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yoha_ahoy
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 Posted: Tue Apr 22, 2008 1:19 am Post subject: Circus Pirates 7 |
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*continued from Part 6!*
Circus Pirates - Part 7
The doors opened outside and a small boy came in carrying a silver platter with a large glazed hunk of meat sitting on it. The boy walked behind me and over to Henry, where he set it on the table in front of him.
“Ahhh, roast duck,” Henry said. I watched the men around the table as their eyes turned ravenous at the sight of the bird on the table.
“It’s our last one, sir,” the boy said before bowing out and leaving the room.
“Well, then, a toast!” Henry said, passing a curious pitcher around the table. Angie passed it to Tré, skipping me. Tré filled my mug for me anyways and passed it on.
“To our last meal of land fowl, and to a fair journey ahead!”
“Aye, aye!” was the agreed consensus that rose from the table. Everyone lifted up their glass and chugged the drink. I took my mug and peered at the liquid inside. I wrinkled my nose. It was hardly a liquid. It was more like the consistency of brown oatmeal. I took a gulp anyways. No guts, no glory, I told myself.
I retched forward in my seat, nearly spitting the contents of my mouth on Andrew. I swallowed quickly before I could do any damage. Tré noticed me and put a hand on my shoulder, pulling me back up.
“You a’right there, girl?” He must’ve seen the wild, desperate look in my eyes. He laughed. “Is that your first taste of grog?” he laughed and quickly toned it down, seeing my pleading look. No one else had noticed me yet. They were all discussing the journey they had just embarked on.
The grog must have made it to my system now because there was a somewhat pleasant buzzing in my head. It was an odd sensation though. I stopped trying to listen to what anyone was saying and tried to get a grip on myself. I started feeling warm, and I pushed my sleeves up to my elbows.
“So where did you come from?” I heard the crystal voice asking me. I looked up and saw Andrew looking at me expectantly.
“What?” I asked, still letting my brain sort out my thoughts.
“You know, we’re all from Hanson’s Circus,” Henry said. “We’re curious to know where you come from.”
I looked at Angie. She looked concerned.
“You don’t have to-“
“No, I want you all to know,” I said, interrupting her. I thought of my situation and gathered my thoughts, staring at the content of my mug. I took a gulp of my grog and began.
I told them of my father leaving after my eldest brother died. I told them of my mother raising me and James, and then her death. Then I told them of James’s abuse of me. At some point, Landon ended up in my lap with me rubbing his belly.
I started giggling. I picked up my mug to drink from it, and to my dismay, it was completely empty. Everyone else stared at me, somewhat shocked from my story.
Then Tré started laughing. “Girl, you can’t hold your liquor,” he said taking my mg from my hands and placing it on his other side, away from me. I giggled again, everyone else lightened, and the conversation began again.
The conversation lagged for a little while as all the men dug into the main course, which was being served now. I don’t quite remember what everything tasted like, but it must have been good because I cleaned my plate and even found myself behaving in such slovenly manners as to lick the gravy from my plate. Tré politely handed me another napkin for the mess I made. I giggled again.
Andrew didn’t seem to pay too much attention to me, but I was beginning to realize I was slightly drunk now. Well, maybe a lot drunk, but still. I thought that this was my chance and I began openly flirting with him, and surprisingly, he back with me. It was delightful and it only threw me into more fits of giggles.
“So, do you enjoy the ship’s life thus far?” Andrew asked me, leaning over the table in his slight drunkenness.
“Um, I’ll let you know when I’ve been here for more than eighteen hours,” I giggled.
“Well,” he said. “How ‘bouts I take you ‘round the ship and show you the stars? Bring your dessert!” A small cakey thing with a bit of chocolate was placed in front of me by the cabin boy.
“Okay,” I drawled. I picked up my plate and stumbled out of my chair, my foot catching on the leg of Angie’s. I tripped and braced myself against the wall, using it to hold myself up. I giggled more as the room danced in front of me.
Andrew walked around the table, steadier than I was and he led me by the arm out of the room, and out onto the ship’s deck, bringing his own dessert and fork.
*Part 8 is here!* |
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Last edited by yoha_ahoy on Sun Apr 27, 2008 5:58 pm; edited 2 times in total |
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JabberHut
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| Posted: Tue Apr 22, 2008 1:32 am Post subject: |
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Yippee! *huggles*
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| The doors opened outside, and a small boy came in carrying a silver platter with a large glazed hunk of meat sitting on it. |
| Quote: |
| “Girl, you can’t hold your liquor,” he said taking my mug from my hands and placing it on his other side, away from me. |
| Quote: |
| I giggled again, everyone else lightened, and the conversation began again. |
Hmm... 
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| Andrew walked around the table, steadier than I was, and he led me by the arm out of the room, [no comma] and out onto the ship’s deck, bringing his own dessert and fork. |
Aww, you stopped it.  At least you posted this. I was more than anxious. This is amazing. Yes, it's a skeleton, but an amazing one. I can't wait 'til you go back and put some more meat on its bones! Haha, yay! ^^
Hurry with the next part!
Or.. I guess I can't rush amazingness.
