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This thread was created on April 14, 2008
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Topic ID: 28850
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yoha_ahoy
yoyo
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 Posted: Tue Apr 15, 2008 3:20 am Post subject: Mandala |
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Mandala
Mandala;
your repeated patterns,
round and never ending.
Many soothing colors
in kaleidoscope ways,
keeps the eyes moving along,
meandering a path
through your middle,
letting you invade
and control our minds.
But just for a moment,
as we are calmed by you
allowed to think deeper;
to peek at a tiny glimpse
of the great
spiritual worlds
you can reveal.
I have been struck by brilliance. Muahaha! Written about five minutes ago. For those of you who don't know what a mandala is, I link you to Wiki! Mandala Enjoy!
~Yoyo  |
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Last edited by yoha_ahoy on Tue Apr 15, 2008 6:37 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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Medusa
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| Posted: Tue Apr 15, 2008 3:25 am Post subject: |
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Hmm...I love mandalas. A big part of my spiritual Zen Buddhist aura.
As for the poem:
be wary of excessive -ing words.
| Quote: |
Mandala;
your repeated patterns,
round and never ending.
Many soothing colors
in kalaidascope ways,
keeps the eyes moving along,
meandering a path
through your middle,
letting you invade
and control our minds.
But just for a moment,
as we are calmed by you
allowed to think deeper;
to peek at a tiny glimpse
of the great
spritual worlds
you can reveal. |
Too many verbs can clutter a peice.
I love the last few lines, the peek into a great many worlds appeals to me. Overall, a pretty simplistic although well written peice. Bravo.
Medusa. |
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Aedomir
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| Posted: Tue Apr 15, 2008 5:23 pm Post subject: |
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I enjoyed that poem, well done!
Like Medusa said, be careful of excessive -ing verbs. In terms of portrayal, and iagery I thought it wasn't bad, but I felt the theme a bit lacking. Now I re-read it, I see a bit more interesting and a super ending also.
| Quote: |
| in kalaidascope ways, |
I struggled over that a lot. I believe it is 'kaleidoscope' but a little to long and not many people will know what it means. I would recommend finding anew way to incorporate this.
Not bad though! Short and sweet, like a like it 
Keep writing!
-Mark |
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| This thread was created on April 14, 2008 |
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