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TNCowgirl
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 Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 11:59 pm Post subject: Keri's Love Chapter Three Part One |
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“What is wrong with you?” Keri demanded as they made their way to her house Cameron staying out of the sun as much as possible sense he was mildly allergic to the sun.
“Nothing.” He replied pulling his collar up higher.
“You’re never that rude.” She replied turning and facing him. They were
standing under a set of trees so she didn’t have to worry about the sun.
“I didn’t like them.” He just replied calmly.
“You don’t know them!” She turned on her heel and kept walking. She was so agitated, how could he be so mean.
“I’ll go find a hotel to stay in while you clean. I’ll be there to check on you in a few hours.” He muttered turning and going the other way. She kept walking her anger slowly going away. She couldn’t stay mad at him for to long. She had know him too long, and was too close to him. She hadn’t know Ryder for more then a day, but she had known Chris for two years, they had even dated though nothing really ever came from it but a really good friendship. She sighed, why was everything getting so complicated. She walked around the bend to her house and saw something move in the woods next to her. She saw the red wolf and a scream stopped in her throat. She picked up her pace as did the wolf. She looked across the road, she was on one of the more rural roads because she had wanted to stay in the shadows for Cameron who was now gone. She felt the wind blow on her and she looked at the wolf who was sniffing the air. It was downwind from her. She started running towards her house. She didn’t know what this wolf wanted, but she was really starting to get scared. Ryder had said he never heard about the wolves attacking anyone, but he had never heard about this wolf. She saw it running easily alongside her. She could feel the fear rising inside her.
The wolf suddenly jumped out in front of her baring it’s teeth and growling. She stopped suddenly and backed up her heart pounding. It jumped towards her and she threw her hands up shielding her face. She felt it’s claws sink in her arm as she flew back on the side walk. It was suddenly thrown off her and she opened her eyes. An older guy stood over her a big stick in his hand. The wolf had taken off into the woods.
“Are you alright, Miss?” He asked, “We need to get you to the hospital, those scratches could get infected or something. I don’t understand why it didn’t bite you.” He helped her up. She still couldn’t get any sound past her throat. She let him help her to his truck and they drove in silence to the hospital. He left after being assured she was ok, the doctor’s wrapped her arm up and gave her some gauze and medicine to put on it to keep infection out. After they had finished a policemen came to get a description of the wolf and where it had happened so they could make sure it didn’t hurt anyone else. It wasn’t until three hours later before she finally got home. She saw Cameron sitting on the porch a frown on his face.
“Where have you been?!” He demanded, “And what happened to your arm?”
“I got scratched.” She replied pulling her keys from her pocket, “I have been at the hospital getting it taken care of.”
“What scratched you?” He demanded,
“I’m fine, Cameron, calm down. It was just a wolf, the police said they are going to track it down and make sure it doesn’t hurt anyone else.” She replied opening the door and walking in. He followed before she could keep him from it.
“What happened in here?” He growled,
“Someone broke in. They didn’t take anything, just tore the place up.” She admitted tossing her keys on a desk. “I wanted to clean it before anyone knew so I didn’t have to have anyone worrying about it.” She said as Camo ran over and licked Cameron’s hand.
“Your coming home. I’m not leaving you here, it’s too dangerous.” His replied firmly.
“No! I need to finish my degree, just a few more weeks.” She said turning and looking at him. “You know I’ve always wanted to be able to get my degree. You can’t keep me from it.”
“I’ll let you stay if you promise to do two things.” He replied crossing his arms.
“What?” She asked, he pulled a gun from the bag he had. She hadn’t noticed it before now.
“First you carry this. It is loaded, second, don’t see that guy Ryder or Chris anymore.” He replied.
“Chris is my friend.” She said firmly. “He is a good guy and just a friend, if he trusts Ryder then I do too. I don’t understand why you don’t trust them. They are good people.”
“You don’t know anything about them, Keri, just stay away from them.” Cameron replied getting defensive. “I don’t’ want you getting hurt and that is all they are good for, hurting people.”
“Cameron, go home!” She hissed turning around and starting to leave.
“Keri, I’m staying here and watching out for you like I told your parents I would. I will make sure you can’t see those two guys if I have to.” He hissed, she spun around her fists clenched.
“YOU CAN’T DO THAT!” She screamed.
“Yes, Keri, I can!” He replied looking her straight in the eyes. “What if that wolf had bitten you? Huh, what would’ve happened?”
“Same as when it scratched me, I’d go to the hospital and get it fixed up.” She replied angrily.
“Keri, you don’t know ANYTHING!” He took a deep breath, “You don’t understand anything, I’m calling your folks and you’re going home. I don’t want you around here. It isn’t safe.” He said turning and going towards the phone. |
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mizz-iceberg
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| Posted: Fri May 02, 2008 12:10 pm Post subject: Re: Keri's Love Chapter Three Part One |
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I'm in a great hurry, so I'll quickly review this. I'll probably come back and review again. But for now:
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“What is wrong with you?” Keri demanded as they made their way to her house Cameron staying out of the sun as much as possible sense he was mildly allergic to the sun.
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Ok couple of problems with this sentence:
1. It a run on sentence. You should probably put a period after a house and before Cameron.
2. After 'Cameron' I think you are missing a word... possibly 'was'.
3. since, not sense.
4. Allergic to the sun?? I understand vampires don't like sun. but I think Keri isn't gullible enough to believe he's allergic to the sun.
Maybe you can show the reason Cameron has for Kia, is that his skin is highly sensitive to the sun and the doctors told him to keep in shade as much as possible. That seems more believable.
Sorry for such a short review. I'll come back and do a proper one. |
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Last edited by mizz-iceberg on Fri May 02, 2008 5:18 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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TNCowgirl
Horse Freak/ Storybook junkie
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7 Points
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mizz-iceberg
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2818 Points
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| Posted: Fri May 02, 2008 5:19 pm Post subject: |
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Yes I didn't know that either. Lol. I don't know why I wrote werewolf up there. I meant vampire.  But I think you got my point  |
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chyeahmclovinx3
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| Posted: Fri May 02, 2008 6:15 pm Post subject: |
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yay !
im loving this.
its fantastic [:
more more more !
i suck at critiquing, sorry >.< |
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Vampy_Girl15
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| Posted: Fri May 02, 2008 8:24 pm Post subject: |
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Wow, lost of supense. I love it. I've been waiting for you to write more.
I really like the fact that Cameron gets really protective in this. It shows that he cares a lot.
Loving it. Keep writing!
~Rachael |
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