sokool15
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 Posted: Tue Apr 15, 2008 9:43 pm Post subject: Dragon Bait 7 |
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Derik stood outside Penelope's door, hesitating. He didn't want to wake her up, but he did want to see how she was. He listened at the door for a moment before raising his hand to knock. All he could hear was a strange scratching noise, like she was scraping her fingernail on the wall.
"If you were trying to dig a hole in the wall or something, you could have just opened the door and walked away," Derik said as he opened the door, without knocking, after all. He had hoped to startle her and start out the day with an edge, but he failed. She was sitting up against the pillows on her bed with one knee propped up, eating a cookie and writing hurriedly on a thick notepad. The scratching sound was her pencil against the paper. Where the hell had she gotten a cookie? Derik came forward a few more steps and noted with approval that her clean, dark green v-necked shirt came down slightly lower and allowed him a glimpse of...well, what she had. He wasn't really a pervert, but he would like his wife to look attractive.
Derik cleared his throat and took another step forward. Penelope still didn't acknowledge his existence. "Penelope, good morning. I hope you slept well." She continued writing. Rolling his eyes, he strode towards the bed, took her shoulders and shook her. Immediately her eyes snapped up and she flinched away from his touch. He even saw a flash of terror in her eyes as she pulled away violently. Why was she so afraid when he touched her? Did she think he'd bite, or something? He stepped back and crossed his arms.
"I said, good morning. The polite thing to do would be to answer."
"Sorry, I didn't hear you," said Penelope. She quickly closed her notebook and offered Derik the other part of her cookie. He looked at it suspiciously, then took it and tried it. It was actually really good.
"How are you adjusting to your new home?" Derik asked, smiling broadly and gesturing to the surroundings. "I have very good taste, do I not?"
"Yes, and you're also very humble," Penelope pointed out, not returning his smile.
"What? It's not my fault that I'm naturally gifted," he said. He sat down on the foot of the bed, and she shifted her feet away from him.
"So what's the plan today? I'm still a little confused as to how this is all going to work," said Penelope. "I mean, do you just have a mass wedding ceremony for all the new wives, and then everybody goes their separate ways? And how do we even get into this new world, anyway?"
Derik frowned, disappointed. She had already given in. She wasn't going to be much fun anymore. "I'm surprised that you've accepted your fate so soon."
Penelope shrugged, looking down at her lap. "Well, it's not every day a girl gets proposed to by a handsome young fellow with a pet dragon."
Derik tilted his head to the side and surveyed her carefully. Something was going on in that wicked mind of hers. He'd better be careful.
"I do have one question, though," said Penelope, carefully pushing her pen through the wire bindings of her notebook. "How does this whole deal usually work out for the men?"
"What?" Derik was startled. He hadn't expected that.
"What I mean is," said Penelope quickly. "Sure, the whole being torn out of your home to get married to a stranger thing is a pretty lousy deal for the maidens, but what about the guys of your world? Surely you know that appearances aren't everything. Fifty percent of these beautiful virgins could be absolute shrews."
"What are you getting at?"
"Well, what is the divorce rate in your world?" Penelope asked.
"Divorce isn't allowed in our world," said Derik haughtily. "That's part of what makes it so much better than Earth."
Penelope sat back and whistled. "Goodness, that's even worse than I thought. An entire lifetime spent with a woman you know nothing about? I bet your suicide rate is higher than Earth's, anyway."
Derik laughed uneasily. "If you're trying to convince me in some weird way to let you go, it's not working."
"Oh, no, of course not," protested Penelope. "I'm just saying, your way of getting wives may not be the best way at all."
"My father was very happy with my mother, who was a wonderful woman," Derik snapped.
"And just because you had a great upbringing means others did too?" Shaking her head, Penelope tsked her tongue. "What I'm saying is, I totally understand if you want to dump all these ladies in some houses back in your world. But surely you'd have more foresight in your own marriage?"
Derik laid his head down on the bed and ran his fingers through his hair, brow wrinkled in thought. "So are you saying you want some sort of trial period before I actually marry you? So we can get to know each other?"
