Topic ID: 29171
|
View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
ink_on_fire
Senior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 17
Joined: 09 Apr 2008
Posts: 179
Reviews: 84
Country: Australia
300 Points
|
 Posted: Mon Apr 21, 2008 10:22 am Post subject: Lost in Freedom |
 |
|
Dance!
with all your pent-up energy and laugh.
Release!
the pain that no one knows is there and smile.
Rejoice!
bathe in the sun’s rays and feel its warmth on your face.
Baby, there is but one life
and I pray you will
see the stars in our day sky.
Dance!
with all the love you feel inside and laugh.
Release!
these thoughts that are held close and smile.
Rejoice!
turn and run under the sky’s face and be in it’s embrace.
Baby, there is but chance to live
and I pray you will
see the jewels of this world, there and beneath. |
_________________
Smile - ur alive
Last edited by ink_on_fire on Tue May 13, 2008 4:28 am; edited 2 times in total |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
Vernon
Always shall Love Elizabeth his Beautiful Goddess
Epic Novelist
Gender: 
Age: 18
Joined: 09 May 2005
Posts: 3825
Reviews: 647
Country: Building a bridge to Elizabeth's heart and guiding her to mines.
300 Points
|
| Posted: Mon Apr 21, 2008 3:32 pm Post subject: Re: Lost in Freedom |
|
|
| ink_on_fire wrote: |
Dance!
with all your pent-up energy and laugh.
Release!
the pain that no one knows is there and smile.
Rejoice!
bathe in the sun’s rays and feel it’s warmth on your face.
Baby, there is but one life
and I pray you will
see the stars in our day sky.
Dance!
with all the love you feel inside and laugh.
Release!
these thoughts that are held close and smile.
Rejoice!
turn and run under the sky’s face and be in it’s embrace.
Baby, there is but chance to live
and I pray you will
see the jewels of this world, there and beneath. |
Wow Elsie some decent poetry today. I've not much to say it's it's in quote. It would be better split up like that, structually. Overall: A intriqueing and rather original work. It earned a star from me. 
----------------
Listening to: Amber Pacific - Everything We Were Has Become
via FoxyTunes |
_________________
We get off to the rhythm of the trigger and destruction. Fallujah to New Orleans with impunity to kill. We are the hidden fist of the free market.
We are the ink, we are the quill.
[The Ink And The Quill (Be Afraid) - Anti-Flag] |
|
| Back to top |
|
bkwrm
Writer
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 07 Mar 2007
Posts: 96
Reviews: 78
Country: England
300 Points
|
| Posted: Mon Apr 21, 2008 6:04 pm Post subject: |
|
|
I don't get the title... maybe that's just me though.
Anyway it's a great piece, but I do agree that splitting it up would work better. Also, I've always been taught that its as in belonging to it has no apostrophe. So it should read
'bathe in the sun’s rays and feel its warmth on your face.'
And do you mean 'there is but one chance to live'?
I love it so a star from me as well. Keep writing,
Bkwrm  |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
TL G-Wooster
dear boy, do I LOOK like a military objective?
Epic Novelist
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 07 Feb 2007
Posts: 3513
Reviews: 814
Country: in Bavaria where the sheep seldom wear spectacles
284 Points
|
| Posted: Mon Apr 21, 2008 9:58 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Very neat... and dramatic. ^_^ I can imagine this as a song with a very strong beat that I'd play over and over.
Yes, that means I like it.   |
_________________
C: Will you be all right?
H: As a dear friend of mine once said, 'Do I look like a military objective?'
C: What happened to your friend?
H: Somebody shot him. |
|
| Back to top |
|
Summerless
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 28
Joined: 16 Apr 2008
Posts: 187
Reviews: 136
Country: United States
300 Points
|
| Posted: Mon Apr 21, 2008 11:29 pm Post subject: |
|
|
I love the style. It's quite creative and you keep the same style through out, which is good.
I only have one critique. In line four you have "the pain that no one knows is there and smile" written. I like the overall idea of it, but maybe you might want to pick a better word than "pain."
I think "anguish" is a good replacement, and I also think you should take away the "that."
So something along the lines of...
| Quote: |
| the anguish no one knows is there and smile. |
As for the rest, great job, ink_on_fire. Way to go :] |
_________________
Beguile the loveless, the lifeless, the ruthless;
Shy away Snow of Winter for Day is endless. |
|
| Back to top |
|
Livinginfantasy
200% Delicious
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 19 Mar 2008
Posts: 363
Reviews: 162
Country: Fantasy... DUH
922 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Apr 22, 2008 12:31 am Post subject: I likey! |
|
|
Very nice. I think the title fits very well with the piece, Also, your emotion and personification are very well done.
My only problem is that your secod stanza sounds very much like the first one. I had to skim through the first one really quick to clarify I wasn't reading the same thing. Just my opinion, but i think you should've rephrased the second stanza, just so they don't sound too similar.
Ahh, another great piece. Thanks for sharing. Shall I look for more? |
_________________
"Time is a great teacher.
Unfortunately, it kills all its pupils..." |
|
| Back to top |
|
ink_on_fire
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 17
Joined: 09 Apr 2008
Posts: 179
Reviews: 84
Country: Australia
300 Points
|
| Posted: Wed Apr 23, 2008 2:49 am Post subject: |
|
|
Wow, guys. Thanks for the crits.
I'll touch it up
Peace 
Inky |
_________________
Smile - ur alive |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
