Stop The Scrolling Header | Enable the Scrolling Header

Firefox 3

News:  

What Are You Reading?

Attention College Students!
Username:    Password:      Log me on automatically each visit    
Victim Number Eight
Victim Number Eight

by Bickazer in Other Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Other Fiction

This thread was created on May 3, 2008
Post new topic   Reply to topic
Digg It Del.icio.us


Behold A Pale Horse

Topic ID: 29701
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
Conrad Rice   View This User's Portfolio
Aquatic Knight in Shining Armor
Novelist

107
Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 17
Joined: 13 Apr 2008
Posts: 305
Reviews: 107
Country: The Deep
587 Points

PostPosted: Sat May 03, 2008 11:14 pm    Post subject: Behold A Pale Horse Reply with quote

Behold A Pale Horse

“Think we’ll make it?” Larry asked.

Murry shrugged his shoulders and shook his head. “Don’t know, man,” he replied.

Larry opened up the cooler and pulled out a beer. He popped the top off and began to guzzle the Bud. The noises outside were still the same. Great humming and buzzing noises.

“Wonder what’s going on out there,” Larry said.

“Stick your head out and see,” Murry told him.

Larry shook his head. “I’m not wondering that much,” he said.

They were silent again. The Marine still lay in the corner, his breath coming in ragged gasps.

“Is he doing any better?” Larry asked.

“Can’t tell,” Murry replied.

“He was stupid,” Larry replied.

Murry nodded. “Thought he was being a hero,” he said.

“Still stupid,” Larry said.

The noises continued. Every so often an orange light would pass by the lone basement window, casting a strange light on those taking refuge within. Larry, Murry, Clancy, and the wounded Marine, all hiding from the world outside.

“I wonder if anyone else made it to safety,” Larry said.

“I’m trying not to think about that,” Murry said.

Larry nodded. “Sorry I brought it up,” he said.

Murry shook his head. “It would be brought up sooner or later anyway. Best to just deal with it.”

“How do you deal with something like this?” Larry asked.

Murry shrugged his shoulders. “If I answer,” he said, “That gives the impression that something like this has happened before. That’s not the case though. I can guarantee you nothing like this has happened before.”

“Maybe it has,” Larry said.

“How do you figure that?” Murry inquired.

“Maybe this has happened before,” Larry said, “But those things weren’t perceived the same. Maybe they were called gods.”

Murry tilted his head in thought. “It’s an idea,” he said, “Though I doubt it’s worth much.”

“I doubt that too,” Larry replied.

The Marine moaned again. The wound in his side was looking worse and worse.

“He ain’t gonna live much longer,” Larry said.

Murry nodded and took a sip of his beer. Murry did not guzzle or chug beer as most men did. He sipped it, slowly, almost like wine.

“What should we do for him?” Larry asked.

“Kindest thing we can do is put him out of his misery,” Murry said, “Probably the best thing we can do. If the pain gets worse and he starts screaming, he’s liable to attract those things. We take care of him before that happens, we buy ourselves a little more time.”

“I don’t like it,” Larry said.

“I didn’t say it would be easy,” Murry said.

“It’s too bad,” Larry said, “He might have been of some help to us.”

Murry shook his head. “He’s no officer,” he said, “An officer would be of help. He would have just been a follow orders man. Those are never useful. They can’t think for themselves. They rely on command to do the thinking for them. And at a time like this, when command is gone, they think they can fall back on the bravado and spirit they saw in the recruiting posters. This guy’s finding out that can’t be done the hard way.”

“He had good intentions,” Larry said.

“The road to hell is paved with good intentions,” Murry said, “All he did when he charged at the things was get himself noticed and knocked down. You saw how easy they did it. Almost nothing.”

Larry nodded. “Not just him either,” he said.

“That’s right,” Murry said as he took another sip of beer, “Everyone. I don’t think I’ll forget that sight. As long as I live, which might not be very long at all, I’ll remember that. You saw it, didn’t you?”

“I was concentrated on running,” Larry said.

“I turned,” Murry said, “They were towering in the air, coming on down the street, ripping everything up. It was like one of those science fiction B-movies, you know, like, Attack of the Crawling Eye, except it was really happening. And all the people running. All of them, screaming and running. I saw the unlucky ones. They just blew them aside, like refuse.”

“Stop it man,” Larry said.

“I cannot,” Murry said, “I cannot stop. They didn’t either. They kept coming in those metal contraptions. Great colossi from beyond the stars come to reek havoc on the human race. I’ve never seen anything like them before.”

