Topic ID: 28840
|
View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
PsychicNinja
The Official YWS Ninja
Speaker of the Forum
Gender: 
Age: 16
Joined: 04 Jun 2007
Posts: 605
Reviews: 192
Country: You mean planet? We Mando'ade are nomads.
576 Points
|
 Posted: Tue Apr 15, 2008 12:29 am Post subject: A Pierced Heart |
 |
|
Love blossoms like a rose,
And it twists and turns;
It is tested.
But then, as the fledgling world explodes
With brilliant light,
A sword is thrown.
Like a dagger, it pierces the heart,
Spilling the sweet nectar of devotion and desire
Over the carpet of a tainted soul. |
_________________
"The nice thing about the alphabet, ma'am, is that it gives you plenty of plans to choose from."
―Fi to Etain Tur-Mukan
"Cheer up, still got E through Z plans."
"One day, Fi, I'm going to give you a good slap."
―Fi and Darman
Last edited by PsychicNinja on Tue Apr 15, 2008 10:52 pm; edited 1 time in total |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
JabberHut
The One and Only!
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 17
Joined: 04 Nov 2006
Posts: 944
Reviews: 452
Country: Whats you wants? My blood? Gets yer own!
733 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Apr 15, 2008 12:57 am Post subject: |
|
|
Hi there! It's been ages since I saw some of your work, even if it is for a class. 
Well, you sure mastered your punctuation here. I have no suggestions down that route. ^^
Your imagery was excellent. I pictured the entire thing.
| Quote: |
| Love blossoms like a rose |
Beautiful simile here!
| Quote: |
| And it twists and turns; |
Alliteration! Well done!
| Quote: |
| Spilling the sweet nectar of devotion and desire |
You're just chuck full of alliteration today, aren't you! 
*double-checks to see if her review looks like a crit*
Sweet. Mission accomplished! 
Good job! Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only! |
_________________
"I want to puke happiness all over you people..." –Suz on finishing Death Machine
"WWJD: What Would Jabber Do?" -- Jabber
CIA -- Join today!
Recruiting all WoWers! -- Join today! |
|
| Back to top |
|
Maki-Chan
Atama Kata hiza ashi, hiza ashi!
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 07 Nov 2007
Posts: 1937
Reviews: 242
Country: USA
323 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Apr 15, 2008 1:15 am Post subject: |
|
|
Wow. This is short, but I believe that it is a good thing. If you'd dragged it on it probably would of not of been good as now.
| Quote: |
| Over the carpet of a tainted soul. |
no clue why, but I just love this part. ^_^ |
_________________
Everybody has problems, but the ones who deal with them instead of complain are the ones who'll change the world- by: me ^_^
go to http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/name_generator.php for stuff ^_^ |
|
| Back to top |
|
yoha_ahoy
yoyo
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 28 Aug 2005
Posts: 937
Reviews: 379
Country: living through my third eye
300 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Apr 15, 2008 7:14 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Mmmm, short poem. Me likey!
The first line is really cliche. That's about my biggest complaint. If there was something you chould change it to that was less cliche, that'd be great. But I can understand if you don't change it.
"Spilling the sweet nectar of devotion and desire/ Over the carpet of a tainted soul."
I looove these last two lines. Brilliant.
There would be some minor changes I would do to make this a little easier to read:
Love blossoms like a rose,
[take out 'and']it twists and turns;
and it is tested.
But then, as the fledgling world explodes
with a brilliant light,
a sword is thrown.
Like a dagger, it pierces the heart,
spilling the sweet nectar of devotion and desire
over the carpet of a tainted soul.
And unless the double spacing provides some sort of service to the poem, you can do without, but I don't mind it. 
Beautiful though! I enjoyed this! Keep writing!
~Yoyo  |
_________________
@(^_^)@ Got YWS? Rick, FTW!
Visit my Site!!!: yoha_ahoy's website
Need something to critique? Check out Circus Pirates!
Need a critique instead? Then visit Yoyo's Crit Requests! |
|
| Back to top |
|
aestar101
No Soup for You!
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 22 Jan 2008
Posts: 688
Reviews: 130
Country: atop a cloud
300 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Apr 15, 2008 11:40 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| Love it! It has so much depth. I was imaging a rose when I was reading this. Great! |
_________________
Character is what you have left when you've lost everything you can lose. - Evan Esar
Like my opinions a lot? Let me critique you. http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic29146.html |
|
| Back to top |
|
Adnamarine
At last my arm is complete again!
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 12 Jan 2007
Posts: 616
Reviews: 120
Country: What are you, my stalker?
317 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Apr 15, 2008 11:43 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Ooohh, yoyo. Tsk tsk. First line = lovely!
Me likey, Timea!!! (I'm in a weird mood.)
I especially like the first part and the last. The middle was slightly strange for me, just a little.
"A sword is thrown.
Like a dagger, it pierces the heart," I think I'd either make this just a dagger, or take out the line "like a dagger." How would it pierce the heart like a dagger? They're practically the same thing, just one is bigger...
I think that's the only think I would change:) This was de'lovely.
Keep writing!
