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Suzanne
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 Posted: Fri May 02, 2008 2:12 am Post subject: Ms. Apt Diagnosis |
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Ms. Apt Diagnosis
Let's lie in the field of feline flowers
where the blades pierce and the whiskers tickle—
........There, can you be free?
where the air is too black to breathe?
Your lungs will suck dry
and your tortured tongue will swell thousandfold,
but with no gasp to scrape your vocal chords
you can’t scream I’m fine!
The Doctors and Gawkers use your bloody,
choking face for a target and claim death,
though you haven’t even died.
Can’t they see your fingers
fishing for mine in the sea of festering stress?
It’s just natural…
But I can’t convince you to take that breath
for the doctors’ gloves are the same ones
that suffocate your speech.
How I’d love for your lips to split apart—
For me to kiss and for you to speak:
It’s just natural. |
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What am I reading?
Last edited by Suzanne on Sun May 18, 2008 7:04 pm; edited 2 times in total |
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MRMarathon
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| Posted: Sat May 03, 2008 11:39 pm Post subject: |
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feline flowers? ( i wonder if this alludes to dandelions)
I wanted to read the line as "where you can be free" but i see how the way you have it gives it a certain twist.
"No gasp to scrape your vocal chords" is an interesting image. It's kind of difficult to imagine or awkward. I would keep it.
simplify this line to "You have not died" What does "Fishing for mine" refer to? Your fingers?
Why is Gawkers capitalized? does this refer to something? It's pretty interesting to analyze and determine what it means.
And this last note is just for aesthetic appeal. I like the way you have it but experiment with "It's only natural."
I like it overall still. Maybe i was being too nit-picky. But I really enjoyed reading it. |
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tennisprincess
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| Posted: Sun May 04, 2008 2:24 am Post subject: |
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This is a fairly good piece.
You had some reat words of visualization and did a good job at making me see your thoughts.
However; I dislike when people automatically assume they knew what another was writing of.
In my mind I think, "How the hell should I know what they're talkinh about really?"
Your ideas are your own and from this piece I probably assumed something totally different than the actual meaning behind this.
Also, I feel like here:
"It’s just natural… "
the "..." make the sentence kind of fade into oblivion for me and perhaps they should be taken out.
They just don't fit in the flowing of this for me.
However; I shall give you the benifit of the doubt and say that I loved the way you ended.
Usually I hate repetition but here, for some reasons with the emotions and vibe I got from this it just really seemed to fit.
Great piece here.
8/10 |
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Suzanne
verbivore
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| Posted: Sun May 04, 2008 2:35 am Post subject: |
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Thank you both, very much. ^^ MRM, I'm not sure I understood everything you were speaking of. You may receive a pm from me asking questions.
At to Tennis Princess:
| Quote: |
| Your ideas are your own and from this piece I probably assumed something totally different than the actual meaning behind this. |
That's perfectly fine, though! You need not get from the poem what I intended, in fact, I like that you say you get something else. As long as you feel/think something, then I am satisfied with what I did.
| Quote: |
the "..." make the sentence kind of fade into oblivion for me and perhaps they should be taken out.
They just don't fit in the flowing of this for me. |
I am glad you say it fades, because that is what I had intended. I'll have to read over it a few times, though, and see whether it could do without.
Again, thank you very much! All things are considered in the hopes of improving.  I'm glad to hear no overwhelming "This sucks!", as well. |
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♥Jordan♥
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| Posted: Sun May 04, 2008 4:11 am Post subject: |
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I loved your imagery.
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Let’s lie in fields of feline flowers
where the blades pierce and the whiskers tickle— |
whiskers tickle sounds a bit awkward, but I'm not sure what else to put. 
| Quote: |
........There, can you be free?
where the air is too black to breath? |
I love your use of questions.
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But I can’t convince you to take that breath
for the doctors’ gloves are the same ones
that suffocate your speech. |
I'm not sure if I understood this part, but it might just be me. 
I really liked this. A lovely piece of poetry in my opinion. |
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Vernon
Always shall Love Elizabeth his Beautiful Goddess
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| Posted: Sun May 04, 2008 11:57 am Post subject: |
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Wow...wow..wowo... Yep that's my reaction in a nutshell this is amazing. The title never expected something like this. It's perfect, I found no problem wonderful imagery and brilliant word choice. God.
Overall: I'm sorry I can't say much but this earns a star in my opinion. This is really exellently written.