"Well...sort of," said Penelope slowly. "But it'd be better if you got to know me in my own natural environment. Maybe you could stay with my family for awhile. Do you think you'd like that?"
"Ha!" Derik snorted. "Nice try. You'd report me and I'd get arrested before I even had time to introduce myself to your parents."
"Well, I guess if you don't trust me," said Penelope, pouting slightly.
"Don't give me that. Isn't that what you were saying the whole trial period thing would be for, learning to trust each other?" Derik shook his head. "I see where you're trying to go with this, and I'm not going there. If you want to leave, just tell me and I'll have my dragon bring to you back to Seattle. But I'll just make sure to tell him that he'd better start burning on his way back. Nothing will be left but charred ruins by the time he's finished."
Penelope nodded slowly. "All right, if that's the way it's going to be. I can live with it. But seriously, you should really consider the fact that we may not suit each other."
"Yes, I do agree that the whole trial-period thing is actually a good idea," Derik conceded. "I'll have to think about it, though."
Inwardly, Derik was dancing in glee. He'd known she wasn't the type to give up so soon. What a devious mind his Penelope had. Wait...what had he just thought? His Penelope? He had to reign himself in. Remember, she wants a trial period. What she says has validity, he thought to himself as he sat up and ruffled a hand through his hair.
However, how he was going to carry it out would be more difficult. He needed to get his load of wives home as soon as possible so they could settle in and begin reproducing. The population was at an all-time low and the men were getting impatient. Also, the dragon would be nearly impossible to keep reigned in for more than a couple of days. Having a pet dragon was rather like having a pet alligator. They were all very well for doing your errands, but you gave them plenty of space whenever possible and kept them very well fed.
"Well, Penelope, I'll leave you for now. If you get hungry or need anything, just let me know. You can press the button by the door and I'll come," said Derik, getting of the bed and brushing off the back of his suit.
"Oh, yeah, I found the bathroom last night by myself," remarked Penelope. "I want to get some writing done, but I'm sure by midafternoon I'll start to get bored. Seeya later!"
Derik blinked. "Don't be so eager to get rid of me, my dear. We're trying to get to know each other."
"I know, but I don't particularly like you, since you're the cause of most of the pain and anguish I had to go through yesterday. I'm sure I'll want to spend more time with you when it's not so fresh in my memory," said Penelope. She flipped open her notebook again. "Besides, I'm on a role and I really want to get this novel done. Can women publish novels in your world?"
"Well, they never have, but there's no rule against it," said Derik. He opened his mouth to continue speaking, but Penelope was already back in her fantasy world, teeth nibbling at her lip and her shoulders hunched and her face took on an intent look. He backed out and shut the door behind him.
Now, what to do until midafternoon? Feed the women, find the dragon - but that was pretty much it. He could start making preparations for the transport back home, but he still had to figure out exactly what to do about the whole trial thing. Derik wandered slowly through the halls, which were growing darker and darker the lower he got. The unfurnished grey stone provided a gloomy atmosphere, and Derik always got depressed when he came down here.
"I can't stay here, that's for sure," he said aloud as he turned left. He entered a small, octagon-shaped room with walls made of metal. The only furniture was a large screen hung on the wall beside a small machine. "I'll get arrested, the dragon will go crazy and the women will all die." He hadn't brought enough food to sustain four thousand and one women for longer than two days.
He began operating the remote control machine that brought buffet tables of food out of the walls. He could see through a large screen that stood against one wall, the women just beginning to wake up. As the first table emerged from the wall closed to him, he grinned as they began screeching and clutching each other. What did they think it was, an automated torture rack or something? The tables were stored in a refrigerated, tightly packed environment, and emerged already outfitted with cutlery and food.
"But then, I can't exactly do the whole trial thing at home, either. They'll think I'm crazy, or soft or something," Derik muttered. The last table, so far down he could barely even see it in the screen, had emerged, so he turned off the machine and exited the room.
