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Jamie_rocks
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 Posted: Sat Jun 21, 2008 9:57 pm Post subject: |
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| Okay, thanks for everything. Once the first chapter is done, I'll edit this and post them together. |
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ButterFlyInk
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| Posted: Sun Jun 22, 2008 1:56 am Post subject: |
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2 thumbs up is all I can say  ...I think you should use this as a prologue...buts thats just my opinion cause with the way part one ended it seemed to me that the MC was reflecting or remembering that tragic night.
one question: Is part 2 going to be on what the MC is doing now? |
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Jamie_rocks
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| Posted: Sun Jul 06, 2008 11:45 pm Post subject: |
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| Okay, I'll think about that. Thanks. |
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Jamie_rocks
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| Posted: Fri Jul 11, 2008 2:28 am Post subject: |
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Okay, I'll think about that. Thanks.
And yes, it is. |
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Insomnia
The meaning of life is stuck to your shoe!
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| Posted: Fri Jul 11, 2008 7:30 am Post subject: |
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Hey, Jamie. I don't think we've met before? Nice to meet you, if not.  This is a pretty good piece, probably a bit too short. Your descriptions are good, but you could elaborate in some places to extend the word count. If this is more of a Prologue type chapter, then it's probably an exception, but think about adding a couple of hundred more words or so.
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| His struggles were becoming weaker. His head broke the surface but before he could take a breath he was forced under again. |
Watch your sentence beginnings here. You start with "His" twice in a row. If you want to keep your readers' attention, then keep the beginnings varied.
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| Through the haze of water Mark could dimly see the face of his mother, twisted into unimaginable hate, as she forced her son deeper into the freezing lake. |
The flow of this is a bit slow, so you should take out the second comma.
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| Mark knew he was going to die. |
Have people told you about showing instead of telling before? Instead of stating things bluntly, try to describe them. For example, say things him starting to feel dizzy, his vision blurring, how he's swallowing water, etc.
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| As I stood there, watching my mother, the one whom I had always loved and admired, the woman I wanted to be like, I knew without doubt that my brother was gone forever. |
Again, this sentence ruins the flow of the story. Try summarising it so that it doesn't require so many commas. Remember, if you have run-on sentences in the middle of a piece like this, it ruins the suspense.
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| As I looked into the water I imagined I could see Mark, his face bloated, the lips purple. |
Just scrap "the" hair, and make it, "his face bloated, lips purple." Otherwise, it sounds like there's some disembodied lips in there with him somewhere.
That's all I found. This is only a prologue, of course, but if you ca, try to add more characterising touches to your protagonist. For example, have him remember the good times he spent with his brother. Give some hints as to why this is happening today.
This was good. PM me when you put the next part up.
-Mat |
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Jamie_rocks
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| Posted: Sun Jul 13, 2008 11:55 pm Post subject: |
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Okay thanks for everything. I'm rewriting this as soon as I finish the third chapter of The Love Note, and this'll help.
And by the way, I guess you can't tell it now, but the speaker is a girl. |
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ProfessorRabbit
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| Posted: Tue Jul 15, 2008 5:23 pm Post subject: |
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Mark tried to scream, but as soon as he opened his mouth the icy cold water flooded in, and all that emerged was a strangled gurgling sound. He kicked and thrashed against the firm hands that held him down, but he was only six, no match for a strong adult. His struggles were becoming weaker. His head broke the surface but before he could take a breath he was forced under again.
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Every sentence in this paragraph starts with "Mark" or "he."
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Mark tried to scream, but as soon as he opened his mouth the icy cold water flooded in, and all that emerged was a strangled gurgling sound.
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The beginning is good, but the sentence drags on a little for a dramatic opener.
"Mark tried to scream, but as soon as he opened his mouth the icy water flooded in, and all that emerged was a strangled gurgle."
"Icy" and "cold" are basically saying the same thing, so you only need one of them. "Sound" is also pretty redundant in this instance.
