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This thread was created on April 30, 2008
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When the World Stops Spinning: Prologue
When the World Stops Spinning: Prologue
When the World Stops Spinning: Chapter 1
When the World Stops Spinning: Chapter 3
When the World Stops Spinning: Chapter 4
When the World Stops Spinning Chapter: 5
When the World Stops Spinning Chapter: 6

When the World Stops Spinning: Chapter 2
Topic ID: 29543
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Church   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Wed Apr 30, 2008 10:31 pm    Post subject: When the World Stops Spinning: Chapter 2 Reply with quote

Chapter 2: Run Away Before it Starts Again

The clouds loomed overhead seemingly defeated. The boy had survived the onslaught of the F5 tornado.

Together, Alex and Aurora climbed into a badly mangled Chevrolet pickup truck. Alex searched for a set of keys and quickly found there were none. Frustrated Alex broke open the steering column and searched for the ignition wires. Alex tried the first wire and obtained a very unfriendly shock. The second try resulted in a small shower of sparks and the third combination brought the engine to stuttering life.

“I’m not supposed to know how to do that.” Alex said to Aurora

“Well, I think it’s a very good thing you do.” She replied, a playful smile touching her beautiful lips.

“It did pay off, didn’t it.” Alex said as a smile began to creep into his own. He placed the gear selector into Reverse “Hold on.”

Alex punched the accelerator and the truck lunged back out of the grass and onto the debris covered road. Before the trucks backward momentum had been fully stopped Alex moved the selector to Drive and shoved his foot back down to the floorboard. The truck again lurched, only this time in a different direction and rapidly gained speed and swerved in and out of downed power lines, broken tree limbs, and other unrecognizable debris. Alex took Auroras hand in his right and left his other at the top of the steering wheel. She looked at him as the engine continued to rev up and the speedometer climbed reading off 60… 65… 70… 75 and finally leveling off at about eighty. Alex glanced over at Aurora. She held his hand with her good one and her broken one was in her lap.

“Is your hand going to be alright?” Alex asked worry creeping into his voice.

“I think I’ll be fine.” She replied.

There was a long moment of silence in the car and only the tires on the road to give the feeling of something going on around them. Finally Alex broke the silence. “You were right.” He said randomly.

“About what?” Aurora answered.

“There was a reason I was out during the tornado.” He was barely able to speak the words he desperately wanted to say.

“Well, what was it.” She pressed.

“I was afraid… Afraid I would never see you again. Afraid I would lose you. I was mad at the possibility so I screamed and only hoped that god would hear me because nothing else could.” A tear rolled down his cheek but he wasn’t crying, just a single tear of sadness and sorrow. He was force to cut his pain short to avoid pancaking into a flipped car.

“ I had a feeling I had something to do with it.” She replied when her breath came back from the sudden shock.

I figured you knew. I just had to make sure you did.” Alex said still calm and under some sort of control. Alex pointed out of the passenger window. “What’s that?” Alex asked not being able to make a long glance at it. He had pointed to a new swirling mass that was larger by two fold than the first. Alex spun the steering wheel enough to make the truck leap off the road and into a field at a forty-five degree angle into the tornado’s path. Alex risked a glance to Aurora. She did not seem to agree with Alex’s decision.

“We’re going to my uncle Jacob’s lab where we should be safe.” Under his breath he added, “I hope”

The two of them were running to safety right next to what they needed protection against. It was their only shelter for miles around and with the tornado approaching anyway, it appeared to be their only option for survival.


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PostPosted: Tue May 20, 2008 3:06 am    Post subject: Re: When the World Stops Spinning: Chapter 2 Reply with quote

Here I go! Rather late I might add... BUT I'm here now. hoo-ray.

Church wrote:


The clouds loomed 1.overhead seemingly defeated. The 2.boy had survived the onslaught of the F5 tornado.

A very short first paragraph, you could do a lot of describing here, so where is it?
1. First of all, great way to start. The concept of defeated clouds... great! But the delivery is inefficient. You need a comma between 'overhead' and 'seemingly'. And I think it would make more impact if you changed 'seemingly' to something like 'seeming defeated in the way...' bla bla bla insert creative juices here.
2. Boy? How old is he exactly? Also, as is, this sentence makes no sense. Something like 'the ?boy? who had survived the [adjective] onslaught of the F5 tornado stood...' bla bla bla more creativeness.


Together, Alex and Aurora climbed into a 1.badly mangled Chevrolet pickup truck. Alex searched for a set of keys and quickly found there were none. Frustrated Alex broke open the steering column and searched for the ignition wires. Alex tried the first wire and obtained a very unfriendly shock. The second try resulted in a small shower of sparks and the third combination brought the engine to stuttering life.

