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TNCowgirl
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 Posted: Wed Apr 16, 2008 4:25 pm Post subject: Keri's Love Chapter Two Part Five |
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Ok, so if there is a part that needs to be in italics it isn't on here but it is when I had it on my word file. I'm sorry I haven't really figure the fasts and easiest way to do that. I will do the redos chapter by chapter from now on.  This is the end of Chapter Two. It was longer then I had planned.
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Ryder stood up, paid, and left. He couldn’t help but clench his fists. He didn’t know why he didn’t just take the vampire’s advise and leave. He didn’t need to get involved with a girl that had a vampire for a brother. He couldn’t seem to want to leave, he wanted to know more about her. To maybe even build their relationship a little more. He ran a hand through his hair. This girl was different and he wasn’t about to let a vampire get in his way. He was going to see if this was the girl he wanted to spend his life with. She sure seemed like someone that would be a great life partner.
I’ll kill you! The vampire’s word floated through his head again. He shook them away and laughed. One vampire wasn’t going to kill him, if he did they’d both be dead. He smiled and walked to his hotel. Alana was gone, she had left a note letting him know she had gone home. He tossed it in the trash can and looked in the mirror. He realized he didn’t have anything to do all day long. He could always ring up his friend from this college and see if he could hang out. He decided that would be better then just sitting around all day letting the thought of Keri grow in his mind. He picked the phone up and quickly dialed the number he had had memorized for the past four years.
“This is Chris.” The voice said, he smiled.
“Found any good hunting grounds around here?” Ryder smiled laying back on his bed.
“Ryder? That you? You’re in town?” Chris demanded,
“Ya, had to get away from the pack for a little while. Dad’s pushing me to marry Amber, I just can’t get myself to do it so I decided I would go out and find a girl for myself.” He laughed, Chris’ deep laugh mixed with his and then stopped.
“I got to go, a friend just showed up and there is a vampire.” Chris’ voice was tense.
“I’ll come down. Still at the same address?” Ryder stood up and slipped his shoes back on.
“Yup, see you in a few.” The phone went dead and Ryder hurried from the hotel. He took the stairs two at a time and hurried through town to where his friend was. He knocked on the door and Chris opened the door a tense smile on his face.
“Hey.” He smiled as they shook hands. “Come on in.” Ryder followed Chris into the house and froze when he saw Keri standing there holding a cup of water in her hands. Cameron stood a few feet behind her. “Keri, this is Ryder he….”
“I know him.” She replied raising an eyebrow, “You’re not following me are you?” She asked looking him in the eye her eyes laughing.
“No, Chris is the friend I came to see.” He replied looking back at Cameron who was glaring at both of them from behind her. Keri stood straight up straitghting her small shoulders her eyes narrowing to slits.
“Don’t you two dare start that glaring again!” She hissed, Chris looked at Ryder confused and he smiled.
“Yes, ma’am.” He looked to Chris and shrugged. Keri smiled and sat down on a chair.
“Chris was just telling us about how he is getting his degree later. If whatever you have to do today isn’t urgent, I’d like to hear the rest of what he had to say.” She replied.
“Not at all, I was just bored and thought he might have something to do.” Ryder replied finding a chair. He saw Cameron move to the closest seat
to Keri and look at both of the werewolves.
“Well, there isn’t much else to tell. I’ll finish up my doctor’s degree in a few months and then I’m moving back down home to live with the rest of my family.” He smiled, “That was it. How bout we all go to one of the local restraints for lunch. It’s on me.”
Ryder was surprised Chris had suggested this. Especially when he couldn’t refuse the vampire from coming. Chris had always been a peace maker though, but with a vampire? Ryder wasn’t sure, but he wasn’t about to put his guard down, not when Cameron was around.
“That would be great, but I can’t ask you to pay for me.” Keri smiled standing up. “I have to clean my house up and then get some work done.”
“We can help you clean then go to eat. It’d give us all something to do and we’d all be hungry afterwards.” Chris smiled, Cameron looked furious, but Keri looked like she was thinking on it.
“I thought guys didn’t like to clean. Plus, it is a huge mess, and I rather no one see it. Cameron will have to find something to do while I clean it too.” She smiled,
“What happened to make it so dirty, you are the most organized person I know.” Chris said his voice showing concern.
“I’m not sure.” She smiled, “Must’ve forgotten to clean or something.” She replied moving towards the door. Cameron stood up and followed her.
“Alright, I’ll see you later then.” Chris said standing up and shaking her hand. He stuck his hand out to Cameron who glared at it. Keri cleared her throat and Cameron reluctantly shook his hand. Ryder just stood behind the group and nodded his goodbyes. |
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Sela Locke
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| Posted: Wed Apr 16, 2008 10:03 pm Post subject: Good job! Just needs some work... |
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I think your biggest problems are punctuation and repetition. You put the exact same adjective/noun/verb over and over again, which gets quite annoying. Try going through a thesaurus. Also, I'll add a few punctuation 'oopsies'. Just some quick examples. ^^
| Quote: |
| “I know him.” She replied raising an eyebrow, “You’re not following me are you?” She asked looking him in the eye her eyes laughing. |
Whoa! Slow down there! This is quite a confusing sentence. She does two things, 'raising an eyebrow' and 'she asked looking him in the eye'. That just doesn't sound right. Try the sentence like this: '"I know him." she interrupted, raising an eyebrow, "You're not following me, are you?"'
And then you can just chuck the extra part at the end, 'She asked looking him in the eye her eyes laughing' it's an example of that nasty repetition problem a lot of people have, and it's lacking punctuation. Plus, you don't really need it.
Just one more...
| Quote: |
| “No, Chris is the friend I came to see.” He replied looking back at Cameron who was glaring at both of them from behind her. Keri stood straight up straitghting her small shoulders her eyes narrowing to slits. |
Ooh, there goes the repetition. I know it's easier to use the same word, but it messes the entire sentence up. X__X
Maybe you could try it more like this:
"No, Chris is the friend I came to see." he replied, looking back at Cameron, who was glaring at both of the were-wolves. (throw out the 'from behind her' I personally don't think you need it)
And the other part, 'Keri stood straight up straitghting her small shoulders her eyes narrowing to slits.'
Try it more like this, 'Keri straightened up, her eyes narrowing to slits.' You can get rid of the 'small shoulders'. It's not needed.
You've got a good story here, you just need to work on those two things.
Repetition, and punctuation.
Well, good luck, and happy writing,
-Sela |
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Vampy_Girl15
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| Posted: Thu Apr 17, 2008 1:08 am Post subject: |
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Well Sela was right about some of the punctuation, and a few words were misspelled.
Over all I liked the idea, and I can't wait to read more.
Keep writing!
~ Rachael |
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mizz-iceberg
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| Posted: Wed Apr 23, 2008 6:58 pm Post subject: |
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Great job once again. Sela pretty much pointed out everything that I noticed.
-Waiting for the next chapter... |
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