Good luck
VSN |
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tennisprincess
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| Posted: Sun May 04, 2008 8:03 pm Post subject: |
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"That's perfectly fine, though! You need not get from the poem what I intended, in fact, I like that you say you get something else. As long as you feel/think something, then I am satisfied with what I did. "
"I'm glad to hear no overwhelming "This sucks!", as well."
####
That's the right attitude 
Everyone is rough on their own work but certainly no one could say that this sucks because it most definitly does not!
Besides, if one person said that they would probably be jealous from a creative point of view. Jealous of your talent. I know that I most definitly have been jealous of something someone else wrote before and thought, "Why couldn't I think of that?"
But sometimes I just appreciate things for what they are, as I did here.
AND also to add to that, one person's opinion is very different from the next.
Never forget that.
Thanks for listening.
TP!! |
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LunaBuna43
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| Posted: Thu May 08, 2008 1:40 am Post subject: |
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Wow Suz!
I like this! Especially the first and last stanzas!
And the questions you use just make it even better!
Awesome job like always!
~Lulu |
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Talking_Pinata
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| Posted: Thu May 08, 2008 9:45 pm Post subject: |
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This?
This was awesome. |
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PenguinAttack
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| Posted: Sun May 11, 2008 10:46 am Post subject: |
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Firstly; I love you. ^^
Now, your title is fantastic. It works with the poem and I think it makes sense, only change it if you feel you really must.
I like your structure here, Zeus, it’s interesting and a little different, always fun to see something a little separate from the norm. It also works well for the development of the poem itself. The poem makes sense and flows well, although I found
“where the air is too black to breath(e)” – add the “e” ^^
To be a little stilted. As a line it makes complete sense, and I think without it your next line loses a sense of reality, but the line itself was a little hard to wrap around.
“but with no gasp to scrape your vocal chords
you can’t scream I’m fine!”
Here, you’re second line is losing something. I think it’s lacking some syllables, perhaps “cannot” may work better here? It’s only a suggestion, but your line lengths are off here.
“The Doctors and Gawkers use your bloody,
choking face for a target and claim death,”
Here, I love the capitalization of “Doctors and Gawkers” – it’s more powerful for it, and the image is wonderful. However, I find that “bloody” is superfluous, do you need it with “choking”? If you can, or if you like, I would suggest losing it.
I love your repetition of “It’s just natural” it works so well considering the unnatural nature of the images. Your imagery is lovely, particularly your first lines;
“Let’s lie in fields of feline flowers
where the blades pierce and the whiskers tickle—“
I think this is wonderful, I can almost feel the grass and see the flowers. ^^
The words you use are well placed, and well thought out. With the exception of the above they all add (even the above does) to the poem and help it gain a new level. Your voice is quite good. I feel for the woman – it feels like a woman, if that’s okay? The emotion comes through well, the tone and the ease of the words help with this, and you develop the poem and the narrative well. The reader seems to be allowed to feel in the little bits, while you give us all we could ever need.
The ideas themselves, now I can see the overall image, of a man – or perhaps woman, although I feel it to be a man. xD – dying, slowly, because he refuses to take that breath. The one, simple breath that’s natural but not. And everyone thinks he’s past it, there’s no point, he’s dead, although he’s still grasping at the sky as it were, wondering why his lungs won’t work. So, that’s what I see, and feel, come the end of the poem. Which is a lovely thing – truly being able to find, comprehend and identify a meaning and true narrative in a poem.
You don’t fail at poetry at all, this is lovely. I think there could be some alterations here and there, but it has meaning, words and an image. ^^ So, I think you’re a quite good poet. No lying here. Completely deserving of life. ^^
Keep writing, Zeus!
*Hearts* Le Penguin. |
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Mad
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| Posted: Mon May 12, 2008 10:46 pm Post subject: |
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Let’s lie in fields of feline flowers 9
where the blades pierce and the whiskers tickle— 10
........There, can you be free? 5
where the air is too black to breath? 8
Your lungs will suck dry 5
and your tortured tongue will swell thousandfold, 10
but with no gasp to scrape your vocal chords 10
you can’t scream I’m fine! 5 |
The rhythm as it is currently makes the movement from line to line easy while the middle three lines, "there you ... suck dry" provide due to the shorter, concise lines that attracts attention ( 8 5 8 is effective). I wonder however if it would be better for the entire poem if the first line had the 10 syllables present in the others.