“Hopefully we won’t see them again,” Larry replied.

Murry nodded. “I hope to God you’re right,” he said as he took another sip.

The Marine suddenly tensed up with a gasp. Then he went limp and ceased to breath.

“That was quieter than I expected,” Murry said.

“And behold, I saw a pale horse,” Clancy said, breaking his sudden silence. His words, taken from the book of the Bible devoted to the end of the world, had a ghoulish and macabre tone to them, uttered in the basement of an old church.

Murry nodded, “A pale horse indeed.”

The men were silent yet again for a time. Then Larry spoke up again. “Do you think we’ll make it?”

Murry shrugged his shoulders. “Ninety percent chance of thunderstorms,” he said, “Ten percent chance for partly cloudy skies.”

The noises continued on as the three men sat in silence, waiting for their pale horses to come galloping up.

Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
chocoholic   View This User's Portfolio
Give me the chocolate and nobody gets hurt
Master of the Forum

516
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 14
Joined: 31 May 2007
Posts: 1614
Reviews: 516
Country: Raxacoricofallapatorius
1605 Points

PostPosted: Sun May 04, 2008 6:13 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
guzzle the Bud


What's 'the Bud'?

Quote:
“If I answer,” he said, “That gives the impression that something like this has happened before. That’s not the case though. I can guarantee you nothing like this has happened before.”


This is funny. Although I don't know what's happening (I'm critting as I read).

Quote:
Maybe they were called gods


Hmm... still not sure what's going on. Perhaps this is set in the future? Because so far that's the impression I'm getting.



Okay, overall, I was confused. Is this set in the future? I think it's Earth, but are there aliens? Yu either need another part, or to explain what you meant. Because I didn't get it, especially the end.

Also, I found your writing a little boring. It had a good atmosphere, but description doesn't ruin that. Try putting in some descriptive words that add to the feeling of, 'we're all going to die'.

I'm not really sure this belongs in Other Fiction really. but good luck, and let me know if you edit.

_________________
*Don't expect to see me around much in the next couple of weeks. School has started again, and it'll be a couple of weeks before I've settled in. If you've asked me for a critique, you will get it, but not for a little while. Sorry*
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message MSN Messenger
ashleylee   View This User's Portfolio
Wanna-be Romance Novelist
Master of the Forum

597
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 16
Joined: 13 Mar 2008
Posts: 1070
Reviews: 597
Country: amongst the stars where gravity can't hold me down
942 Points

PostPosted: Sun May 04, 2008 6:43 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

First, to chocoholic:

This is obviously set in the furture during an alien invasion. At least, that's how I took it (if I'm wrong Conrad Rice, please set me straight!)

Okay Conrad, these are the things I noticed,

Quote:
Great humming and buzzing noises.


This is a fragment. Beware of that. Maybe try to either lengthen this sentence or combine it with another.

Quote:
Murry nodded and took a sip of his beer. Murry did not guzzle or chug beer as most men did. He sipped it, slowly, almost like wine.


I like this line. You described this guy really well with just saying how he drinks beer. Readers could learn a lot about Murry from this one line! Good Job with that! Very Happy

Other than that, this was kind of a jumble of things. You totally need to bring the reader in. I kind of felt like you were rambling...sort of. Maybe try to describe the screams outside. Or how this Marine was hurt. Also, the other people in the basement along with Murry and Larry don't say a word until the end. You need to include them more.

Umm, I kind of agree with chocoholic. This kind of seems fantasy/sci fi so I don't know, maybe it does go here. Just to be safe, I would keep it here until someone else comes along and tells you otherwise! Very Happy

Overall, it was decent. You had a nice plot going but description is what you are lacking right now. With a little of that, this would be much better. It has potential. You might just have to work with it for while.

Good Luck!

_________________
-Fill your paper with the breathings of your heart-
~William Wordsworth

-We are like the wilted petals of a poisoned rose. Forbidden, yet so beautiful, it was hard not to love. Now, fading, we see that it was never meant to be-
~Me
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message MSN Messenger
Conrad Rice   View This User's Portfolio
Aquatic Knight in Shining Armor
Novelist

107
Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 17
Joined: 13 Apr 2008
Posts: 305
Reviews: 107
Country: The Deep
587 Points

PostPosted: Sun May 04, 2008 9:28 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

For a bit of explanation, this was written as a sort of alien invasion on a typical American street kind of thing. I tried to keep some stuff deliberately vague, in a Cloverfield kind of way, to add to the atmosphere of the story. Now that I think about it, this probably does belong in the sci fi category, but as of yet I don't know how to fix that. And also, the Bud is short for the Budweiser.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
ashleylee   View This User's Portfolio
Wanna-be Romance Novelist
Master of the Forum

597
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 16
Joined: 13 Mar 2008
Posts: 1070
Reviews: 597
Country: amongst the stars where gravity can't hold me down
942 Points

PostPosted: Sun May 04, 2008 11:02 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Conrad Rice:

Yeah, I have no idea how you change forums. Maybe PM Nate or something. He'll tell you how. Or look it up in the search bar.

