Topic ID: 29703
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Kagerou453
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418 Points
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 Posted: Sat May 03, 2008 11:54 pm Post subject: May I Have This Dance |
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May I have this dance?
We shall be as Summer sands
In a crashing surf:
Rolling in the sea,
We will weave through soundless space
Under silver waves.
May I have this dance?
We shall be as Autumn leaves,
Free to pirouette
Through the gentle breeze,
Under the warm, golden glow
Of the soft twilight.
May I have this dance?
We shall be as Winter’s snow:
A white feather rain
In a breathless waltz
As the wind twirls round and round,
We’ll not touch the ground.
May I have this dance?
We shall be as Spring blossoms:
Delicate petals
Flutter together
In a flower’s minuet
Carried through the air.
May I have this dance?
We shall be as two Comets
In the velvet sky:
On trails of light
Where lead and follow entwine,
We leave Earth behind.
May I have this dance?
As the stars shine from above,
I have this one wish:
To hear you whisper
“I think this may be true love,”
While I hold you close.
May I have this dance?
Soaring across the night sky,
Together we’ll fly. |
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aestar101
SpAEsced Out
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| Posted: Sun May 04, 2008 12:02 am Post subject: |
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This was very poetic.I would say that you were very educated. Love the connections with the seasons and space. This is a keeper.  |
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Writing for love is a pas
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734 Points
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| Posted: Sun May 04, 2008 12:41 am Post subject: |
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It was good. *gives gold star for da heck of romantic poetry*
i enjoyed reading and feeling how much love is in two people. |
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Suzanne
is home
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4535 Points
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| Posted: Sun May 04, 2008 2:57 am Post subject: |
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I think your use of "May I have this dance?/We shall be..." went on for too long. I think you would do better to say it at the beginning, and then once more at the very end, for the final place where you ask the question. The repetition was too close together and just got annoying.
Your imagery, though, is beyond beautiful. I really love all the metaphors, and it is beautiful. But, I must say, I felt it went on too long. All this "We shall be..." but no concrete meaning to the poem. The ending also disappointed me. It's a beautiful poem, but it doesn't make me feel anything. True, I feel that it is beautiful, but by the end of it, I, your reader, am left with nothing. If anything, I'm left disturbed by the fact that someone with such beautiful use of imagery could use it in conjunction with such cliché a line as "I think this must be true love". I really hope you don't see that too much as an insult and more as a compliment to your imagery ability. The last stanza, also, didn't work as well as you may have hoped.
I think over all though, you do have good use of imagery. I think you could use less though. Use only what is necessary. Need you speak of it so many times? And having something for the reader, something behind the words, for the reader to be left with in the end would help a lot. Otherwise it is just a cliché dance poem, if rather beautiful! It's a strange combination, honestly. I'm used to either both bad poetry writing and bad topics, or good in both cases. I truly hope you do not take this as an insult, and of course, it is a critique of the poem and not of your skills. I don't doubt, from your words in other areas of the forum and the poem itself, that you could easily improve this and make it better. It just needs some ompf to render your reader completely speechless by the end.
If you have any questions, feel free to pm me! |
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Tamora
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| Posted: Sun May 04, 2008 3:13 am Post subject: |
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I really enjoyed this although I agree wihth alot of what Suzanne said, the repetition got a bit weary and the ending wasn't strong enough. But the metaphors were great!
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...In a breathless waltz...
...In a flower’s minuet...
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I like these terms of music, but I almost feel as though, if you're going to use them in two of the verses then use them (at least) in all of the seasons if not all the verses.
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| Where lead and follow entwine, |
I love this sentance!
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May I have this dance?
Soaring across the night sky,
Together we’ll fly. |
the main problem with this is that it doesn't link all the verses. It links the last two before it, but it doesn't talk about the seasons. You need to make the whole connection.
I agree with Suzanne about the fact that there doesn't sem to be any concrete meaning to the poem, it's a bit aloof, and whispery, it needs something for the reader to take away except for the fact that it's beautifully written, that isn't quite enough.
I hope this doesn't sound to harsh, but what I say is what I see. Take it to heart and use the advice, improvement is the best part of writing. |
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Amira15
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365 Points
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| Posted: Sun May 04, 2008 5:33 am Post subject: |
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| This is a truly romantic Poem. I just love the metaphors and the words you chose. There so simple but, the way you put them in place....... BRAVO BRAVO!!! I give this poem a perfect 10!! |
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Eimear
You've got to pick a poet or two
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2578 Points
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| Posted: Sun May 04, 2008 11:04 am Post subject: |
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I'll have to disagree with one of Suzanne's points. I didn't think it was too long at all. I didn't want it to end.
