Topic ID: 29004
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backgroundbob
Arcade King Speaker of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 20 Joined: 02 Nov 2005 Posts: 988 Reviews: 248 Country: Manchester, England 300 Points
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Posted: Fri Apr 18, 2008 3:19 am Post subject: Notes on a Plane Crash |
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I don't really have a prolific output, sadly, sometimes I think it would be nice to be able to churn out work at a rate of knots. Maybe someday. Anyway, this also includes a very badly recorded audio version: it's bad because my microphone is interfacing rather nastily with my PC at the moment, and it's included because... well, I'm not really sure why, maybe I just like the sound of my own voice or something.
Notes on a Plane Crash
the man in the window seat
We saw the sun come up beneath our wings
and heard the mourning stars, the fading lights
that trickle gently into dark.
Our head against the window-pane
we saw those sighing lights sink down,
extinguish all their fury and their fight,
for what? "They burn their lives away at night,"
he said, "they set themselves on fire for love
and dwindle, grey and widow-old
and trickle gently into dark."
We see the sea stretch out beneath our feet
and tread its carefree paths, the running waves
that stream from portside into night.
Our trembling wingtips dipping low
we feel the water's grave, it calls
like lonely sirens by their wave-washed hearths.
"Their only husbands are the dead," he says,
"they sing their salt-songs choked with guilt
and dwindling, grey and widow-old
they stream with sadness into night."
We will be rushing winds, be streaming skies
who tumble down to meet the arms of land,
the all-embracing arms of God.
The man in seat 11b,
his aching fingers holding tight with hope
will be at peace, to smell the ocean air,
to dance beneath the waves to no-one's tune.
His seatbelt chain will slip from 'round his waist,
and in his face they'll say they saw
a transformation of such grace:
a freedom born of loneliness,
the knowledge of new birth.
audio |
_________________ The Oneday Cafe
though we do not speak, we are by no means silent.
Last edited by backgroundbob on Sun Apr 20, 2008 5:42 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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Writing for love is a pas
Senior Writer

 Gender:  Age: 13 Joined: 02 Apr 2008 Posts: 223 Reviews: 75 Country: none ya (US) 197 Points
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Posted: Sun Apr 20, 2008 3:10 am Post subject: |
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I'm sorry, but this is just my opinion. Don't take offense. I though it was horrible. I couldn't catch the flow OR the rhthym.  |
_________________ Why have a heart if a heart can be broken. Thats the one thing that can never be bought again. |
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niteowl
I'm an ol' king bee, honey, Epic Novelist

 Gender:  Age: 18 Joined: 28 Nov 2004 Posts: 3896 Reviews: 363 Country: somewhere in America 300 Points
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Posted: Sun Apr 20, 2008 3:37 am Post subject: |
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I thought you did a wonderful job. I did, however, find it a bit odd that there's some lines that rhyme (lights/night/fight, waist/grace) while most of it is free verse.
Secondly, I thought there were some unnecessary punctuation marks.
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| to sing to no-one's tune |
should be "no one's".
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| will be at peace, to smell the ocean air |
Don't need this comma. It throws off your flow.
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Our trembling wingtips dipping low
we feel the water's grave, it calls
like lonely sirens by their wave-washed hearths. |
I would put a comma after "low" and change "it calls" to "calling". It's less choppy and makes the sentence not a comma splice.
Other than that, I thought you had some beautiful imagery, and I'm glad it actually made sense to me. Sometimes I read really pretty-sounding poems and at the end I'm like "What?", but you put it together very well. Great job and keep writing!  |
_________________ "You do ill if you praise, but worse if you censure, what you do not understand." Leonardo Da Vinci
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"Whoever said senior year was easier than junior year lied through their teeth" A friend of mine |
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bubblewrapped
(Mostly) Harmless Master of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 21 Joined: 25 Nov 2004 Posts: 1748 Reviews: 574 Country: New Zealand 300 Points
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Posted: Sun Apr 20, 2008 4:02 am Post subject: |
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I loved this; the rhythm fitted the theme very well and the imagery was haunting. My only real nit-picks would be the overuse of the word "trickle" in stanza 1 and the fact that I think you're missing a "his" in the 4th to last line. The final stanza had a few minior awkward moments -- you might want to smooth out the line breaks a little?
Otherwise, a beautiful poem. Your work always makes me think  |
_________________ "Life is like a box of chocolates - it is overpriced, will make you sick if you have it too quickly, and if other people see you with it, they will try to take bits of it away from you." -- I Moved Your Cheese
S.P.E.W. |
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backgroundbob
Arcade King Speaker of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 20 Joined: 02 Nov 2005 Posts: 988 Reviews: 248 Country: Manchester, England 300 Points
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Posted: Sun Apr 20, 2008 8:51 am Post subject: |
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@bubbly:
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| I think you're missing a "his" in the 4th to last line |
face/palm. Yes, I am! Cheers.
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| the overuse of the word "trickle" in stanza 1 |
Using it twice is kind of the point, dear it's the same in stanza two, it links the two sections of the verse together.
@wiggywiggywiggy:
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| to sing to no-one's tune |
should be "no one's". |
Just the difference in american/english spellings, I think: "no one, no-one and noone" are all correct.
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| Don't need this comma. It throws off your flow. |
Yes, that's originally what I thought, but if you listen to the audio file (if it's working... is it?) or read it aloud to yourself, you'll find that you naturally paused for breath there. It seems odd, but it came in on the second or third draft, and I'm pretty sure it belongs.
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| I would put a comma after "low" and change "it calls" to "calling". It's less choppy and makes the sentence not a comma splice. |
But... that would change it from having a rhythm (iambic) to having no rhythm... take another look at it:
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| our TREM-bling WING-tips DIPP-ing LOW / we FEEL the WA-ter's GRAVE, it CALLS / like LONE-ly SI-rens BY their WAVE-washed HEARTHS. |
Rhythmic! Does it make sense now?
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| I did, however, find it a bit odd that there's some lines that rhyme (lights/night/fight, waist/grace) while most of it is free verse. |
Hmm, yes, noted. I'll try and work on that one, I'm not just not so great with consistantly rhyming - I like my freedom too much!
@writingforloveisapas:
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| I'm sorry, but this is just my opinion. Don't take offense. I though it was horrible. I couldn't catch the flow OR the rhthym. |
Mhm, thank you for that entirely useless comment, do try and include something vaguely constructive in the future, yes? Also, try learning about rhythm before you comment on it: the fact that you don't understand it's written in iambic form doesn't mean it's not there. |
_________________ The Oneday Cafe
though we do not speak, we are by no means silent. |
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Ailam Remard
Writer