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He kicked and thrashed against the firm hands that held him down, but he was only six, no match for a strong adult. His struggles were becoming weaker.
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"He kicked and thrashed, but his six-year-old body was no match for the firm arms of a strong adult, and his struggles soon began to weaken."
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His head broke the surface but before he could take a breath he was forced under again.
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This sentence needs more emotion.
"For one frantic instant, his head broke the surface, but before he could take a breath he was forced under again."
This also moves the pronoun from the beginning of the sentence.
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Through the haze of water Mark could dimly see the face of his mother, twisted into unimaginable hate, as she forced her son deeper into the freezing lake.
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Surprise! I'd put this at the end of the previous paragraph, or make it a paragraph by itself. I just don't like watering-down this revelation with the prose that follows.
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Mark knew he was going to die.
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If you use the previous sentence as its own paragraph, you could put this sentence on the end. However, I do have one point: how accurate is a six-year-old's knowledge of death? Is that old enough to understand what death is?
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He looked up through the water that was to become his grave, looked up for the last time at the moon and stars glowing so coldly in the velvety night sky, then surrendered to the black tide rising behind his eyes, and prayed for it to end quickly.
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Again, does this seem like the attitude of a six-year-old child? I'd expect more confusion, maybe a sense of betrayal that his mother isn't ending his suffering, but I can't imagine a child so young praying for a quick death.
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I stood at the water’s edge, staring out at my mother as she forced my big brother’s head under the water again. I had long since stopped screaming, and merely stood in silent horror, the tears dried on my cheeks. I prayed for Mark’s head to pop above the surface, to take in that life-saving breath, but I knew in the pit of my soul he wouldn’t. As I stood there, watching my mother, the one whom I had always loved and admired, the woman I wanted to be like, I knew without doubt that my brother was gone forever.
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Whoa, sudden perspective change! You've got to give us some kind of warning here, or we're left thinking, wtf? Also, if this child is Mark's little brother, the question of understanding must come up again. A child that young might understand that his mother is hurting his brother, but these thoughts are pretty deep for that little brain.
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My mother straightened suddenly, her murderous fire starting to die. In the distance, I heard police sirens and silently begged them to hurry. As I looked into the water I imagined I could see Mark, his face bloated, the lips purple. He floated down into the depths, the weeds grabbing at him and pulling him down into his grave.
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This kid watches way too much TV if he can imagine his brother's drowned face so vividly.
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The psychotic woman who had once been my mother locked her eyes on me. But then, as if she realized what she had done, what she was trying to do, I could see the fear glittering in her eyes. The fear of a wild animal backed into a corner, with only one way out. She glanced towards the distance, where the sirens were getting louder, then spun around and plunged into the inky waters. Waves splashed out and lapped against my bare feet, but I stayed frozen in place, oblivious to the water, and watched as the waves faded to ripples, then those too faded, taking with them the secret of all the horrors that had just occurred.
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Again, this kid is reading some awfully deep stuff into his mother's eyes and her expression. And "she glanced toward the distance, where the sirens were getting louder," just seems a little weird. Maybe try "She glanced in the direction of the crescendoing sirens."
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The next thing I knew a warm blanket was around my shoulders, and gentle arms lifted me up. The tears came suddenly. As strong arms held me close, I let the tears flow freely. The last thing I remember from that night is crying in the arms of a complete stranger.
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A comforting ending for the kid.
Okay, this story leaves a lot unanswered. Why did the mother snap like this? Why did she kill the one child and not the other? Who called the police?
The biggest problem I have with the story, though, is the perspectives of the two children. I honestly don't feel that children this age would have these kinds of thoughts and feelings. Their minds are much simpler than that. They don't understand complex, adult emotions. It doesn't feel realistic to me at all, and because of that it seriously detracts from my enjoyment of your story. Maybe if the children were twice as old, but at six and younger, I'm just not buying it.
Sorry if that sounds harsh. It's a good little story, I just think it needs to be told from some other perspective, or be altered so that it reads as if a child is thinking, and not a young teen. |
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