*adna* |
_________________
@(^_^)@
Got YWS?
Dwight: Once I'm officially Regional Manager my first order of business will be to demote Jim Halpert. So I will need a new number two. My ideal choice? Jack Bauer. But he is unavailable. Fictional. And overqualified. |
|
| Back to top |
|
OverEasy
*looks good in pink*
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 01 Jan 2008
Posts: 779
Reviews: 122
Country: The Lovely Hills of BubbleYum!
200 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Apr 15, 2008 11:56 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| I really like this a lot. It's hard to do something that is done so often and really make it your own, and you have done that here |
_________________
If I can write one line of one story that touches someone in some way. Then my one dream in life has come true. |
|
| Back to top |
|
zoeybird13024
Writer
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 20 Mar 2008
Posts: 90
Reviews: 55
Country: United States
300 Points
|
| Posted: Wed Apr 16, 2008 12:11 am Post subject: |
|
|
I agree--the first and last lines were lovely. I loved the imagery. The middle was a little awkward due to phrasing and such, but that's already been brought up so I won't go into that and repeat everything.
That was a very nice poem! Nice and short! I would suggest adding just one more line, though. You don't have to--it'd still be nice without it--but try adding one more in the middle to see how the flow works. |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
blacktiger3915
It's the eye of the tiger!
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 17
Joined: 26 Nov 2007
Posts: 730
Reviews: 270
Country: Atlanta,GA USA
300 Points
|
| Posted: Wed Apr 16, 2008 12:16 am Post subject: |
|
|
| I liked it, but for some reason it came to me as being a typicial heart-felt poem. Anyway don't mind me, keep writing. |
_________________
Don't send sheep to kill a wolf. |
|
| Back to top |
|
October Girl
You make the DARKNESS disappear...<3 I Love You
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 23 Sep 2006
Posts: 1737
Reviews: 169
Country: Where Love is Lost
317 Points
|
| Posted: Wed Apr 16, 2008 12:26 am Post subject: |
|
|
Timea, this work is amazing, I'm very proud of you. I think you should submite this to a poetry contest. This piece is amazing. I'm truly in love with it
-Max |
_________________
When your gone... Will I lose control?
Your the only road I know... You show me where to go... Who will drive my soul? -LIGHTS |
|
| Back to top |
|
Conrad Rice
Novelist
Gender: 
Age: 17
Joined: 13 Apr 2008
Posts: 301
Reviews: 107
Country: The Deep
571 Points
|
| Posted: Thu Apr 17, 2008 3:19 am Post subject: |
|
|
| This is a very good piece of poetry. Short, but extremely good. The imagery conveyed in this is very powerful and vivid. Kudos! |
_________________
Maybe you have to know darkness before you can appreciate the light.- Madeline L'Engle
In the beginning the universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and has been widely regarded as a bad move- Douglas Adams |
|
| Back to top |
|
Lil_Pau
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 13
Joined: 11 Oct 2007
Posts: 195
Reviews: 95
Country: Land of Eternal Dawn
354 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Apr 18, 2008 2:34 am Post subject: |
|
|
| A short but beautiful poem. It had a lot of imagery, like Conrad Rice (& others) had mentioned. Good work! |
_________________
Victory is the result of a fight, determination is its base.
Got YWS? |
|
| Back to top |
|
W1ldF1r3
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 13
Joined: 18 Apr 2008
Posts: 49
Reviews: 28
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Apr 19, 2008 8:29 am Post subject: |
|
|
| Excellent poem, short but powerful, last two lines were genuis. |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
W1ldF1r3
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 13
Joined: 18 Apr 2008
Posts: 49
Reviews: 28
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Apr 19, 2008 8:31 am Post subject: |
|
|
| EDIT: whoops sorry, mustve posted twice by accident |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
Vernon
Always shall Love Elizabeth his Beautiful Goddess
Epic Novelist
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 09 May 2005
Posts: 3825
Reviews: 647
Country: Building a bridge to Elizabeth's heart and guiding her to mines.
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Apr 19, 2008 12:13 pm Post subject: Re: A Pierced Heart |
|
|
| PsychicNinja wrote: |
Love blossoms like a rose, (Too cliche, why can't a Dandelon represent love?)
And as it twists and turns; (Just what it needed, it flows better now!)
It is tested.
But then, as the fledgling world explodes (Hmm, try another word here, instead of explode.)
With brilliant light, (Try shine)
A sword is thrown. (I think dagger would be more effective here)
Like a dagger, it pierces the heart, (And it's now a dagger, huh?)
Spilling the sweet nectar of devotion and desire
Over the carpet of a tainted soul. (Best two lines in the poem!) |
Overall: I love it! But, make those changes, and I'll look at it again. Great poem, short but still totally effective.)
----------------
Listening to: No Use For A Name - Take It Home
via FoxyTunes |
_________________
We get off to the rhythm of the trigger and destruction. Fallujah to New Orleans with impunity to kill. We are the hidden fist of the free market.
We are the ink, we are the quill.
[The Ink And The Quill (Be Afraid) - Anti-Flag] |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