***
Penelope wandered her room restlessly, pacing from one end to the other. Earlier she'd been caught fast in the throes of creativity, and hadn't been thinking about much else. Now, however, she could begin to think again. At least Derik had been reasonable and wasn't going to go haring off to find a priest at the earliest possible second. But he was still determined on leaving this world, and he'd take her with him or burn Seattle. Perhaps she could make him fall deeply in love with her, then tell him that "if you loved me you'd let me go." No, that was ridiculous. It always worked in movies, but Penelope knew that in reality you couldn't force people to fall in love - and seduction, for Penelope, was out of the question.
Penelope groaned as she watched the right wall approach her vision yet again. She had been pacing in circles for the past hour, trying and failing to think of some way to persuade him to let her off. She was getting incredibly bored. She hadn't intended to actually call Derik to her...the less time spent around him the better, really. What a creep. The only thing he had going for him were his good looks. But then, anything was better than just hanging around until nightfall, waiting to be taken off to another world. Besides, she was hungry. Cookies only went so far.
Making up her mind, she strode towards the door and lifted her hand to push the button. Even as her fingers brushed the cool metal, the door swung open and Derik strolled in, looking smug. Penelope started back, staring at him.
"How the hell did you get here so fast? I wasn't even going to..."
Derik laughed. "This room is closely monitored, Miss Eros. I've been watching you for a while."
Penelope frowned, trying to decide whether or not to get very, very angry at the fact that he had been watching her in her private space. However, it wasn't really worth it to her at the moment. She had too little energy to waste it on little things like privacy. After all, if she didn't think fast, pretty soon she'd be his wife. Then she wouldn't have any privacy anyway.
"Well? What did you want?" asked Derik. "You seemed to be having a grand time here all by yourself."
"I'm hungry," explained Penelope. "I was wondering if you happened to have food in this little cave of yours."
"Well, yes, actually," said Derik, smiling. "I was wondering how long those ridiculous cookies were going to last you." Before Penelope could protest, he held up his hand. "Follow me."
Penelope walked out behind him, still barefoot. "Do I need shoes for this?" she asked, pausing in the doorway.
"It's up to you," said Derik. "The floors are carpeted." He watched, amused, as Penelope chose not to wear anything on her feet. He started down the long, narrow hallway. "You're a very strange person, Penelope Eros. But I think I like you."
"You said that before," Penelope reminded him. "It's starting to get old. I don't mind being strange, but getting told so constantly doesn't do anything for my ego."
"I'm going to keep saying it until you give me the right answer back," said Derik. Penelope thought he sounded a little too serious for the situation.
"Oh? And what answer would that be?" she asked.
"Something about you liking me too," mumbled Derik, flushing slightly.
"Well, as I said before, the jury's still out," said Penelope gently. "Sorry."
They paced in awkward silence for another minute before Derik stopped. "Here we are," he said brightly. He opened the door to the left and they entered a small dining room. In the middle of the room was a beautiful, low wooden table decorated with shining silverware and delicate plates with matching glasses.
Penelope walked in, shaking her head. "Wow. And here I was hoping for a peanut butter sandwich at best. Do you always dine this well?"
"Nope, just when I'm trying to impress the ladies," said Derik, winking.
"No need, my friend, no need. I'm sufficiently impressed by the huge size of the cave you own." Penelope looked up at the tall ceiling. "I'm kind of curious as to how this whole thing works, though. I mean, it seems like the hallway just goes in one straight line, with doors along the whole thing. But each door opens into a huge area." She gestured at the elaborate surroundings.
"Well, to tell you the truth, I'm not exactly sure how it works, myself," said Derik sheepishly. "The cave actually belongs in my own world - it belonged to the first king of our people. He was a weird guy, and had lots of eccentricities. He built the cave himself."
"Wait…it belongs in your world. How did it get here?" asked Penelope, pulling back one of the high-backed wooden chairs and sitting down.
Derik joined her. "That same king also found a way to go between worlds. He's the one who first started the whole thing with getting women from different planets."
"Wait - your first king discovered all this?" asked Penelope, confused. Derik strode over to the side table and brought over a dish of chicken breasts. "That must have been a long time ago. Were you really advanced in technology even back then?"
