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Monki
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 Posted: Thu Apr 24, 2008 5:46 pm Post subject: Cooties |
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What do you do when you like a guy, but you know it doesn't really matter? He doesn't like you. He likes someone else.
You want to get over it, forget about it. But, you can't. The subject is always brought up somehow. Everywhere you go. It's all that anyone ever talks about. Even when they're not talking about him, everything reminds you of him. Everything.
It's not a little crush anymore. It never was. He's all you think about now. Day in, day out. Day and night. When you're awake and asleep. Sleep doesn't stop the thoughts. Nothing does.
He's taking over you. How you act, how you think, how you live.
Sometimes, you just want to let go of it, get over it. Other times, you don't. You want to cry and cry until it's all over. Until you've drowned the world in your sorrow.
You look at people everywhere, silently mocking you. Everyone acts as though nothing's wrong. But, you don't understand. How can they be so happy? Not a care in the world. You suddenly remember those good days in elementary school, when you were younger. When boys had "cooties".
Now, you couldn't care if he had cooties or germs or a deadly disease. He was perfect.
But, what would happen if you decided you could confide in a few close friends? Rumors go around and around. Your reputation is ruined. But, you could care less. As long as he doesn't find out. No. He can't find out.
I walked into school that morning, feeling pathetic. The weekend hadn't done anything except remind me of what a loser I was. I had sat at home, doing nothing but feeling sorry for myself, lounging in my bed, and watching television. If I wasn't heartbroken, that would have been the ideal weekend.
"Hey, retard!" my friend, Payton, yelled down the hallway. Just her way of telling me that she missed me. But, what's to miss?
"Hey," I replied. I guess she could tell that I'm still unhappy.
"Will you just STOP moping? OMG, what is your problem? Just get over it. If he can't see what's right in front of him, he's not worth it," she consoles me.
"I... just can't. It's so hard," I answer sadly. "Ugh! Why is it so hard to let go of someone you never had a chance with?"
"You really need to stop being like that. You're so pessimistic. Be happy! Like me! He's a l-o-s-e-r!" Payton spells it out for me.
"Not helping," I tell her. "He's not a loser. He's... amazing." I act like I'm listening to her, but I'm not. I'm looking for him. But, I don't see him. "Where is he?" I accidentally ask myself out loud.
"You're not even listening to me? I'm trying to be a good friend by making you feel better, but you're not listening? You're looking for THAT idiot?" She's really upset now. This is her one chance to help me and I'm not listening. Mostly because she's not doing a good job of it, but... she's trying. She's usually the one with the problems that I fix. For once, it's not like that.
"I'm sorry," I apologize. "I just-."
"Save it," she replies, angrily. "We need to get to class." |
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mizz-iceberg
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| Posted: Thu Apr 24, 2008 10:21 pm Post subject: Re: Cooties |
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Cute. I could actually relate to this as I've often fallen for guys who are clueless to even what my name is :S.
Overall I found the grammar okay.
Just one small thing:
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| "Will you just STOP moping? OMG, what is your problem? |
It would be best that you put 'Stop' in italics than to capitalize it. Also, please change the 'OMG' and write it in full. We're not in a chat room here.
In the beginning I found your sentences rather choppy. Maybe you can combine a sentence or two in some places and make it flow better.
Another thing, if I might add:
I'd like you to show us Payton. Describe her. I want to know if she's short and chirpy or tall with red hair. Where are the two girls when they have the conversation? Leaning against their lockers? I know their in the hallway but how are the positioned? There's not much I know about Payton's relationship with this character. How the two act are with each other. All I know is that the protagonist is helping Payton with her problems than Payton helping her. So is she helpful? I found you piece rather vague. But I can see your story didn't end here. So you might have planned to put all this information and elaborate more later on. |
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Monki
puts the FRESH in FRESHman!
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| Posted: Thu Apr 24, 2008 10:33 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks. I actually planned on describing Payton further later.
As for what you called chatspeak (OMG), that is part of her dialogue. How she speaks. I have many friends who talk like that. It's actually very realistic. Sometimes I even speak like that, instead of actually saying 'Oh my, God'. To tell you the truth, I am actually usually very petty about this, but if it's part of the story, it's part of the story. And that's just how Payton speaks.
Choppy sentences. Lol. I kind of noticed that as I was writing this, but I wanted to see what everyone else thought. I'll try to work on this. 
Thanks for the critique. |
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Summerless
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| Posted: Fri Apr 25, 2008 1:03 am Post subject: |
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I like the little intro thing you draw us all in with. I can totally relate myself to her. Everything is so cute and I like the reality of this. As far as I know, there are no super popular girls who carry the most expensive handbags and wear the most expensive clothes. There aren't any wildly out of place events either.
