Topic ID: 2904
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Areida
The Warrior Princess Ari Epic Novelist

 Gender:  Age: 19 Joined: 14 Feb 2005 Posts: 4831 Reviews: 698 Country: no, not really. I don't have a hick accent or anything. 318 Points
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Posted: Mon May 16, 2005 2:44 am Post subject: the tears that fall- the perfection of a woman in love |
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she walks in the beauty of the sun,
bare feet padding softly on the cool dirt
fingers skimming the tops of the tall grass
her laughter floats over the field
and the clouds smile down on her
holding back their inevitable rain
she twirls
happier than the most jubilant of children
displaying a smile that refuses to depart
her hair shining as it falls
eyes sparkling like the stars to come:
the perfection of a woman in love
the storm
comes softly on horseback
unexpected
she turns, the smile fading
the news comes by way of a young man:
a boy much like the one she is losing
“he fought bravely” is all she hears
before falling to the ground
her fist clenched as she beats her breast
the sky is now dark
she hears thunder and sees the flash of jagged lightening
in the sky that before was joyful with her
now her tears fall
unnoticed
onto that same cool dirt that before she tread in anticipation
and now sobs on in pain
the message-bearers are gone
and she is alone, face tearstained
pain easily visible on her angelic face:
the agony of a woman who has lost everything |
_________________ Got YWS?
"Most of us have far more courage than we ever dreamed we possessed."
- Dale Carnegie
Last edited by Areida on Sat May 21, 2005 7:00 am; edited 2 times in total |
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Chevy
science, again. Master of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 18 Joined: 21 Nov 2004 Posts: 1613 Reviews: 660 Country: It's Complicated. 300 Points
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Posted: Mon May 16, 2005 3:31 pm Post subject: |
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| For some reason when I read this poem, I thought about the Civil War...I have noooo idea why... |
_________________ "I could not escape a feeling that this was my own funeral, and you do not cry in that case."
- A Seperate Peace (John Knowles) |
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Areida
The Warrior Princess Ari Epic Novelist

 Gender:  Age: 19 Joined: 14 Feb 2005 Posts: 4831 Reviews: 698 Country: no, not really. I don't have a hick accent or anything. 318 Points
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Posted: Mon May 16, 2005 9:16 pm Post subject: |
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*shrugs* I kind of left the time period open to interpretation. Sometimes it's more fun when things are left to the imagination, rather than having everything spoon-fed. Thanks for reading, though, Chev. You're an awesome poet. I'm horrible at it, but recently I've come to enjoy it more  |
_________________ Got YWS?
"Most of us have far more courage than we ever dreamed we possessed."
- Dale Carnegie |
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Caligula's Launderette
the extemp queen Master of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 21 Joined: 13 Apr 2005 Posts: 2328 Reviews: 498 Country: how should I know, I don't even know where my socks are half the time? 300 Points
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Posted: Tue May 17, 2005 4:46 am Post subject: |
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so areida, I feel that this poem needs a proper crit. from me, so I am working on one. I'll have it the earliest tomorrow morning.
so far from just reading it over I really like it.
CL |
_________________ Fraser: Stop stealing the blanket.
[Diefenbaker whines]
Fraser: You're an Arctic Wolf, for God's sake.
Got YWS? |
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Firestarter
rear-admiral of the RED Site Admin

 Gender:  Age: 20 Joined: 19 Nov 2004 Posts: 6291 Reviews: 986 Country: Albion 300 Points
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Posted: Tue May 17, 2005 3:13 pm Post subject: |
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This was one of those poems that is actually pretty cliched and basic - laying up something good only for it to fail - but which was written in such a "nice" way that I couldn't help but like it.
I didn't think this stanza:
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the storm
comes softly on horseback
unexpected |
was darmatic enough for the effect you seemed to have in mind. This is supposed to be one of the turning points in the poem but is actually in fact one of the weakest parts. |
_________________ and if you promise to stay conscious
i will try and do the same
yeah, we might die from medication
but we sure killed all the pain |
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Zion
Made of Awesome Master of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 22 Joined: 02 Dec 2004 Posts: 1890 Reviews: 94 Country: Republic of Macedonia 300 Points
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Posted: Tue May 17, 2005 5:13 pm Post subject: |
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| Um...Im not much of a crit, esspecially when it comes to poems, but I liked it. A bit spit n shine here and there and it will be great. Reminds me of macedonian folk songs. Many of them have similar concepts |
_________________ Without sensibility no object would be given to us, without understanding no object would be thought. Thoughts without content are empty, intuitions without concepts are blind.
Immanuel Kant
"Critique of Pure Reason" |
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Areida
The Warrior Princess Ari Epic Novelist

