Topic ID: 29571
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Pundit
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 Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 6:57 pm Post subject: Shoes |
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If we stood in another's shoes,
And saw all their joys and sorrows,
Would we be able to remember,
Or would we forget them on the morrow?
And if they stood inside our own,
And knew all our faults and shame,
Would they forgive us for it all,
And hope we'd do the same? |
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miss_missa07
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| Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 11:50 pm Post subject: |
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Oh! This is excellent! It flows together extremely well and the rhyming is superb. I'm impressed  . I do have one suggestion, just that "Or would we forget them on the morrow?" sounds a little bit funky - I think it might just be a bit wordy. I think it would be a little more effective if you changed it from on the morrow to tomorrow, but that is just a suggestion. Either way, I love the poem a lot, and you did an amazing job! Keep up the good work. |
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zoeybird13024
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| Posted: Fri May 02, 2008 12:04 am Post subject: |
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I loved this poem--short and sweet! I love rhyming poetry! To me, it doesn't flow right unless the poem either rhymes or twists and turns onward and that gives it a flow. Speaking of flow, I have a little nitpick...
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And if they stood inside our own,
And knew all our faults and shame,
Would they forgive us for it all,
And hope we'd do the same? |
I don't know why, but this section just didn't seem to flow the same as the first section. It 'falls' oddly after shame, but I think it might sound better if you added a list--for example, and they knew all our faults, our doubts, our shame,.
Other than that, this poem was perfect! Keep writing! |
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God
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| Posted: Fri May 02, 2008 4:32 pm Post subject: |
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awesome poem, im surprised at this, great rhyme scheme, nice flow,
if you say,
"or would we forget them tommorow?" that might work better,
peace. |
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Demeter
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| Posted: Fri May 02, 2008 7:45 pm Post subject: |
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| Such a sweet, little, simple poem. I really liked this. And although it's simple, it has no vain words in it. |
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Pundit
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| Posted: Sat May 10, 2008 5:48 pm Post subject: |
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1.Changing it from "on the morrow" to tomorrow would change the number of syllables from ten to nine, which would disrupt its flow. Besides, morrow sounds better for poetry than tomorrow.
2.Changing it to a list like that would give it too many syllables. In fact, I have decided to take a word out of that line.
3.Shut up, Travis.
4.Although the words are simple, the underlying meaning is not.
Put it all together, and basically I am disagreeing with almost everything that was said.Keep up the good work! You pointed out to me the places where I needed improvement. |
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Writing for love is a pas
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| Posted: Sat May 10, 2008 6:09 pm Post subject: |
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| It is a sweet poem with lots of meaning. Nice. |
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