Also, my advise is to make that more clear about the alien invasion on a common street. That might confuse some people.

_________________
-Fill your paper with the breathings of your heart-
~William Wordsworth

-We are like the wilted petals of a poisoned rose. Forbidden, yet so beautiful, it was hard not to love. Now, fading, we see that it was never meant to be-
~Me
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message MSN Messenger
wrunwrite1023   View This User's Portfolio
Novice

6
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 16
Joined: 30 Apr 2008
Posts: 11
Reviews: 6
Country: U.S.A.
300 Points

PostPosted: Mon May 05, 2008 11:56 pm    Post subject: It's good! Reply with quote

I like this. I found it a bit confusing but I can see the potential that the story holds. I was hoping that you would explain it more in detail rather than just in dialog but that sort of gave a unique character to the story.
It reminds me a bit of War of the Worlds and I was able to get the whole alien invasion aspect out of it but I'd like to hear more of the back story and about how Larry, Murry, and Clancy all ended up together as well as in their situation. It's an interesting piece.
And I loved when you put, "The road to hell is paved with good intentions." It just seemed to stick with me and came across really powerfully. Over all, great job!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website
biancarayne   View This User's Portfolio
Senior Writer

179
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 15
Joined: 12 May 2007
Posts: 224
Reviews: 179

300 Points

PostPosted: Sun Sep 28, 2008 4:05 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

First, thank you so much for your comment! Smile I appreciate it a whole heck of a lot Smile


Well, the very first thing I have to say is that the title is great and just really one of those that catches your eyes and makes you want to read the story to find out what it's about. I also like how it started off with dialogue....that kinda did the same thing as the title, and it also sort of like starts it off with like a feeling of action or whatever.

“Wonder what’s going on out there,” Larry said.


“Stick your head out and see,” Murry told him.


Larry shook his head. “I’m not wondering that much,” he said. -

Maybe like include some of their facial expressions? 'Cause I can see how this could be really amusing, with like Murry smirking at him or something else sarcastic-like or whatever, you know, and Larry playing along or whatever? It's sort of-ish a little bland just as it is, but I think facial expressions would spice it up.

They were silent again. The Marine still lay in the corner, his breath coming in ragged gasps. -

Wow, the marine was a little surprising and sudden. Maybe include something in their conversation about the marine so that you know he's there?

Murry nodded. “Thought he was being a hero,” he said.-

The nod says he's agreeing with Larry, but the words sound like he's making an excuse for him. And I'm not really sure if he'd do both. Although, I actually think that from what we've gotten about the characters so far seem to say that like in this little conversation, like the roles seem kinda reversed. I mean, what Larry's saying seems like it'd be something more like what Murry would say and vice-versa.

Larry, Murry, Clancy-

Um okay, Clancy kind of came out of nowhere too. Even if Clancy's like not really near them right there, maybe a little hint about what Clancy is up to so we'll know that he exists before this?

“It would be brought up sooner or later anyway. Best to just deal with it.” -

I think, "Might as well deal with it" might like flow with the conversation better.

Murry shrugged his shoulders. “If I answer,” he said, “That gives the impression that something like this has happened before. That’s not the case though. I can guarantee you nothing like this has happened before.”-

Obviously like the beginning of a philosophical discussion or whatever...but maybe like transition into it a lot quicker? Doesn't seem like his whole state of mind would just switch like it seems to...maybe include something about him waiting for a while and thinking before saying?

“Maybe this has happened before,” Larry said, “But those things weren’t perceived the same. Maybe they were called gods.” -

It seems kind of weird that Larry's in a philosophical mood too. Because he originally like asks "How do you deal with something like this", and someone in a philosophical mood probably wouldn't say that. So, maybe include something about him thinking for a while too?


“It’s an idea,” he said, “Though I doubt it’s worth much.”


“I doubt that too,” Larry replied. -

Okay, so I'm definitely getting an alien vibe even though like I haven't read the rest and like my question about this is...how would gods be any more unlikely than aliens? Because like that sounds like what they're saying or whatever, and I'd think if you experienced something like that your view of what's possible and what isn't would be challenged very quickly. Just a thought.