"Our civilization is older than yours," said Derik, serving her a chicken breast. She sniffed it appreciatively. He served himself and sat down again. "The first king only came to the throne about five thousand years ago. Before that, we had a democracy."
Penelope stopped before her first bite touched her mouth and stared at him. "A democracy? Before a kingship?"
"We decided that a kingship would be better. It's not quite that simple," continued Derik. "We have a very complex government, but it works like a charm."
Penelope blinked and shook her head. "You almost make me want to visit your world, just to see how different it is. In fact…" Penelope looked down at her food and didn't continue.
"In fact what?" Derik took a bite and stared at her, intrigued.
"Nothing." Penelope had been going to say that she wouldn't mind marrying him and going to his world at all, if it weren't for leaving her family behind. How could she even think such a thing, let alone contemplate saying it out loud? She should be trying to think of a way to get out of here as fast as possible. She determined to keep her mouth shut for the remainder of dinner. Hence, the rest of the meal passed very quietly, with Derik's occasional attempt at conversation being rebuffed by a brief word or a meaningful glance from Penelope. Eventually they both gave up, and Derik wordlessly escorted Penelope to her room when they had finished eating. |
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Azila
One at a Time...
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| Posted: Wed Apr 16, 2008 2:32 am Post subject: |
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*ehem* Why didn't you PM me about this, Missy? Do you want me to stop giving you critiques or something? Haha, just kidding... 
| Quote: |
| Derik came forward a few more steps and noted with approval that her clean, dark green v-necked shirt came down slightly lower and allowed him a glimpse of...well, what she had. |
Lower than what? You shouldn't really use a comparative adjective like that without giving the comparison, if you know what I mean.
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| Remember, she wants a trial period. What she says has validity, he thought to himself as he sat up and ruffled a hand through his hair. |
Thoughts (when they're in the same tense as the narrative) should be italic.
| Quote: |
| Having a pet dragon was rather like having a pet alligator. They were all very well for doing your errands, but you gave them plenty of space whenever possible and kept them very well fed. |
I believe the period after "alligator" should be a semi-colon.
| Quote: |
| As the first table emerged from the wall closed to him, he grinned as they began screeching and clutching each other. |
I don't like that there are two "as"s in this... it's awkward to read. Also, I don't think they'd clutch at each other per se, just because they don't really know each other...
| Quote: |
| The tables were stored in a refrigerated, tightly packed environment, and emerged already outfitted with cutlery and food. |
Would be better as "tightly-packed," no?
| Quote: |
| Penelope wandered her room restlessly, pacing from one end to the other. |
And then later...
| Quote: |
| She had been pacing in circles for the past hour, trying and failing to think of some way to persuade him to let her off. |
So is she pacing in a circle or back and forth?
| Quote: |
| What a creep. The only thing he had going for him were his good looks. |
I think this section should be in parenthesis.
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| She determined to keep her mouth shut for the remainder of dinner. |
This is kinda nitpicky, but how could she eat with her mouth closed? 
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There are few inconsistencies and problems that bothered me:
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| Why was she so afraid when he touched her? Did she think he'd bite, or something? He stepped back and crossed his arms. |
I'm not 100% sure, but I think she already told him about her phobia... I might be wrong, though, so I'll just shut up. ^_^
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| "Divorce isn't allowed in our world," said Derik haughtily. "That's part of what makes it so much better than Earth." |
This happened in a few places other than the quoted one... you seem to treat all of Earth as one culture. There are lots of religions, even countries, on Earth that don't allow divorce, for instance.
Another thing is that the whole plot about the women doesn't seem too realistic. How, for instance, did Derik manage to get them all in the cage in one day with only one dragon? Also, they seem kind of familiar with each other... they would probably be scared -- terrified -- and miserable.
Also, it seems kind of unlikely that Penny would be able to be so cool, under the circumstances. I know that's her personality... but still.
I liked it, overall (as always) but there are some major glitches that you need to work on.
PM me if you have questions/comments -- or when you post another chapter! *grumbles*
Hope this helps!
~Azila~ |
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