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How to Dance Freely in Your Underwear (1)
How to Dance Freely in Your Underwear (1)

by clograbby in Other Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Action/Adventure Fiction

This thread was created on April 22, 2008
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Eleven Days In Hell #1
Eleven Days In Hell #3
Eleven Days In Hell #4
Eleven Days in Hell #5
Eleven Days in Hell #6

Eleven Days In Hell #2
Topic ID: 29230
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Flemzo   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Wed Apr 23, 2008 2:17 am    Post subject: Eleven Days In Hell #2 Reply with quote

The splattered blood on the wall slowly dripped downward, and the corpse of the fallen officer continued to spill blood on the ground. Officers and civilians ran for cover, but Arnold continued to stand dumbstruck in the middle of the parking lot, eyes flitting from his cell phone to the body lying in front of him. He barely noticed when Kevin grabbed his arm and dragged him behind a squad car.

“What the hell are you doing?” screamed Kevin. “You could have gotten yourself killed!”

Arnold was too petrified to talk; all he could do was stare at the message on his cell phone and think of the consequences. He was not going to die—not for eleven days—but he knew that these eleven days were going to be the worst eleven days of his life. He thought back to when he was thirteen, getting the news that his father was killed in a car accident. The nights he spent crying himself to sleep had done nothing to prepare him for knowing the exact date of his death. There were so many things he wanted to do, so many places he wanted to go, so many things he wanted to see—and now, he would never see them.

Arnold was receiving a lecture from Kevin similar to a lecture his mother would give to him about being aware of his surroundings and how he could have gotten himself killed, and for a moment, he regressed back to his childhood, agreeing with everything he said without really listening to what it was he was saying. Suddenly, the sharp sting of flesh smacking flesh snapped him back to reality, and Kevin’s glowering face was tight on his.

“Are you even listening to what I’m saying?” he yelled.

“Kevin,” said Arnold as somberly as he could, “I’m going to die in eleven days.”

Kevin wasn’t sure if he should be angry or worried. “What the hell are you talking about?” he asked.

Arnold held up his cell phone so Kevin could read the message. Kevin’s expression went from anger to confusion, and eventually to bewilderment. “When did you get this?” he asked.

“Just before the shot,” said Arnold.

Tension hung thick in the air; neither of the two wanted to talk, for fear of what would happen. Finally, Arnold stood up and said, “I better be going home. I need to rest for a while.”

“Yeah,” Kevin agreed. “I don’t blame you. And I’ll understand if you don’t show up tomorrow.”

“Thanks.”

Arnold climbed into his vehicle, and turned the ignition. The public radio channel had just gotten the news about the sniper attack where he was now idling. He always found it amazing how quickly news travels about occurrences like this, and how quickly people forget about it. He smiled at his sudden burst of philosophy, and stuck his cell phone in his cup holder. Before he put the car in gear, he did a double take—something wasn’t right about his phone. He picked it up, and examined the screen. A dingy green slime had replaced the wallpaper he set up, and a counter was proudly displayed on top of it.

Time left in Arnold’s life: 10 days, 23 hours, and roughly 44 minutes.

I have to be dreaming, he thought to himself. There is no way this is happening.

He turned up the radio and drove as fast as he could to his home just outside of Lorendo. He was going to need a lot of brandy to clear his mind.

Just ten miles away, on a grassy hill next to a quarry, a lone figure dressed in black was watching Detective Arnold Baxter as he drove away. The headset he was wearing was broadcasting faint snippets of conversation from the radio, as well as the occasional muttering and groaning from Arnold himself. The figure was pleased; his plan thus far was going well. It would be eleven days of torture before he could finally be killed. It worked so well for the first girl—how hard could it be to amass two victims?

The figure packed up his rifle and scope, and ran off toward his rusty Chevrolet truck. My programmer did such a good job coding this virus, he thought to himself. It’s a shame I killed him—now who will I call for tech support?

The Chevrolet’s engine strained and whined before finally turning over. He switched the viewer to the GPS option, and was able to follow the detective home without having to worry about losing him in traffic. Yes, the programmer had thought of everything—GPS to see where the victim was at any moment, one-way radio to listen in on conversations, a host server to view what they were doing with their phone—and he had coded it so well that there was virtually no way they could trace it back to a single number. He would be the first to commit the perfect crime, and if they ever got on his trail, he would simply move and wreak havoc somewhere else. It all seemed so beautifully perfect.

