Topic ID: 29192
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Summerless
Senior Writer

 Gender:  Age: 28 Joined: 16 Apr 2008 Posts: 179 Reviews: 132 Country: United States 300 Points
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Posted: Mon Apr 21, 2008 11:52 pm Post subject: Dawning |
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Crisp, the rising, is the suppressed sol,
Bind seasons' promises compelled you to keep,
Laugh, cerise lips, on the jade knoll,
Slow over the fruitless, undulance of sleep.
Beguile the loveless, the lifeless, the ruthless;
Enchant the land euphoric and serene.
Shy away Snow of Winter for Day is endless,
Allure the unknowing with beauty of green.
Regret not losses in apples of our lives,
Bury not truths you find as lies rotten;
Existence flows, still breathes, still thrives,
For time is waning, dwindling, forgotten.
I can hear the meek cry of longing;
Footsteps I know of Summer running.
** Note: For those of you who do not know what a sonnet it, a sonnet is a poem that has fourteen lines.
The rhyme scheme is A, B, A, B, C, D, C, D, E, F, E, F, G, G, so lines one and three, two and four, etc, and lines thirteen and fourteen should rhyme. |
_________________ Beguile the loveless, the lifeless, the ruthless;
Shy away Snow of Winter for Day is endless.
Last edited by Summerless on Sun Apr 27, 2008 4:59 am; edited 2 times in total |
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deafwriter_19
feels bad for beating up his avatar Novelist

 Gender:  Age: 14 Joined: 11 Apr 2008 Posts: 353 Reviews: 110 Country: The Lacrymosa of A Deaf Teenager's Mind 397 Points
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Posted: Mon Apr 21, 2008 11:57 pm Post subject: |
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| This is a marvelous sonnet. I loved the topic, but I think some words can be moved around because honestly I had this image in my head of Yoda reading your poem. I think it needs some reaggranging--but that's just me. I loved the imagery. SO vivid! Great for a first attempt at poetry! |
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LucidDreamerLost
Junior Writer

 Gender:  Age: 21 Joined: 19 Nov 2006 Posts: 16 Reviews: 12
300 Points
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Posted: Wed Apr 23, 2008 5:12 pm Post subject: |
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wow, awesome. Real good words, real good feeling. I like it.
"Laugh, cerise lips, on the jade knoll,
Slow over the fruitless, undulance of sleep.
Beguile the loveless, the lifeless, the ruthless;
Enchance the land euphoric and serene.
Shy away Snow of Winter for Day is endless,
Allure the unknowing with beauty of green."
fantastic. |
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yoha_ahoy
yoyo Speaker of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 18 Joined: 28 Aug 2005 Posts: 932 Reviews: 379 Country: living through my third eye 319 Points
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Posted: Wed Apr 23, 2008 6:54 pm Post subject: |
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sol = soul?
undulance = fantastic word there! I love it.
Great poem! Your rhyming is wonderful. I'm a little picky when I say the ending couplet could be a closer rhyme. I'm not satisfied with just an "-ing," maybe "-oning," but whatever. Great first attempt! My first sonnet was certainly worse: A Sonnet to My Moose
Keep writing!
~Yoyo  |
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isurelyluvu
New Member
Gender:  Age: 13 Joined: 24 Apr 2008 Posts: 3 Reviews: 3
300 Points
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Posted: Thu Apr 24, 2008 10:47 pm Post subject: |
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This is a great sonnet. Such beautiful language! I loved it!
The last two lines different really rhyme though.
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Flame11
Junior Writer

 Gender:  Age: 15 Joined: 11 Apr 2008 Posts: 48 Reviews: 35 Country: USA 300 Points
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Posted: Wed Apr 30, 2008 12:35 am Post subject: |
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I like this! I'm not a very big fan of poetry but oh well. I still liked this. And i agree with deafwriter_19... I did have this image of Yoda when i read it. But otherwise, beautiful!
Alex |
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sweetcapris
Junior Writer

 Gender:  Age: 19 Joined: 26 Apr 2008 Posts: 31 Reviews: 25 Country: United States 300 Points
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Posted: Wed Apr 30, 2008 5:07 am Post subject: |
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I agree. Some very elegant words here; they construct the tone of the poem and compliment its topic very nicely.
I hate to be a stickler, and I know a few people have mentioned it already, but last impressions are just as important as first impressions... that said, maybe search for a better rhyme for the end couplet-- it's the couplet that brings the whole sonnet together, it's got to be strong!
Anyway, I know how difficult it is to write sonnets and I think yours is pretty dern awesome. keep it up!
s |
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oneeyedunicornhunter
Senior Writer