All of the sentences add more characterization to Pashton and/or the guy the narrator likes and/or the narrator herself.
Good job and keep it up :] |
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crazy_lil_blondie
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| Posted: Fri Apr 25, 2008 2:46 am Post subject: |
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I just have to say....Wow. I LOVED it!
I think the choppy sentences fit well with this story, because I know from experience that when you have a MAJOR crush [or really really really like someone], that's usually how you think (well, at least I did). Also, it's those choppy sentences that usually have the most impact, so... I like them.
Keep up the good work!  |
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Monki
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| Posted: Fri Apr 25, 2008 12:22 pm Post subject: |
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Wow! Thanks you guys. For my creative writing class, my teacher wants us to start writing a novel. She says by June 1st she wants us to have at least five chapters. I think this is going to be what I write my novel on.
I thought the choppy sentences went rather well with this story. Because this story is really based on my real life at the moment, and when I'm writing about him that's just how I write. Except, I'm changing the names a bit. I changed my best friend's name to Payton in this story. Her real name's Breana.
If you guys have any suggestions about anything, just let me know. I really want this to be my first novel. Since this novel is based on my real life, it has a huge impact on me. I've been writing this off and on, because since I'm writing about my real life, I go to school, see what happens with him and then I add it to this novel.
Thank you both for the reviews. I didn't know people would actually love it! I'm going to be a freshmen in August and I decided to apply to be in an Honors Creative Writing class, but to be in it, you must have teacher reccomendation, you must write a letter saying why you want to be an author, and you have to give them a two page excerpt of your writing. I gave them this excerpt. I hope they think it's "worthy". At the end of the class, you have a chance to get your book published. It's a really cool thing.
<3,
Monki |
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mizz-iceberg
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| Posted: Fri Apr 25, 2008 1:03 pm Post subject: |
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Hello again. Ok I see what you mean by OMG, it makes sense now.
So sorry about that.
And if you feel the short sentences describe our emotions best than leave it like that.
And yes best of luck with this novel!!! Hope you get into your Creative Writing Class! |
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chyeahmclovinx3
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| Posted: Fri Apr 25, 2008 6:24 pm Post subject: |
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personally, i like the OMG.
it adds to her personality.
because i know its not just how you type because you spell everything else out.
i like it.
but yeah, i guess we need to get to know payton a little.
but woo !
this is amazingg, cant wait to read more [: |
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Monki
puts the FRESH in FRESHman!
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| Posted: Fri Apr 25, 2008 7:45 pm Post subject: |
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I am SO glad that I'm getting such positive feedback and some constructive criticism!
Yeah, I don't really like typing in chat-speak. It's not appealing.
Thanks everyone! If anyone ever needs a critique, let me know. I'm trying to work my way up to instructor.  |
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tennisprincess
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| Posted: Sat Apr 26, 2008 5:10 pm Post subject: |
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I feel truth behind it. I hate reading something and knowing it's completely fake and that it in fact doesn't stem from experience at all. This didn't have that.
I loved every inch of it. And I especially sensed the strong bond of friendship between the main character (I assume it's you and that this was written from actual experience) and Payton. You can tell by the way she says "Hey retard," That they are best friends.
I agree that this is soemthing many girls can relate to, the feeling of uselessness and hopelessness. God knows I've felt it before. Overall, I loved it but I didn't know what to call it. Was it a short story? Was it a journal entry? I didn't quite catch that.
No clear issues in puncuation or grammar.
ALthough this is deeply emotion I understand, you may also want to be careful as I have heard many many many variations of the same story. After time, some critics may become tired of hearing this and they'll just call it crap. I don't do that because I feel like you deserve to hear what's good and what's bad. So that's a thing to watch out for. I'd like to look at some of your other work to see if it's similar to this and I think I will.
Happy writing! And thanks for reading my opinions.
9/10 |
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seruma rf
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| Posted: Sat Apr 26, 2008 6:24 pm Post subject: |
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| I love what Payton says because it is something someone in real life would do, and shows how good friends they are. With the dialogue you can see their personality, which is a good thing too. The little intro was good as well and caught my attention. You've got me hooked! |
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| Posted: Wed Jun 11, 2008 1:35 am Post subject: |
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| Okay, so I pretty much love this. I can totally relate to this, except I knew the guy was a complete jerk..but he commanded my life anyway. He knew I liked him, even though I never told him, so he would tell me I had to do stupid things (this was while we were talking on AIM) or he would block me. I would always say no, but eventually I would do it, haha. But whatever, I got over it like, a year ago, and now he sits next to me in homeroom and I don't even talk to him. That's life, huh? But anyway, enough about me, more about you, lol. This story was awesome, great emotion. I'm a really crappy reviewer, unlike yourself, I have a bad eye for grammar and whatnot. But, I figured I'd give some good ole positive feedback anyway. |
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Areida
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| Posted: Wed Jun 11, 2008 3:49 am Post subject: |
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Hey Monki!
