Topic ID: 29541
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Talking_Pinata
Senior Writer
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Age: 16
Joined: 31 Dec 2007
Posts: 247
Reviews: 86
300 Points
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 Posted: Wed Apr 30, 2008 10:04 pm Post subject: INVALID TEXT- LOCK IF YOU SEE THIS |
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Sorry for the inconvienience |
Last edited by Talking_Pinata on Sun May 11, 2008 7:03 pm; edited 2 times in total |
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Talking_Pinata
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 31 Dec 2007
Posts: 247
Reviews: 86
300 Points
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| Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 2:35 am Post subject: Bumpeth |
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| So sorry. I want reviews cause I need them. So sorry for bumping. (and sorry AGAIN) |
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CrystalSorceress
Junior Writer
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Age: 15
Joined: 13 Aug 2007
Posts: 43
Reviews: 23
Country: Some fantasy land in the back of my brain.
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| Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 3:43 am Post subject: |
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This was good. I didn't notice a lot of errors; if there were any, I was too involved in the story to notice. 
I really liked how you kept switching back and forth between what was happening between Rossa and Satu and what Faolan was doing. It gave it an element of suspense. I was intrigued by Faolan, who he was, why he was looking for Rossa, etc. But the fact that you went back to Rossa and Satu made me wonder what he was going to do when he found them. I wasn't sure if he was good or bad, or why he was doing what he was doing. I liked that element of mystery. I'm still wondering why he has animal qualities. I like to have to keep guessing until the end of a book.
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| He laughed as I stared at them indecisively. I really shouldn’t have fallen on those cakes. |
I loved this bit. The fact that you were talking about Faolan and how mysterious he was and then suddenly switched back to the cakes, seemingly irrelevant and almost forgotten, but at the same time quite relevant, made me laugh. Even if you for some reason end up changing the whole thing, I say keep that bit at all costs.
The very last bit (the bit about Little Red Riding Hood) is a little confusing. I was reading it and trying to figure out what it meant and all that, and I sort of got lost. Are you trying to make it parallel the characters you've introduced this far? If you are, it's a little confusing. It's a great idea, but I think you might want to rework it a bit. It almost seemed like a random bit of text you just tacked onto the end. With reworking, though, it should work.
Great work!
-Sorceress |
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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.- Theodor S. Geisel (aka Dr. Seuss) |
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Talking_Pinata
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 31 Dec 2007
Posts: 247
Reviews: 86
300 Points
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| Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 10:38 am Post subject: |
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| Thankyou for the review! I agree with what you said about the last bit. I'll get to reworking that as soon as possible! Thanks again! |
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Periwinkle
jazz hands!
Novelist
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Age: 15
Joined: 01 Mar 2008
Posts: 271
Reviews: 99
Country: Crayola Crayon Box
300 Points
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| Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 11:22 pm Post subject: Re: Yarn -chapter 2- |
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I. NITPICKS
| Talking_Pinata wrote: |
| “Eighteen, shouldn’t you be in school then? It’s Thursday night!” I replied. I’d always been a rule-abiding child and teenager. There wasn’t much to complain about when I lived with my mother, who barely bothered speaking with me. |
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| “Dropped out. I’m not really pursuing anything special,” Rossa replied in her usual, everyday tone. I could barely believe her indifference. |
This strikes me as odd. She's known this girl, for what? one two hours?, and she can already tell that this is her "usual, everyday" tone?
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| There was another awkward silence, which Rossa appeared unaffected by. |
*Resists urge to make awkward turtle gesture* Okay...show us how Rossa appears unaffected? Is she stacking the spilled crackers? Is she counting the dots on the ceiling?
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| Faolan halted suddenly and strolled around outside the gas station before walking inside. He examined the chocolate bar box, and found one missing. Smiling, he bought one chocolate bar of his own, prowled outside, and tore at it like an animal. Within five seconds, chocolate coated his hands and turned his normally gleaming white teeth brown. |
Time approximations annoy me. Especially second ones. I think it would be better to say "Within seconds".
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| She had lingered here for a long time. He continued following the scent and came upon the plastic bag of cakes and the broken wine bottle. Shaking his head in disappointment, he looked up at the street lamp which shadowed his animal-like face beautifully. He took a deep breath but it caught in his throat as he smelled her companion. Who had she made friends with this time? Did it matter? |
I swear I might eat your face off! It's street lamp, yo! Street lamp!!!
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| Not really. There wasn’t much further to go, he began strolling calmly down the sidewalk, his wild, proud stance nearly gave off his inhuman personality. Although he slouched slightly, he always appeared to be a cat or dog on defense of something. |
Something is such a whatever word...kind of like "stuff" change it to something more powerful.
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| “I know! It scared me when I was a child and the darkness of it still freaks me out a little,” I enthusiastically agreed. |
I don't think you need "enthusiastically" the explanation points say a lot.
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| He should turn here, he smelt it. Sauntering down the grass to the back of the house, he sensed her companion more strongly. |
Smelled would be better.
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| There he stood all shadowed, tall, and older looking. His sinister smirk darkened his face. He wore a black shirt and black jeans, adorned lightly in chains. His face was darkened with eyeliner and some sort of black lipstick. I screamed lightly and as it died away I stared at his menacing smile and strange appearance with intense fear. |
You never made any gesture that she went to the door. Add one in. And this description reminds me of a kid at school..hahaa...except his not sinister or anything.
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| “wh-wha-what?” I squeaked out. |
Cap the "Wh".
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| “Your, brother?” I asked, exasperated. I saw no resemblance whatsoever. Maybe it was the makeup, but he had a more animal appearance to him. Fierce, ferocious, proud, and wise were the personalities portrayed in his mysterious eyes. His hair was stranger than his makeup, it was a light grey, and it stuck out in all directions like a mane of some sort. The whole outfit looked like some drastic costume out of a play. He looked like he was around nineteen or twenty years old. |
Be careful with describing what a person's eyes look like. It's kind of a fantasy cliche. 
II. OVERALL IMPRESSION
This is teh best of the lot as far. I thought this pretty good - and interesting. However, I have to agree with the prior reviewer on how Satu is too trusting. The only other thing I can point out was when we first meet Faolan and Rossa runs up to hug him the way it was written it seemed a more romantic than a sibling relationship. Maybe that's because that's what couples do at my school, but whatever. Just wanted to point that out. Otherwise, good work. |
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Maybe you should kiss someone nice or lick a rock, or both - Regina Spektor |
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Talking_Pinata
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 31 Dec 2007
Posts: 247
Reviews: 86
300 Points
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| Posted: Sat May 03, 2008 4:29 pm Post subject: |
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| Thankyou for the review! I've changed some things around according to what you've pointed out as mistakes or "nit-picks" Thankyou! |
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Jaliayh101
Junior Writer
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Age: 18
Joined: 30 Mar 2008
Posts: 33
Reviews: 21
300 Points
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| Posted: Sat May 03, 2008 7:24 pm Post subject: lol |
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| “Wh-wha-what?” I squeaked out. lol i luv dat is soudns like a chicke bu-u-buck!!!! |
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Talking_Pinata
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 31 Dec 2007
Posts: 247
Reviews: 86
300 Points
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| Posted: Sat May 03, 2008 7:30 pm Post subject: |
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| Ummm....thankyou? Haha. |
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