Well I must say I really liked the descriptions with the wires. Haha.
1. I think 'badly mangled' is 'badly-mangled'. Keywords: I think.
2. Haha Frustrated Alex. Unless you are renaming him as Frustrated Alex, I would suggest a comma. Although I do like Frustrated Alex.


“I’m not supposed to know how to do that.” Alex said to Aurora

“Well, I think it’s a very good thing you do.” She replied, a playful smile touching her beautiful lips.

“It did pay off, didn’t it.” Alex said as a smile began to creep into his own. He placed the gear selector into Reverse “Hold on.”

There's absolutely nothing wrong with the underlined portion, I just really like this. I can picture someone saying that easily. Nice!


Alex punched the accelerator and the truck lunged back out of the grass and onto the debris covered road. Before the trucks backward momentum had been fully 1.stopped Alex moved the selector to Drive and shoved his foot back down to the floorboard. The truck 2.again lurched, only this time in a different direction 3a.and rapidly gained speed 3b.and swerved in and out of downed power lines, broken tree limbs, and other unrecognizable debris. Alex took Auroras hand in his right and left his other at the top of the steering wheel. She looked at him as the engine continued to rev up and the speedometer climbed reading off 60… 65… 70… 75 and finally leveling off at about eighty. Alex glanced over at Aurora. She held his hand with her good one and her broken one was in her lap.

Ow my eyeballs fell out. Can I have them back? Just kidding, (I know, lame) but seriously this is a huge paragraph. Don't be afraid to break it up a little!
1. Comma between. I know you know this, I'm just catching your itty-bitty mistakes. It's fun. XD
2. Switch these two words for better sentence flow.
3a&b. Just use commas for a list, the 'and's interrupt the flow.


“Is your hand going to be alright?” Alex asked worry creeping into his voice.

Again, just another comma.


“I think I’ll be fine.” She replied.

There was a long moment of silence in the car and only the tires on the road to give the feeling of something going on around them. Finally Alex broke the silence. “You were right.” He said randomly.

“About what?” Aurora answered.

“There was a reason I was out during the tornado.” He was barely able to speak the words he desperately wanted to say.

“Well, what was it.” She pressed.

“I was afraid… Afraid I would never see you again. Afraid I would lose you. I was mad at the possibility so I screamed and only hoped that god would hear me because nothing else could.” A tear rolled down his cheek but he wasn’t crying, just a single tear of sadness and sorrow. He was force to cut his pain short to avoid pancaking into a flipped car.

force=forced of course. By the way, I really am starting to become a fan of your dialogue. Very realistic.

“ I had a feeling I had something to do with it.” She replied when her breath came back from the sudden shock.

1.I figured you knew. I just had to make sure you 2.did.” Alex said still calm and under some sort of control. Alex pointed out of the passenger window. “What’s that?” Alex asked not being able to make a long glance at it. He had pointed to a new swirling mass that was larger by two fold than the first. Alex spun the steering wheel enough to make the truck leap off the road and into a field at a forty-five degree angle into the tornado’s path. Alex risked a glance to Aurora. She did not seem to agree with Alex’s decision.

I think you should break this one up, even if it's not that long. There's a quick change of scene and it was confusing.
1. Le gasp! You forgot your beginning quotations! Tsk tsk.
2. Comma after did, just quotation grammar.


“We’re going to my uncle Jacob’s lab where we should be safe.” Under his breath he added, “I hope”

The two of them were running to safety right next to what they needed protection against. It was their only shelter for miles around and with the tornado approaching anyway, it appeared to be their only option for survival.

Good ending. Now where's the next chapter?!


More Characterization:
In this chapter, we mainly focus on Alex and Aurora. Which is good, because we're getting to know them better. I liked how Alex told her about why he stood in the storm and I liked the way Aurora knew him well enough to have already known.

Fantastic Dialogue:
This really impressed me. I can really see people actually saying this. It made the story more fun to read, especially combined with the descriptions that go along with the dialogue. The overall affect was me being able to picture the scene. You didn't Dialogue Dominate and you didn't use stilted conversation. Wonderful.

Hook:
You're keeping the reader interested, especially in the last chapter. After reading this, I eagerly await the next chapter. And that's good because if I didn't you'd get lots of lame excuses about me not wanting to critique. Imagine the horror.

Your Overall Score: A-
Interesting and well developed, but lacking some imagery.

-cat4prowl

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