Arnold pulled into the long driveway of the acreage he lived on. He liked it out in the country; it was quiet, peaceful, and no one could bother him about his job. He pulled into the garage, closed the door, and walked into his house.

The house was well-organized, despite Arnold being a perpetual bachelor. Things were mostly put away in their proper places, and the carpet wasn’t as dirty as it could have been; the bookshelf was lined with crime novels and books on the philosophies and religions of the world. A smattering of pictures were placed haphazardly around the room—not completely hidden, but if one wasn’t looking for them, one wouldn’t find them. The room seemed to imply organized chaos, which reflected on the lifestyle he led.

Arnold perused through the cupboard, looking for a tall glass and his bottle of Cognac. After finding both, he carried them to the couch, and turned on the television. The CNN report talked about the discovery of Kristen Marquez, as well as the sudden shooting of a police officer yet to be disclosed.

Arnold tossed back a glass of Cognac, and flipped through the channels trying to find something interesting to watch. As he tossed back more and more Cognac, the television became less and less interesting, until finally, Arnold fell asleep on the couch, the glass slowly slipping from his fingers; his cell phone, still sitting on the counter where he left it, counting down his time left on this Earth.

Outside his window, a lone, dark figure spied on him. But no one would ever know


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Echolair   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Thu Apr 24, 2008 7:26 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey you're back with the second one.

Quite disappointing that you hung it for a drag read and nothing much in it. I know it would be torture that Arnold has to think about it every second but in a chapter so short like this, maybe you could've put something better than the lonesome stalking and the drinking and all those shiz. Maybe the ending line in this chapter could've been more dramatic and such a cliffy for us to have the same anticipation for reading what's next.

Other than that, it's still written perfectly and you still got me hooked enough to read more.

Thanks for PMing me for this. I'm glad I read it. Smile

Kudos!

<3 JACE

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Sugarbowl   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 26, 2008 8:18 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

This one had me stumped for a while Confused

It is good. But parts of it didn't keep the tone that the last part had. I know the piece needs description, but at points it felt like a bit simple. The first few paragraphs felt like they were just describing what was going on and not much more.
You proved later on in the piece that you can manage the actions and the descriptions while still keeping the dry, subtle humour of the tone.

flemzo wrote:
He smiled at his sudden burst of philosophy, and stuck his cell phone in his cup holder.


flemzo wrote:
The house was well-organized, despite Arnold being a perpetual bachelor


flemzo wrote:
A smattering of pictures were placed haphazardly around the room—not completely hidden, but if one wasn’t looking for them, one wouldn’t find them.


There's three examples of some really good sentences. They're witty, dry and intelligently funny in a subtle way. It gives the piece such a good tone towards the end of this chapter that just isn't there at the beginning. The first few paragraphs just seemed too simple compared with the rest of it. I'm not suggesting every sentence has to be witty, because it's not a comedy piece. But spreading them out every now and then throughout the beginning would improve this chapter greatly in my eyes.

All in all, it was a good way to carry on. There's nothing particularly wrong with it; I just think there could be some more right with it Very Happy

Josh
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PostPosted: Fri May 09, 2008 1:50 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm sorry this took me so long!


Ok now onto the story. It was rather good!

Quote:
Time left in Arnold’s life: 10 days, 23 hours, and roughly 44 minutes.


I liked this bit a lot, simply because giving it a time frame like that really showed the readers how terrified the character is. To be thinking about something so in depth to have a specific time you have to really be worried.

Quote:
It’s a shame I killed him—now who will I call for tech support?


I love this part! So sadistic! As every good antagonist should be! (in my view) I love how this sounds like he has not a care in the world about murder. I find it interesting.


Quote:
Outside his window, a lone, dark figure spied on him. But no one would ever know


This threw me off a little, things had been quite origional until this point. Then all of the sudden there is a line heard quite often. I mean "lone dark figure"? I know you can do better than that!

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This thread was created on April 22, 2008

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