Topic ID: 28840
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Squall
Roll of Thunder, Hear My Cry
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 Posted: Sat Apr 19, 2008 12:41 pm Post subject: |
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Hey Timea, I've already talked to you about it on MSN. Here is a little critique of it on here.
I already said the first line is cliche; why a rose?
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And it twists and turns;
It is tested. |
This is a good attempt at an extended metaphor, but it could had been stronger if you had defined what a rose is in a persective and original way. Roses are typically linked with love, but in what way? How is it possible?
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But then, as the fledgling world explodes
With brilliant light,
A sword is thrown.
Like a dagger, it pierces the heart,
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How is is linked with the rose?
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Spilling the sweet nectar of devotion and desire
Over the carpet of a tainted soul. |
Another good attempt at a metaphor, but it feels a bit weak at the moment as you haven't defined the purpose of having a rose in this poem as well as the line that follows before it have little to do with the rose (how does a rose and a sword link?)
It is OK at the moment, but take the critiques you've received on board and figure out as to how to edit it.
Andy. |
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oneeyedunicornhunter
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| Posted: Sun Apr 20, 2008 4:40 pm Post subject: |
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hmm. change NOTHING.
haha, that's all the advice i have for this poem.
and the carpet thing...genius.
nice. |
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Gadi.
O FOR VICTORY!
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| Posted: Sun Apr 20, 2008 5:15 pm Post subject: |
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So, what you've got here is a perfectly good poem...that "rambles". "Rambles" in the sense of the word that it talks about nothing.
Why do I think so?
First, you talk about love being a rose, which is twisted and turned, to be tested. Tested to make sure it doesn't break, you mean? And then, you completely bomb us with this picture of the "fledgling world" as it "explodes". Which has nothing to do with a sword being thrown to pierce the heart of something, "spilling the sweet nectar of devotion and desire/Over the carpet of devotion and desire"? Psh. Start working on muddled metaphors, dude.
Here's a liner by liner:
Love blossoms like a rose,
"Love ... rose" is way too cliche. (And you don't even explain it either!)
And it twists and turns;
What? Twists and turns? So you are saying love is also twisted and turned? Why?
It is tested.
Tested? What?
But then, as the fledgling world explodes
I've already said: This image is completely hazardous and confusing, and you'd do much better without it, in my opinion. It's one of your weaker ones, and plus it's a stupid transition.
With brilliant light,
So you just decide to stick two lines about a world exploding with a bunch of light and just leave it uncared for? That's evil. That's like leaving your babies on the side of the road.
A sword is thrown.
When did you get the sword in here? And how can a sword be "thrown"? You mean thrusted, maybe?
Like a dagger, it pierces the heart,
A sword IS a dagger. When you say that "swords" are like daggers because they both pierce the heart, it makes the reader truly infuriated. And where the hell did the heart come from?
Spilling the sweet nectar of devotion and desire
Why devotion and desire? You never ONCE mentioned them. And this is truly Telling Not Showing.
Over the carpet of a tainted soul.
Sorry, but in my opinion, this line is completely not genius. It's rather annoying.
Overall, this was bad. On first read, the language was fruitful, luxiurious, flowing, beautiful--you have a nice knack for words and thinking up metaphors. However, this poem was mostly infested with metaphors, which was the one major root for its downfall. If you stuck with the "rose" throughout the entire poem, and have no other metaphors you discuss, then this poem would have been loads better. So I'm saying this has potential, but you're just deciding to kill every single metaphor you use by limiting it to one or two lines instead of the full nine. |
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C.J. Mustang
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| Posted: Tue Apr 29, 2008 2:23 am Post subject: |
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Hey. That sounded kind of dark to me, and it was totally awesome, not that I'm a dark person or anything. I could totally picture the whole thing. Kudos.  |
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MakeMusicNotWar
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| Posted: Wed Apr 30, 2008 9:11 pm Post subject: |
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| I really love this poem and I don't think it's cliche at all. Your use of imagery was incredible as was your word choice. The ending was perfect and it sort of left me hanging, in a good way, because I wanted more. Keep writing. |
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Malunariya
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| Posted: Wed May 07, 2008 8:41 pm Post subject: |
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I LOVE the poem! It's really beautiful! Very descriptive, too  |
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helpless42
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| Posted: Thu May 08, 2008 12:09 am Post subject: |
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| brillant! really like it, has that punch or not punch but more like an oof, I dont know the word for it. oh well keep writing! |
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fallenangel1239
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| Posted: Thu May 08, 2008 2:16 pm Post subject: |
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wow. that's really good. Its short, at least compared to how I write, but its good.
Thing is, while reading the poem, I was relating to it quite well. In the past I've writen a couple different poems kinda like that. Or, at least about the same general topic. Well done |
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