Topic ID: 29191
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NewWriter
Senior Writer
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Age: 16
Joined: 10 Dec 2007
Posts: 136
Reviews: 21
Country: Inside my Tamora Pierce books
331 Points
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 Posted: Mon Apr 21, 2008 11:41 pm Post subject: I am Legend |
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**something I wrote in English one day when I was bored. I'm pretty sure there's no punctuation missing.**
I am sometimes fact, often not
sometimes truth mixed with myth
I live on when those who
gave me birth are gone
I am Paul Bunyan and Babe the Blue Ox,
Davy Crockett and Annie Oakley,
Johnny Appleseed
I am the stories told around the fire,
when the children ought to be in bed
I am an explanation of the Great Lakes,
the Grand Canyon, why the birch has stripes,
and the quaking of the aspen
I am the inspiration for
many a painting,
many a film,
many a song
I provide the opportunity to build castles in the air,
whether you are a child or an adult;
to imagine what the world could have been like
if...
tall tales were true
I am a child of the marriage between
Truth and Fantasy
I will exist as long as
there are storytellers and storylisteners
I am glorious
I am eternal
I am Legend
Thoughts? I am considering submitting this to my school magazine. Blah. It'll probably get ignored, like everything I post. |
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I will be gone from June 16th through July 2nd and will have no internet access. How will I ever survive without YWS? **sobs** |
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Ailam Remard
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Posts: 51
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Country: Fa Fa Away.....
228 Points
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| Posted: Tue Apr 22, 2008 1:32 am Post subject: |
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| Waz that posed to be about the movie I Am Legand? It was good but that sorta ripped off the title, for you, cuz people might read it expecting something else. |
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NewWriter
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 10 Dec 2007
Posts: 136
Reviews: 21
Country: Inside my Tamora Pierce books
331 Points
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| Posted: Fri Apr 25, 2008 1:19 am Post subject: |
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| I said it had nothing to do with the movie in the subtitle. |
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98% of teenagers do or have tried smoking pot. If you're one of the 2% who hasn't, copy & paste this in your signature.
I will be gone from June 16th through July 2nd and will have no internet access. How will I ever survive without YWS? **sobs** |
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RandomGrrl
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Joined: 02 Apr 2008
Posts: 77
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Country: Wherever the Cheese, thus shall I follow.
488 Points
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| Posted: Fri Apr 25, 2008 2:06 am Post subject: |
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| I liked this, the idea behind it, however, I would request a little more rhythm. If it isn't meant to have rhythm, then, hey, way to go for stepping outside the box. I love that you have "I am" at the beginning of everything. Nice work! |
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Kalliope
Senior Writer
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Posts: 205
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Country: somewhere between heaven and hell
1326 Points
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| Posted: Tue May 06, 2008 1:39 pm Post subject: |
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Hey New Writer!
Don't be upset if you don't get so many critiques. You can always ask for some help in the Will review for food section or in the chat room. Plus critiquing other peoples works yourself will help you, 'cause a lot of members are willing to look at your work if you give them a good feedback. Plus, hey I'm reviewing 
I liked the general idea of this. Having you define legend throughout your poem is a really cute idea. I do have a few issues though:
Title
Using the same title as a famous other work, as you have noticed, causes confusion. Plus in this case it kind of gives away what your poem is about. Let the reader find out himself instead of giving it away by using the last line for the title. Makes it much more exciting for the reader.
Rythm
This is my biggest concern about this piece. In some places you seem to have a little bit of a meter, but then you just break out of it and it doesn't flow.
To fix this read your poem aloud and mark the places where you stumble or the flow doesn't sound right. Then think of a way to make it work. Does a line need to be longer, shorter? If you can't do it by yourself have someone else read it aloud and ask the person about it.
I think you could make your poem work quite nicely.
Don't get disheartened if your work gets turned down. We all can improve and I'd say every published writer has been turned down sometime. Just keep trying 
All the best,
~Kalliope |
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J.C. Belding
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Posts: 64
Reviews: 47
Country: United States
300 Points
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| Posted: Thu May 08, 2008 2:57 am Post subject: |
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| I liked your ideas, and your title, but it could have been written in a more rythmic and poetic way. Using rhymes would work nicely, for example. On a good note; I liked your last staza. You should definetly keep it. This probably has a good chance of getting in your school newspaper as is, but with a few edits, it's a definite. Good luck! |
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