The Marine moaned again.-

The again implies that he's moaned once already, but I think he was just gasping before and that's not really moaning. Unless I missed something?

Murry nodded and took a sip of his beer. Murry did not guzzle or chug beer as most men did. He sipped it, slowly, almost like wine. -

I really like that bit for some reason...I guess because it's like such a little detail, but somehow it makes him seem a lot more real...and also because like it shows how like even though something really huge is going on outside, it seems like the characters are still trying to hold on to the mundane.

“It’s too bad,” Larry said, “He might have been of some help to us.” -

Kind of a sudden switch from his earlier reaction. Because before, he seems like he seriously objects to the idea and is about to say something about it, but then he's pretty much just like, oh well, whatever. Oh, and maybe instead say "helpful" instead of "of some help to us" so like the dialogue would flow along more smoothly?

“He’s no officer"-

I suppose they know this from whatever experience they had with him when he was still conscious, but still, maybe like...tell how he really knows that?

“The road to hell is paved with good intentions,” -

I also liked this, for some reason. Because like it's such a normal everyday type of saying that it kind of seriously contrasts with the not normalness of what's happening to them. Oh yeah,and maybe like some info on what Larry and Murry were doing while the Marine was charging?

“They were towering in the air, coming on down the street, ripping everything up. It was like one of those science fiction B-movies, you know, like, Attack of the Crawling Eye, except it was really happening. And all the people running. All of them, screaming and running. I saw the unlucky ones. They just blew them aside, like refuse.” -

Not sure if his vocabulary is really right for someone who's talking about something that freaky. Like, it makes sense and it's easy to understand what he's talking about and in a situation like that or talking about a situation like that, I'm not sure if anyone could manage to make as much sense as he's making.

reek havoc on the human race- I think that's the wrong reek...I'm not sure how to spell the one that you're using, but the one you have is like the stinky one.

“And behold, I saw a pale horse,” Clancy said, breaking his sudden silence. His words, taken from the book of the Bible devoted to the end of the world, had a ghoulish and macabre tone to them, uttered in the basement of an old church. -

I don't think Clancy is entirely necessary at all. But I do definitely like the reference to Revelations, it certainly like creates kind of an end of the world type feeling. And I'm not sure why, but I don't think it's really necessary to know that they're in the basement of an old church, like that's just kind of random and...unnecessary.

“Ninety percent chance of thunderstorms,” he said, “Ten percent chance for partly cloudy skies.” -

I think I get what you're saying, but it doesn't really seem like something that he'd say. But maybe, if you want to keep Clancy, you could have Clancy say this? Since all we've heard from Clancy is the thing about the pale horse, this would actually totally fit in with what that suggests that he's like.

And, as far as the ending...on one hand, I do like it, but on the other hand, I'm also not sure how I feel about you wrapping the story up with an idea that was only just introduced in the very last bit of the story.


Overall, I thought the vagueness worked really well this for some reason and made the story even more interesting. The sparse details seem to work to, but in some places, like the info about where exactly the characters are, what exactly is going inside in the basement and outside, like maybe there could be more detail on that. But obviously not a lot more, because that would like mess with the feeling of the story. And I really like the way the dialogue was used to explain things, because it was like them trying to understand what's going on and with something like this, there wouldn't be too many details that like would be important to us if we were going through it. If you get what I'm saying. I don't think that was very clear. Although, some of the dialogue was a little too formal sounding...I mean, if the characters were formal-like that'd be cool or whatever, but sometimes they seemed to like both merge in and out of formalness or whatever. Other than that and everything I said before, I thank that's about it...

But this was actually a great story and I really enjoyed reading it Smile

_________________
http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewtopic.php?p=210283#210283
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
Display posts from previous:   
This thread was created on May 3, 2008
Post new topic   Reply to topic
   Young Writers Society Forum Index » Other Fiction All times are GMT
Page 1 of 1

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum
You can attach files in this forum
You can download files in this forum
This thread was created on May 3, 2008

Graphics By Bobo | YWS Sword & Shield Logo by Bobo
Bartemius says, The capacity of human beings to bore one another seems to be vastly greater than that of any other animal. - H. L. Mencken
Contact | Memberlist | Copyright Policy | YWS Store | Site Map
Facebook |  Goodreads |  Live Journal |  MySpace |  Wikipedia

© 2004 - 2008 The Young Writers Society