” said a black haired boy as he came up behind Draive, as he shut the door. He clasped his hands on her waist and looked her down.

Confussing beyond belief.

Quote:

Draive tensed as the boy smelled her neck. His hot bresth, catching on her neck.


(Hit enter again so they are more spread out.)

Quote:
“Take your hands off her.” Chris said angrily as he stepped in front of Draive.
The boy looked up. “Why? She yours?”
“No.” He answered, locking eyes with the other boy.


Ahhh, so sweet. Razz

Quote:

Draive pressed herself against him, trembling.


Um, a little more explanation here would be nice. I didn't know she was close enough to him to do that.

Quote:

“what’d he mean I already know I don’t want to get in a fight with you?” Draive asked once she had recovered a bit.
She was giving directions now.


What is supposed to be capatilized. And She was giving him directions to her house now. Might sound better.

Quote:
“I honesty am telling you the truth. I’m starting over. At my old school I had a tendency that people would pick fights with me. I would usually win them.” He said with a shrug. “About the fifth fight the principle decided to boot me out. For me to go to a different school. To have a better life.”


I'm honestly telling you the truth- would sound better, but that is an odd way to start. Maybe: This is the truth, though it may sound weird.
Or somethign like that. Just that was kinda a weird way to start the story. Razz

At my old school people had a tendency to pick fights with me. Even though I would normally win.
That would sound better.

So I had to go to a different school, and it turned out to be better.

What you put in this whole section just needed to be redone a little. It's choppy.

Quote:


“Where to now?” He asked as he sat as a stop sign.


As he pulled to stop at a stop sign.

Quote:

The bug came to as top outside Draive’s house.


To a stop.


Quote:
“There you go. Maybe we can try that another day.” He said, referring to the non-formal place.


That sentence is really weird.



Now keep it going.


TNC

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PostPosted: Tue May 06, 2008 5:41 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yes I under stand. I love the country.^-^

I tryed my best to fix the errors.

Some of it I totally took out but some of it I changed my way.>.<

Thanks.

I'm working on ch 3 right now. I have to go get a few spanish words for that chapter.

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PostPosted: Wed May 07, 2008 12:48 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

As usual i have yet again detected a few typos but other than that I LOVE YOUR STORY PLEASE KEEP ME POSTED!!!!!!!!!!!!

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PostPosted: Wed May 07, 2008 3:43 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Okay I'll pm you when I get the next ch. in.
^-^
I'll go try and fix those typos too.

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PostPosted: Wed May 07, 2008 9:22 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well most people got the grammar mistakes I found. ^.^
I thought this went a little fast. Maybe stretch it out a bit with more discription. I got a little confused when you started to talk about the other boys. Where did they come from? Were did Chris take her? I like where this story is going just add more detail.

~Rachael

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PostPosted: Wed May 07, 2008 9:32 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The boys broke away from a wall.

Ok I'll try. Thanks.^-^

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PostPosted: Thu May 08, 2008 1:56 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Come on you really need to put more. I'm bored to death here and there aren't any other things to crit. :'(. Please Please Please post more.


*Mods, if you want to take away my points from this post, ok. I just wanted to get her to put more up.*

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PostPosted: Thu May 08, 2008 1:59 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

My ch 3 is stuck. I've written ch 4- 7 already in my note book but I got to get up ch 3. One min. and I'll try to start getting that together.

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PostPosted: Sun May 11, 2008 6:53 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Whewhh, this is a really good story amber. I loved every bit of it!

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