This piece really took me off guard, because when I read the title I expected it to be a very well-worn concept about romantic love, however at a closer look I quickly reconsidered my decision. It's gently brilliant. The first stansta is dripping in perfect imagery:
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May I have this dance?
We shall be as Summer sands
In a crashing surf:
Rolling in the sea,
We will weave through soundless space
Under silver waves. |
Secondly your word choice is spot-on. I'd go as far to say it was perfect. It's funny because I read this piece last night before I went to bed, and when I re-read it this morning I found I loved it even more.
The rhyme scheme took some consideration, but after a closer look although it seemed subtely fixed, such as when you ryhmed:
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As the wind twirls round and round,
We’ll not touch the ground. |
And then a few stansas later:
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Where lead and follow entwine,
We leave Earth behind |
Anyway, this was great work. A top job, and a top piece. There's hard evidence of talent and a true commitment to good poetry.
PM me if you need any more work read.
Eimear |
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Vernon
Always shall Love Elizabeth his Beautiful Goddess
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| Posted: Sun May 04, 2008 11:22 am Post subject: |
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Ouch my head... I've heard of driving a point home but god please stop hitting my head it's painful! You keep telling us of the different way they dance, but the repetition. God... you really just really wanted us to know how wonderful this dance is but could of easily done that without being armed with a sledgehammer.
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May I have this dance?
We shall be as Summer sands
In a crashing surf:
Rolling in the sea,
We will weave through soundless space
Under silver waves.
May I have this dance?
We shall be as Autumn leaves,
Free to pirouette
Through the gentle breeze,
Under the warm, golden glow
Of the soft twilight. |
That's my limit on the repition of those lines anymore and it's painful.
It's a shame you really have some great imagery under it all, but armed with that dreadful sledgehammer I'm too dizzy to notice it all.
Overall: Fix repition and then pm me. I'll reread it. But please lose that god-awful sledgehammer.
Good luck
VSN
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Listening to: Protest the Hero - The Divine Suicide of K
via FoxyTunes |
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Last edited by Vernon on Sun May 04, 2008 3:28 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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Summerless
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416 Points
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| Posted: Sun May 04, 2008 3:21 pm Post subject: |
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I disagree with Vernon. I liked the repetition but you should leave the stanzas be after you described the dance with the seasons. Keep the first four and the last stanza but omit
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May I have this dance?
We shall be as two Comets
In the velvet sky:
On trails of light
Where lead and follow entwine,
We leave Earth behind.
May I have this dance?
As the stars shine from above,
I have this one wish:
To hear you whisper
“I think this may be true love,”
While I hold you close. |
because I can find cliché in them.
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We will weave through soundless space
Under silver waves. |
I don't know if you did it on purpose but excellent assonance.
I hope this helps--
- Summerless |
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tennisprincess
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493 Points
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| Posted: Sun May 04, 2008 8:05 pm Post subject: |
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Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful work.
All my other comments have already been declared through the mouths of others.
8/10 |
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tennisprincess
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493 Points
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| Posted: Sun May 04, 2008 8:21 pm Post subject: |
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Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful work.
All my other comments have already been declared through the mouths of others.
8/10 |
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In my imagination anything is possible.. even sardine pizza.. |
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Conrad Rice
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649 Points
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| Posted: Mon May 05, 2008 3:31 pm Post subject: |
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Wonderful, lyrical poetry
Your word power is astounding. I love the images you conjure up with each new stanza. I love it a lot. |
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SeptemberRain
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300 Points
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| Posted: Tue May 06, 2008 7:03 pm Post subject: |
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| I like how you used the repetition in the poem. Also the imagry was amazing. I always look for poems that have good imagry. |
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AmberAngst
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295 Points
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| Posted: Wed May 07, 2008 8:08 pm Post subject: |
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| As all else have stated, this BEAUTIFUL poem could have gone without wthe repititions. Other than that, the imagery was magnificent! I love how speak of 'true love' through dancing! |
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helpless42
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300 Points
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| Posted: Thu May 08, 2008 12:06 am Post subject: |
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| oh, its so beautiful. Im too young to understand love, but oh, I just love it. It makes me feel all fluttery inside. I think it is very beautiful and I really like it, so keep writing, cuz your good at it! |
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