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Auburn Queen chapter 1 and 2
Auburn Queen chapter 1 and 2

by formertywcwriter in Fantasy Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Narrative Poetry

This thread was created on May 15, 2005
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the tears that fall- the perfection of a woman in love Goto page 1, 2  Next

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PostPosted: Mon May 16, 2005 2:44 am    Post subject: the tears that fall- the perfection of a woman in love Reply with quote

she walks in the beauty of the sun,

bare feet padding softly on the cool dirt 

fingers skimming the tops of the tall grass



her laughter floats over the field

and the clouds smile down on her

holding back their inevitable rain



she twirls

happier than the most jubilant of children

displaying a smile that refuses to depart



her hair shining as it falls 

eyes sparkling like the stars to come: 

the perfection of a woman in love



the storm

comes softly on horseback

unexpected



she turns, the smile fading

the news comes by way of a young man:

a boy much like the one she is losing



“he fought bravely” is all she hears

before falling to the ground

her fist clenched as she beats her breast



the sky is now dark

she hears thunder and sees the flash of jagged lightening 

in the sky that before was joyful with her



now her tears fall

unnoticed 

onto that same cool dirt that before she tread in anticipation

and now sobs on in pain



the message-bearers are gone

and she is alone, face tearstained

pain easily visible on her angelic face:

the agony of a woman who has lost everything

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Last edited by Areida on Sat May 21, 2005 7:00 am; edited 2 times in total
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PostPosted: Mon May 16, 2005 3:31 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

For some reason when I read this poem, I thought about the Civil War...I have noooo idea why...

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PostPosted: Mon May 16, 2005 9:16 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

*shrugs* I kind of left the time period open to interpretation. Sometimes it's more fun when things are left to the imagination, rather than having everything spoon-fed. Thanks for reading, though, Chev. You're an awesome poet. I'm horrible at it, but recently I've come to enjoy it more Very Happy

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PostPosted: Tue May 17, 2005 4:46 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

so areida, I feel that this poem needs a proper crit. from me, so I am working on one. I'll have it the earliest tomorrow morning.

so far from just reading it over I really like it.

CL

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PostPosted: Tue May 17, 2005 3:13 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

This was one of those poems that is actually pretty cliched and basic - laying up something good only for it to fail - but which was written in such a "nice" way that I couldn't help but like it.

I didn't think this stanza:

Quote:
the storm
comes softly on horseback
unexpected


was darmatic enough for the effect you seemed to have in mind. This is supposed to be one of the turning points in the poem but is actually in fact one of the weakest parts.

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PostPosted: Tue May 17, 2005 5:13 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Um...Im not much of a crit, esspecially when it comes to poems, but I liked it. A bit spit n shine here and there and it will be great. Reminds me of macedonian folk songs. Many of them have similar concepts

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PostPosted: Wed May 18, 2005 2:21 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

CL-- Wow... that sounds like my poem's about to be ripped to shreds...LOL... but go right ahead. I'm definitely no poet, so if you're willing to help I'll take any and all constructive criticism.

Jack-- Haha, made you like it! Wink Hmm...I'll have to rethink that line. It's not my favourite either.

Arvy-- Thank thee. *curtseys*

Thanks for reading, everyone.

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PostPosted: Wed May 18, 2005 2:26 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I love it. It's absolutely beautiful!

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PostPosted: Sat May 21, 2005 6:57 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hehe...thanks Crysi. Very Happy

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PostPosted: Sun May 22, 2005 12:41 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

"now her tears fall
unnoticed "

The unnoticed was kind of weird.. I don't know, it didn't seem necessary to me.
The poem was really nicely written and I liked it. The beginning reminded me of your avatar...
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PostPosted: Sun May 22, 2005 10:46 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

heres my present...I hope it's legible enough.

CL




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PostPosted: Thu Jun 02, 2005 2:22 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

How sad! Beautiful images at the beginning, and it all flowed very smoothly to it's conclusion.

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PostPosted: Fri Jun 03, 2005 1:24 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

A beautiful poem! I really enjoyed reading it.
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PostPosted: Fri Jun 03, 2005 3:43 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

*before reading was prepared to give seventeen-paragraph-long harsh critique about how horrible the poem was, but jaw now rests on floor in shock*

Well done, Ari!

(if I may call you that teehee)

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PostPosted: Fri Jun 03, 2005 3:50 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

OOOH!

I finally get the title!

*slaps forehead*

Ahh, my interpretation:

guy likes girl (before poem starts)>love hides all flaws, o'course>another guy comes on horseback, apparently very loudly and windy (couldn't resist)...and...maybe his twin brother? that came 58% out of nowhere, but bear with me>windy guy tells pretty girl that her...boyfriend, i guess...is dead>girl is sad

Now that I look at it...it's very black and white. I think it could be better (Jack) if you made it more complex, more different, instead of your cut-and-dried generic wartime love story. Add some more flesh to it. You don't need more detail, you have that down pat, but you need more of a story. You can keep the abstract flow, but I think you need more interest.

I know...ADD SOME PARMESAN CHEESE! EVERYBODY LOVES PARMESAN CHEESE!

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