Jabber, the One and Only! |
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kitty15
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| Posted: Tue Apr 22, 2008 9:50 pm Post subject: |
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The grog must have made it to my system now because there was a somewhat pleasant buzzing in my head. [Both tense and phrasing of this sentence are a touch awkward, plus it's more telling than showing. I'd suggest 'A somewhat pleasant buzzing sound developed in my head.' or something equally simple. Or add more description. But you don't need to tell the reader the cause. It's obvious.]
I giggled again, everyone else lightened, and the conversation began again resumed.
The conversation lagged for a little while as all the men dug into the main course, which was being had been served now. [Be careful with your tense. You have a tendancy to use 'now' and when you do so, you often lapse into present tense so try to avoid that.]
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This is a good chapter. I found that it was lacking in description a touch but the interaction was good and I'm really loving Tre! Also, the drunken behaviour was quite amusing and I'd imagine her trouble walking will be further exagerated considering that they're on a ship. Should make for an interesting scene. And with Andrew too!
I think my main piece of advice for this chapter is to build the atmosphere and show rather than tell. Instead of saying she told them her past story, write the diallogue for it. it doesn't have to be incredibly long. She's had a few drinks so she'll not ramble on forever and ever and it would give you an opportunity to show her words a little slowed and jumbled and to build that atmosphere.
In general, good work! A little short but developing well.
Heather xx |
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Rei
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| Posted: Thu Apr 24, 2008 11:05 pm Post subject: |
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| The grog must have made it to my system now because there was a somewhat pleasant buzzing in my head. |
I don't think they would use a term like system in this context. She would probably say something like "The grog must have been effecting me, because there was a pleasant buzzing in my head."
The story is developing well, but kitty is right. You need so much more detail. Have all the events you summerize play out. I think it would be a lot of fun. |
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JFW1415
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| Posted: Sun May 04, 2008 1:48 am Post subject: |
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Yet another one. 
Paragraph Edits
| Quote: |
| “Ahhh, roast duck,” Henry said. I watched the men around the table as their eyes turned ravenous at the sight of the bird on the table. |
One duck for all those men? Please, my brother and one of his friends (17 years old ) could finish that, easily!
| Quote: |
| “Aye, aye!” was the agreed consensus that rose from the table. Everyone lifted up their glass and chugged the drink. I took my mug and peered at the liquid inside. I wrinkled my nose. It was hardly a liquid. It was more like the consistency of brown oatmeal. I took a gulp anyways. No guts, no glory, I told myself. |
Italicize thoughts.
| Quote: |
| “You a’right there, girl?” He must’ve seen the wild, desperate look in my eyes. He laughed. “Is that your first taste of grog?” he laughed and quickly toned it down, seeing my pleading look. No one else had noticed me yet. They were all discussing the journey they had just embarked on. |
Aw! That could have been so much fun with Andrew! You should show his reaction. ;P
| Quote: |
| The grog must have made it to my system now because there was a somewhat pleasant buzzing in my head. It was an odd sensation though. I stopped trying to listen to what anyone was saying and tried to get a grip on myself. I started feeling warm, and I pushed my sleeves up to my elbows. |
That quickly?
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“You know, we’re all from Hanson’s Circus,” Henry said. “We’re curious to know where you come from.” |
| Quote: |
| “No, I want you all to know,” I said, interrupting her. I thought of my situation and gathered my thoughts, staring at the content of my mug. I took a gulp of my grog and began. |
Does she gag? She wouldn’t get used to it so quickly.
| Quote: |
| I told them of my father leaving after my eldest brother died. I told them of my mother raising me and James, and then her death. Then I told them of James’s abuse of me. At some point, Landon ended up in my lap with me rubbing his belly. |
Watch your sentence structure.
| Quote: |
| Then Tré started laughing. “Girl, you can’t hold your liquor,” he said taking my mug from my hands and placing it on his other side, away from me. I giggled again, everyone else lightened, and the conversation began again. |
| Quote: |
| Andrew didn’t seem to pay too much attention to me, but I was beginning to realize I was slightly drunk now. Well, maybe a lot drunk, but still. I thought that this was my chance and I began openly flirting with him, and surprisingly, he flirted back with me. It was delightful and it only threw me into more fits of giggles. |
| Quote: |
Andrew walked around the table, steadier than I was and he led me by the arm out of the room, and out onto the ship’s deck, bringing his own dessert and fork. |
Overall Comments
I think you're a bit afraid of posting long pieces.
Don't be! Sure, you'll have to bug people to critique it, but we will.
Don't just summarize what’s happening. Let us see it! Expand on the flirting, on her telling them her life story. Let us experience it – that’s the fun of reading/writing, isn’t it?
And remember that you’re writing in first person. You can connect with Iza so much! Get close. Let us see the world through her eyes. What’s the room look like to her? Strange? Loud? What’s being drunk feel like? Has she experienced it before? What’s talking to Andrew like?
Also, watch the way you end your parts. This one is good, but I don’t like a lot of them, and not just because they’re cliffhangers.
Oh, and a good note: I love your dialogue.
PM me for anything!
~JFW1415 |
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