 Gender:  Age: 14 Joined: 09 Apr 2008 Posts: 78 Reviews: 33 Country: Fa Fa Away... 300 Points
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Posted: Thu Apr 24, 2008 12:28 am Post subject: |
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| I didn't quite get it. Like was the plane crashing, was he talking about killing himslef, or just being really depressing?? |
_________________ Buh-Bye! |
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Echolair
Writer

 Gender:  Age: 17 Joined: 16 Mar 2008 Posts: 72 Reviews: 51 Country: Sweet land of Philippines! 300 Points
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Posted: Tue Apr 29, 2008 1:05 pm Post subject: |
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At first, I thought it will be about that man by the window who'd wallow in self-pity and that anticipated tragedy but i was fairly taken aback on how seriously altruistic he has become all throughout the poem. That was breathtaking in its first recognition.
I fancy your honesty regarding loving your freedom too much in poetry?
*High five!* If you'd take some time to browse through mine, I usually free flow my way to the ending. I'd sound so style-ignorant even in two lines of my work. LOL.
Damn you again for such lovely poem.
Warning: Don't disappoint me next. All kidding aside.
<3 JACE
I Love you already....damn you again, again. |
_________________ In heaven there is only you, on earth you are all i want. -Psalms 73:25 |
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backgroundbob
Arcade King Speaker of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 20 Joined: 02 Nov 2005 Posts: 988 Reviews: 248 Country: Manchester, England 300 Points
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Posted: Tue Apr 29, 2008 1:38 pm Post subject: |
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Cheers for your crits, guys.
For those of you who want to hear my awful voice reading this out loud (just for the rhythm and all!) this link, http://www.esnips.com/web/backgroundbob-Music should work, as long as you hit the "listen" button on the bar above the actual player. For some reason the player itself doesn't seem to work. Enjoy! |
_________________ The Oneday Cafe
though we do not speak, we are by no means silent. |
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Vernon
Always shall Love Elizabeth his Beautiful Goddess Epic Novelist

 Gender:  Age: 18 Joined: 09 May 2005 Posts: 3825 Reviews: 647 Country: Building a bridge to Elizabeth's heart and guiding her to mines. 300 Points
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Posted: Tue Apr 29, 2008 3:05 pm Post subject: |
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Damn... it's been taken off. This was abstract but it didn't bore me instead I read each bit and eventually got the picture. This is really great Bob. I really wish I could be more constructive but this poetry isn't my forte. I admire work like this greatly. Seriously this is just wonderful I glanced at it again the word choice the langauge techniques.
Overall: This earns a star from me. Really Bob. I want to review this but instead I'm blown away by it's splendour.
Good luck
VSN |
_________________ We get off to the rhythm of the trigger and destruction. Fallujah to New Orleans with impunity to kill. We are the hidden fist of the free market.
We are the ink, we are the quill.
[The Ink And The Quill (Be Afraid) - Anti-Flag] |
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alleycat13
Now a working, tax-paying citizen Novelist

 Gender:  Age: 18 Joined: 27 Jul 2007 Posts: 329 Reviews: 95 Country: USA, in the middle of a mitten 300 Points
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Posted: Tue Apr 29, 2008 8:03 pm Post subject: |
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I'm not sure. I listened to the audio and read it outloud to myself, but I'm not sure what I think. Prehaps thats a good thing? Maybe.
I agree with Vernon, it's very abstract.
And when I see the phrase "plane crash", I think--blown engine, screaming people, panic, emminent death--but your poem is almost calm.
Sorry, I can't be more helpful. All I can say is that it made me think. |
_________________ Calvin : You can't just turn on creativity like a faucet. You have to be in the right mood.
Hobbes : What mood is that?
Calvin : Last-minute panic.
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