The imagery is strong, the opening of "fields of feline flowers" besides being beautifully descriptive makes good use of alliteration - something you use to good effect on an occasion or two.
| Quote: |
The Doctors and Gawkers use your bloody, 10
choking face for a target and claim death, 10
though you haven’t even died. 5
Can’t they see your fingers 6
fishing for mine in the sea of festering stress? 12
It’s just natural… 5
But I can’t convince you to take that breath 10
for the doctors’ gloves are the same ones 9
that suffocate your speech. 6 |
Comparatively the rhythm in this second stanza is quite a bit different (for what purpose?). Here the longest line of "fishing for mine.... " seems out of place. Useful given the strength of the description in the line. However, would a shorter line prove better? Not cutting out anything, but merging some of it with the previous line.
"Can't the see you fingers fishing for
mine in the sea of festering stress? " ⎯ or something along those lines (just a suggestion, if you feel a longer line, which provides that gasping, breathless feel is more suited to what you wanted to convey, well, I can see how it works.)
I must agree with Penguin Attack, the capitalization of Doctors and Gawkers works very well. The second and third line are nicely phrased.
| Quote: |
How I’d love for your lips to split apart—
For me to kiss and for you to speak:
It’s just natural. |
Lovely ending, probably my favorite lines of the poem; well phrased by itself but in the context of the whole poem much better. Oh, nicely titled.
The actual division into stanzas provides a break in the setting which also accentuates the contrasts between two sets of images already present in the first stanza (Opening with "feline flower" starting an effective contrast and a pleasant tone soon to be dashed). So what I'm trying to say is cleverly done and I like the way it culminates in that final line.
I suppose also, giving you my interpretation may help you in terms of bridging the reader poet gap (if it needs to be bridged) or simply for your interest - Meaning is peculiarly individual.
I see it as the people designed to help doctors and the likes, with the familiar spectators, don't and enjoy the fact that they aren't, while also consciously pushing the main character (male or female, or as it is universal in its ambiguity) away from what is natural, while the narrator watches helpless yet trying to help, with the now wavering doubt of what's natural. |
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Eimear
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| Posted: Sun May 18, 2008 7:48 pm Post subject: |
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Wow- sorry but I can't think of a better word to describe how I feel about reading this, (ironically, there is a word for that situation which escapes me at present...isn't life hillarious. Haha). How about...Whoa! We'll go with whoa for now.
So, um brillaint Suzanne. I even feel like a terrible fraud even contemplating trying to nit pick this when I can see no nits. Well, here goes.
| Quote: |
Let's lie in the field of feline flowers I wonder if the feline displays the soft, playful love?
where the blades pierce and the whiskers tickle— Great use of texture/touch. It makes the poem more real. Something not done enough in my opinion.
........There, can you be free?
where the air is too black to breathe?
Your lungs will suck dry
and your tortured tongue will swell thousandfold,
but with no gasp to scrape your vocal chords
you can’t scream I’m fine! (I think this description is gory but effective nonetheless. It almost hurt to read it, especially about the vocal chords. There's real evidence of frustration.)
The Doctors and Gawkers use your bloody, (The capitlization of Gawkers is great- I'm wondering if this is because they feel they have power, ownership to stare? Could be wrong)
choking face for a target and claim death,
though you haven’t even died.
Can’t they see your fingers
fishing for mine in the sea of festering stress? (Superb imagery)
It’s just natural…
But I can’t convince you to take that breath
for the doctors’ gloves are the same ones
that suffocate your speech.
How I’d love for your lips to split apart—
For me to kiss and for you to speak:
It’s just natural
(The kiss is unique, good job of that. It's used so often that it had almost lost it's meaning for me, but here it's original- the 'split' very powerful. |
In hindsight- this isn't really a critque, more an appreciation of a well written poem.
Well done.
*Clicks gold star
Hope and Best wishes,
Eimear |
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Cade
Stores writing utensils in a flowerpot.
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| Posted: Sun May 18, 2008 8:44 pm Post subject: |
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You must think I'm a horrid person for not coming to critique your poem. But here I am. (The truth is that I hate you so much I could not bring myself to post until now. )
Forgive me if the critique doesn't make a lot of sense. I either have a 24-hour bug or allergies, and whatever it is, it's making me feel yucky.
