Esmé
consider rephrasing
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 Posted: Sat May 31, 2008 4:40 pm Post subject: |
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JFW1415 - I had a nice, long critique typed up, but the wham. And as there are no batteries in my laptop… Yes. Well. I’ll try to repeat what I wrote, though I don’t remember half of it…
Quote:
I think Matty notices, because he takes longer to respond than usual.
Strictly speaking Matty is not the only one who notices. The narrator does too, no? That is why I’d add “too”, or something like that.
Quote:
I raised the phone to my ear and prepared to dial,
Consider cutting out “phone” and placing a substitute there. You have the word in the sentence before, and it does stand out.
Quote:
“I don’t know, you guys.”
While it is (up to a point!) clear who is saying that, consider adding a tag there to shatter my opinion of it floating around in midair?
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It was the first guy again. I recognized the voice that time.
Perhaps merge those two, and say that “I” couldn’t place a name to him. Basically, avoid repeating “the voice” at all costs.
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There was a pause as he debated what to say,
Brendan, my brother, etc., not “him”. “Him” was above.
Quote:
“Yeah.” His voice was strong then. Determined.
Smoother transition needed, e.g. “became”.
Quote:
The second guy finally spoke again. He knew that Brendan was convinced, that he could no longer mess it up.
Could - would, though I think I dislike the sentence… “could no longer mess it up”… Hmm.
Quote:
The moon stretches in attempt to illuminate the hall, its rays like long fingers inching closer to me, but it can’t quite reach.
“but not quite able to reach”? I don’t know, rephrase my suggestion too, but the last part of the sentence above has to be.
The Unearthly Is Earthly
Meaning, the retrospection. Here I am for, I think, and cannot say a word against it. T’was a nice addition to the well-written story.
The Omnipresent (in this case) First Person
I, I, I - I (heh) think you managed well with cutting the unnecessary “I” from the text, and I cannot be nitpicky about that in anyway. What I’ll have to echo, though, and what was already on my mind when reading the first section (I can’t remember if I said something about that or nor) is that yes, the MC characterizes others quite well, describes them in a way that we can relate to them, but what about herself? That, I feel, is a bit left out. We knew about her grief (and her way of expressing it) in the first installment, but what was her role in, e.g., today’s breakfast? That is my main issue, since later on, obviously, it’s taken care of. Nothing like exaggeration, no? But, generally, do add a comment about her here and there.
As to the omnipresence and knowledgeableness (which usually go hand in hand, but if I added that then I the title’d be too long for my taste. So I didn’t…). During the retrospection, or, more specifically, the phone conversation. Oh, and I’d like to also say that I have an extreme dislike for speakerphones in stories - it’s hard not to get mixed up with who exactly is saying what, since one cannot add proper tags (just voice descriptions). Yours worked out fairly well, I suppose, since that second voice spoke only twice. But, go back and read first sentence, and then the following (which should have come after, but I was side-tracked):
Quote:
“Yeah?” There was a smirk in his voice – he knew he had worn down Brendan.
Quote:
“Then when?” He wasn’t about to relent. Not when he was so close.
Katherine probably didn’t exactly know that, did she? She though she did, she perhaps sensed it, she might have heard it - but she didn’t know, know. Did she? (That stood out, at least to me, though I spent some minutes on figuring out what it was).
Well, that is everything I have to say at this point. I’d like to see more of the mother’s reaction - “yesterday‘s” was quite emotional, wouldn’t she bare traces of that today? Is her face haggard? Is everyone’s face haggard? Those kind of little details can prove very handy at times. Other than that - well written, interesting piece.
Cheers,
Esme |
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"I don't like small birds. They hop around so merrily outside my window, looking so innocent. But I know that secretly, they're watching my every move and plotting to beat me over the head with a large steel pipe and take my shoe."
-Jack Handy |
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