 Gender:  Age: 19 Joined: 14 Feb 2005 Posts: 4831 Reviews: 698 Country: no, not really. I don't have a hick accent or anything. 318 Points
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Posted: Wed May 18, 2005 2:21 am Post subject: |
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CL-- Wow... that sounds like my poem's about to be ripped to shreds...LOL... but go right ahead. I'm definitely no poet, so if you're willing to help I'll take any and all constructive criticism.
Jack-- Haha, made you like it! Hmm...I'll have to rethink that line. It's not my favourite either.
Arvy-- Thank thee. *curtseys*
Thanks for reading, everyone. |
_________________ Got YWS?
"Most of us have far more courage than we ever dreamed we possessed."
- Dale Carnegie |
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Crysi
Cold and Fragile Epic Novelist

 Gender:  Age: 19 Joined: 16 Nov 2004 Posts: 4362 Reviews: 572 Country: California Crew, yo. 300 Points
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Posted: Wed May 18, 2005 2:26 am Post subject: |
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| I love it. It's absolutely beautiful! |
_________________ [Prokaryote] 8:00 pm: awwwww we love you too Crysis. but we hate your satanic WoW rituals |
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Areida
The Warrior Princess Ari Epic Novelist

 Gender:  Age: 19 Joined: 14 Feb 2005 Posts: 4831 Reviews: 698 Country: no, not really. I don't have a hick accent or anything. 318 Points
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Posted: Sat May 21, 2005 6:57 am Post subject: |
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Hehe...thanks Crysi.  |
_________________ Got YWS?
"Most of us have far more courage than we ever dreamed we possessed."
- Dale Carnegie |
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emotion_less
Speaker of the Forum

Age: 17 Joined: 16 Mar 2005 Posts: 626 Reviews: 332
300 Points
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Posted: Sun May 22, 2005 12:41 am Post subject: |
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"now her tears fall
unnoticed "
The unnoticed was kind of weird.. I don't know, it didn't seem necessary to me.
The poem was really nicely written and I liked it. The beginning reminded me of your avatar... |
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Caligula's Launderette
the extemp queen Master of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 21 Joined: 13 Apr 2005 Posts: 2328 Reviews: 498 Country: how should I know, I don't even know where my socks are half the time? 300 Points
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Posted: Sun May 22, 2005 10:46 pm Post subject: |
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heres my present...I hope it's legible enough.
CL
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_________________ Fraser: Stop stealing the blanket.
[Diefenbaker whines]
Fraser: You're an Arctic Wolf, for God's sake.
Got YWS? |
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Rei
E.A. Extraordinaire Epic Novelist

 Gender:  Age: 23 Joined: 01 Feb 2005 Posts: 3140 Reviews: 685 Country: Canada 300 Points
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Posted: Thu Jun 02, 2005 2:22 am Post subject: |
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| How sad! Beautiful images at the beginning, and it all flowed very smoothly to it's conclusion. |
_________________ Please, sit down before you fall down.
Belloq, "Raiders of the Lost Ark" |
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neonshorty
Junior Writer

 Gender:  Age: 17 Joined: 06 Mar 2005 Posts: 36 Reviews: 16 Country: Texas 300 Points
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Posted: Fri Jun 03, 2005 1:24 am Post subject: |
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| A beautiful poem! I really enjoyed reading it. |
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Sam
starface Epic Novelist

 Gender:  Age: 15 Joined: 12 Dec 2004 Posts: 4920 Reviews: 1251 Country: 'mreeka 446 Points
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Posted: Fri Jun 03, 2005 3:43 am Post subject: |
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*before reading was prepared to give seventeen-paragraph-long harsh critique about how horrible the poem was, but jaw now rests on floor in shock*
Well done, Ari!
(if I may call you that teehee) |
_________________ You can build a throne with bayonets, but you can't sit on it for very long.
- Boris Yeltsin |
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Sam
starface Epic Novelist

 Gender:  Age: 15 Joined: 12 Dec 2004 Posts: 4920 Reviews: 1251 Country: 'mreeka 446 Points
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Posted: Fri Jun 03, 2005 3:50 am Post subject: |
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OOOH!
I finally get the title!
*slaps forehead*
Ahh, my interpretation:
guy likes girl (before poem starts)>love hides all flaws, o'course>another guy comes on horseback, apparently very loudly and windy (couldn't resist)...and...maybe his twin brother? that came 58% out of nowhere, but bear with me>windy guy tells pretty girl that her...boyfriend, i guess...is dead>girl is sad
Now that I look at it...it's very black and white. I think it could be better (Jack) if you made it more complex, more different, instead of your cut-and-dried generic wartime love story. Add some more flesh to it. You don't need more detail, you have that down pat, but you need more of a story. You can keep the abstract flow, but I think you need more interest.
I know...ADD SOME PARMESAN CHEESE! EVERYBODY LOVES PARMESAN CHEESE! |
_________________ You can build a throne with bayonets, but you can't sit on it for very long.
- Boris Yeltsin |
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