Overall, I'm ambivalent...on one hand, I absolutely love your tone and most of your images. But on the other hand I know I'm missing something in my understanding of this poem. I know I'm not quite understanding it all the way, not the way you intended it, but I also can't identify the gaps. This is a completely unhelpful comment, I know...but I guess that's how I feel about it?
| Quote: |
Let's lie in the field of feline flowers
where the blades pierce and the whiskers tickle— |
I'm not sure how I feel about "field of feline flowers". At first it seemed kind of silly, but I think I like the first and second lines very much together and not so much apart.
| Quote: |
There, can you be free?
where the air is too black to breathe?
Your lungs will suck dry
and your tortured tongue will swell thousandfold,
but with no gasp to scrape your vocal chords
you can’t scream I’m fine! |
When you say "There" do you mean it like "There, there" or like "There in the field"?
I like the slant rhyme going on with "free" and "breathe".
I do not like, however, the use of future tense. I would prefer:
Your lungs sucking dry,
your tortured tongue swelling thousandfold,
but with no gasp to scrape your vocal cords,
you can't scream I'm fine!
| Quote: |
The Doctors and Gawkers use your bloody,
choking face for a target and claim death,
though you haven’t even died. |
No to the line break between "bloody" and "choking"...it seems unnatural and visually disruptive to break between two adjectives. Actually, I don't even like the use of two adjectives. I'd take "choking" over "bloody" in a contest between the two. (What does this say of my personality, I wonder?)
Using "death" and "died" so close sounds funny. Why not:
...and claim death,
though you haven't gone yet.
Or a more crude euphemism like "kicked the bucket".
| Quote: |
Can’t they see your fingers
fishing for mine in the sea of festering stress? |
Love the way you describe the fingers as "fishing" but when you get to "sea of festering stress" it's gone too far. That image is unhappy, and unhappy in a bad way, not like pleasantly unsettling or anything. There are much better uses for the word "festering".
| Quote: |
It’s just natural…
But I can’t convince you to take that breath
for the doctors’ gloves are the same ones
that suffocate your speech. |
Here is where the poem got confusing for me.
| Quote: |
How I’d love for your lips to split apart—
For me to kiss and for you to speak:
It’s just natural. |
Excellent ending! Best part.
-Colly |
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Jasmine Hart
Laced With Darkness
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| Posted: Sun Jun 08, 2008 5:01 pm Post subject: |
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The title is great.Your language is brilliant as usual Clau. You have some beautiful phrases here. I especially liked;
"field of feline flowers
where the blades pierce and the whiskers tickle"
and
"Can’t they see your fingers
fishing for mine in the sea of festering stress?"
I also like the repetition of the 'e' sound in "festering stress", and the internal rhyme of "where the air."
The enjambment is good and held my attention.
I think this is a little jerky in parts. Maybe try reading it aloud so you can get a sense of the sound. I hope you'll excuse me for playing with syllabyls and line breaks a little...it will be easier for me to show you what I mean;
"Let's lie in the field of feline flowers
where the blades pierce and the whiskers tickle—
........There, can you be free?
where the air is far/much too black to breathe?
Your lungs will suck dry (suck dry what?)
and your tortured tongue will swell a thousandfold,
but with no gasp to scrape your vocal chords
you can’t cannot scream I’m fine!
The Doctors and the Gawkers use
your bloody, choking face
for a target and claim death,
even though you haven’t even died.
Can’t they see your fingers
fishing for mine
in the sea of festering stress?
It’s just natural…
But I can’t convince you to take that breath
for the doctors’ gloves are the same ones that
suffocate your speech. (This is a great sentence).
How I’d love for your lips to split apart—
For me to kiss and for you to speak:
It’s just natural." (The rhythm here is fine though I think the poem calmed down from hysteria too quickly.)
Hope this helps. Feel free to ignore my thoughts on rhythm, I've just adjusted it to the way I wanted to read it, but I acknowledge that now the layout may be a bit off...
Jas |
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[deleted3]
Writer
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| Posted: Wed Aug 06, 2008 8:39 pm Post subject: |
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"The Doctors and Gawkers use your bloody,
choking face for a target and claim death,
though you haven’t even died."
I thought this stanza kind of tapered off and was out of place in this poem.
"Can’t they see your fingers
fishing for mine in the sea of festering stress?"
But then I felt you made up for it with your next lines. I really liked this.
This was a well-written piece and I especially love the ending lines:
"For me to kiss and for you to speak" -- This was really good! I also felt like you should have ended the poem here, instead of ending it with "It's just natural."
Those are just my suggestions because overall I really like this. |
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