Generally your grammar is all right, but I'm not a big fan of your phrasing and punctuation. I understand that sometimes we just think in choppy sentences, but that doesn't necessarily translate into good prose.
An example:
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| You want to get over it, forget about it. But, you can't. The subject is always brought up somehow. Everywhere you go. It's all that anyone ever talks about. Even when they're not talking about him, everything reminds you of him. Everything. |
One way to do it (this is just a suggestion, though, I'm not saying make these changes word-for-word or anything; this is just to give you an idea):
You wish you could just get over it, forget the whole thing, but you can't. Somehow, no matter what, he always seems to come up, no matter where you go. They're not, but it seems like all they ever talk about is him. And even when they're not talking about him, everything else rushes to take up their role. Laughter reminds you of watching him laugh with his friends in the hallway; one of your t-shirts is a pale representation of his eyes: everything reminds you of him - everything.
Also, I think the tension in general is lacking:
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| What do you do when you like a guy, but you know it doesn't really matter? He doesn't like you. He likes someone else. |
Ugh, seriously, who doesn't know this feeling? Tons of fun, right? 
But it's ineffective. Let those angsty teenaged feelings steamroll over your audience! Make us feel it! Most of the people reading it here are still deep in the throes of adolescence, so for us it's remembering a feeling a few minutes ago, rather than years ago, as you'd have to do with adults.
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| Sometimes, you just want to let go of it, get over it. Other times, you don't. You want to cry and cry until it's all over. Until you've drowned the world in your sorrow. |
In a piece like this, you want to use angst to your advantage, not disadvantage. Talking about wanting to just get over him is redundant, too, since you've already discussed it. But really - drown the world in your sorrow because you like a guy who doesn't know you exist? There are kids starving in third-world countries and economic crises and a major election going on - this is just too much.
Remember Humphrey Bogart in Casablanca? - "The problems of two little people don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world." And he's right - it just feels like they do. However, Casablanca is one of the greatest love stories of all time, so it did have that going for it. If you want to talk about some teenaged girl's tears drowning the world in sorrow, you're really going to have to do a lot more work before it elicits anything other than an eye-rolling.
HOWEVER, that is not to say it's impossible - just don't expect massive sympathy for your character right off the bat. It's going to take some time.
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| Now, you couldn't care if he had cooties or germs or a deadly disease. He was perfect. |
"Cooties" is the title of the piece, but I don't really see the connection. Did they grow up together? Did she once think of him as just an icky boy, but now she's desperate for his attention? This needs to have more of a connection.
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| Just her way of telling me that she missed me. But, what's to miss? |
Oh, please. Far too melodramatic.
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| "Will you just STOP moping? OMG, what is your problem? Just get over it. If he can't see what's right in front of him, he's not worth it," she consoles me. |
It's cool if Payton's one of those people who uses chatspeak in real conversation, but you'll want to spell it out in this so people understand that's what she's doing, not that you're just too lazy to make it clear. So go for "omigod" or "omigaw" or "ohemgee," and I think that will clear up any confusion.
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| This is her one chance to help me and I'm not listening. Mostly because she's not doing a good job of it, but... she's trying. She's usually the one with the problems that I fix. For once, it's not like that. |
Why is this her "one chance"?
You have a very relatable story going here, that fits well for our age group. You are still struggling with tension, dialogue flow, and melodrama, but with some work, I think it can appeal to a larger audience as well. Good luck! |
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lhighton
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| Posted: Wed Jun 11, 2008 2:59 pm Post subject: |
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Hi, Monki, nice to meet you!
Now, to what I think:
The opening paragraphs were really well-written. Very... analytical. And I'm sure many people can relate to it. It was not so much 'beautiful prose' but is effective for the sort of contempory YA fiction you're clearly aiming for.
After that though, when you slipped into present day and all the dialogue... Without offending you here, I hope, it was quite clumsy. It was like you had less interest in it and became just a conversation really. It was a letdown.
Conclusively, please put more love and affection into those last few paragraphs! They deserve it! hehe.
Well, good luck and best regards.
L |
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