 Gender:  Age: 15 Joined: 21 Mar 2008 Posts: 121 Reviews: 76
333 Points
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Posted: Wed Apr 30, 2008 8:30 pm Post subject: |
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haven't attempted a sonnet in at least a year...very hard.
you're rhyming wasn't perfect, but that's really in my opinion the least important part of a poem. just part of the structure stuff we all have to deal with.
the most important for me is the meaning of the words you put down, and no complaints there.
good job! |
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bkwrm
Writer

 Gender:  Age: 15 Joined: 07 Mar 2007 Posts: 96 Reviews: 78 Country: England 300 Points
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Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 5:03 pm Post subject: |
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The rhyming isn'y great, but wow! What a fantastic way you have with words. Gold star for you
Keep writing,
Bkwrm |
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SeptemberRain
Novice

Gender:  Age: 13 Joined: 14 Apr 2008 Posts: 14 Reviews: 3
300 Points
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Posted: Tue May 06, 2008 7:10 pm Post subject: |
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This is really good! I've always tried writing poems that rhymed, but they never turn out that well. What I liked best about your poem is that the words are very pretty and vivid.
Good job!! |
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Gahks
Tsar of the Subjunctive Speaker of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 16 Joined: 25 Jan 2008 Posts: 720 Reviews: 119 Country: Wherever I happen to be. 428 Points
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Posted: Wed May 07, 2008 8:58 am Post subject: |
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I chose your poem for my 50th review; what a poem! Really well done.
Your language is fluent, eloquent and perfectly captures the speaker's sense of longing (or that's how I interpreted it anyway).
The only thing I'd say is that the rhythm in the line "Shy away Snow..." doesn't quite work; if you could clear this up this would be much appreciated.
Your work shows exceeding promise; your choice of words is excellent! I'm feeling all romantic now... hehe.
I look forward to seeing more of your work. Well done once again. 9/10
Gahks
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Demeter
Five stars! Speaker of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 15 Joined: 02 May 2008 Posts: 737 Reviews: 252 Country: Finland 2665 Points
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Posted: Wed May 07, 2008 12:35 pm Post subject: |
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Wow, this made me want to write sonnets! Great vocabulary you've got there! And rhyming worked, too.
It's true about that Yoda thing... i had to laugh when I saw deafwriter_19 saying that. But that's mainly in the very last line. And it's not too bad.
Thanks for telling what's a sonnet, I had always wondered that. So extra points for that and a golden star.
Wishing for more sonnets by you,
Demeter |
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Leahweird
Senior Writer

 Gender:  Age: 19 Joined: 25 Apr 2008 Posts: 108 Reviews: 20 Country: Canada 300 Points
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Posted: Wed May 07, 2008 1:04 pm Post subject: |
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I was reading, and thinking "Well this is oddly written." I enjoyed it immensely, but I got to then end and had an epiphany. "Oh! It's a sonnet!." I feel dumb for not realizing it sooner. It's very well down. I actually really liked the rhyming, but for the most part I agree with the other reviewers. Vocabulary! Hazah!
My own notes include some possible typos in the first stanza, and this line
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| Laugh, cerise lips, on the jade knoll, |
I don't think Cerise is the word you're looking for. I think there are better, two syllable words for a red stone out there. I can see your intent, and I like it, but my personal sense of phrase balks at that word.
Otherwise, fantastically written. That's hard to do with this type of poetry. Congratulations for pulling it off. |
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Adnamarine
My name is Jonas Speaker of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 16 Joined: 12 Jan 2007 Posts: 575 Reviews: 118 Country: What are you, my stalker? 972 Points
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Posted: Wed May 07, 2008 5:46 pm Post subject: |
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This was beautiful! I adored it!
I love the language you used in this; it was lovely, and perfect, and unique. I loved 'undulance' and 'cerise' especially:)
"Slow over the fruitless, undulance of sleep." I'd take out the comma between fruitless and undulance. Fruitless is describing undulance, right?
"...is the suppressed sol," Sol=soul?
Yes, quite fantasmic, and definitely worthy of another star:) *stars*
*adna* |
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Last edited by Adnamarine on Sat May 10, 2008 3:21 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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LunaBuna43
(oT..To) Epic Novelist

 Gender:  Age: 12 Joined: 27 Jan 2008 Posts: 2556 Reviews: 63 Country: In Granola Bar Land, eating all the s'mores 300 Points
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Posted: Thu May 08, 2008 1:36 am Post subject: |
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Wow...
Just wow...
That was...wow
Hehe that was very good!
I really like it! Awesome!
Great! Amazing even!
~Lulu |
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