Topic ID: 28837
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Medusa
Senior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 16
Joined: 12 Apr 2008
Posts: 201
Reviews: 31
Country: The Sonoran Desert.
300 Points
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 Posted: Mon Apr 14, 2008 11:41 pm Post subject: colors of the sun. |
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Last edited by Medusa on Sat Jun 28, 2008 9:14 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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happybear
Junior Writer
Age: 13
Joined: 21 Apr 2008
Posts: 37
Reviews: 15
392 Points
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| Posted: Thu Apr 24, 2008 12:01 am Post subject: |
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Great stuff! You really drug me into it I felt like I was right there watching it happen! Though I do believe it was neccicary you did have what I would consider questionable content if you add any more you might want to think of upping you rating. You had two or three obvious spelling mistakes that should be easy to fix (not that I'm the one to judge you on that! =P ) I loved how you kept me in susspence through out yet never stopped the action amazing really!
Well look at the time!
ME the happiest bear you ever did see! |
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Story
New Member
Gender:
Age: 19
Joined: 15 Apr 2008
Posts: 3
Reviews: 2
300 Points
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| Posted: Fri Apr 25, 2008 4:01 pm Post subject: |
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Wow I really loved this piece, especially the ending. It's such an awesome alternative to the cliche and boring "And everything went black". I like how it almost leaves the reader with hope because the main character feels its going to be ok, she knows she's dying and even though she said she doesn't believe in god anymore, she believes that life after death will be somewhat of a relief from the way she's been living. I loved that.
There was nothing in here that stuck out as needing to be fixed, but I'll read through it again the first time I was really absorbed in the story - which is a good thing, haha.
Anyway, keep up the good work!!! |
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“Live your life fom your heart. Share from your heart. And your story will touch and heal people's souls.”
~ Melody Beattie |
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Esmé
consider rephrasing
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 27 Dec 2006
Posts: 1219
Reviews: 462
603 Points
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| Posted: Mon May 19, 2008 11:25 am Post subject: |
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Medusa,
Hello. Was skimming through the Fiction forums, stumbled upon your story, and thought I’d critique. Anyway, first’ll come the line-by-line one, and then impressions, etc.
Quote:
On rotten apples and smelly water, he had lost his baby fat, his skin sagged below his eyelids and neck like draperies, and pulled tight below the swollen belly, a urinary infection declared a German doctor.
“(…) a urinary infection, a German doctor had declared.” - that is just a suggestion of rephrasing that last part, which seems a tad bit awkward. Perhaps adding a comma would be a simpler method. Hmm.
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She could not help but realize how quickly her bright, beloved sibling had been replaced by a wide-eyed sorrowful thing.
“(…) wide-eyed, sorrowful thing.” - with comma? I’m not too sure, though.
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“God isn’t in this place,” she declared, before she could stop herself, “I don’t see God in this place.”
The last quoted part should be a separate
Quote:
“Don’t say that!” Her mother snapped, quickly, but to no avail.
Minors?
Quote:
“Ten minutes!” He barked in broken Russian.
Minors, for sure. However, I don’t know about the ‘he’ - all would be good if that description formed a person… well, it does; rather, if it was stated so.
Quote:
He watched as his father’s face fell. He took the book back carefully, brushing his fingers lovingly around its worn edges. “Maybe later,” he smiled, “Maybe
If you want to keep the comma in the tag, then “maybe” would have to be in minors. I’m for making it a separate sentence, and putting a period. Also, those “he”. It’s clear who “he” is in the beginning, but then the dialogue starts, and that “he” switches to describe another person. It’s not entirely clear.
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That was the last he would see of him, around the same time his uncle, aunt, and cousins disappeared too.
Semicolon instead of first comma.
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Adam blinked. Dozens of eyes blinked dejectedly back at him.
Hmm, perhaps merge those two together, so it wouldn’t look so… chunky? Semicolon, perhaps. Though that was only a suggestion.
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You,” he pointed at a family clustered on the concrete floor by his feet, “You,” he gestured to a small group of teenage girls who broke into a heart throbbing sob as if on cue.
Second “you” in minors.
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“Victor?” she called through the house, “you there?”
Under any other circumstanced I’d leave this, I really would, in spite of my nitpickiness. But here the perfectly aright (when without tags) sentence is not so, because of the tags splitting it. I’d be better, then, if the sentence were split, too.
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“They’ve been here,” she kept saying,
Period.
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And from the other end of Rachel’s telephone, there was a constant, rhythmic ring, but no answer.
Nice.
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He ensued in climbing the rungs, either unaware or uncaring of the sharp metal barbs bearing down on him was a genuine ferocity.
Last part.
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He struggled, just as the man, impaled on the fence, struggled.
Perhaps you used the repetition on purpose. But then to emphasize that maybe rephrase?
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“SILENCE!” screamed three men in dark green gear, “silence, all of you!”
Two sentences? (Dialogue ones)
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“I don’t want to be separated!” she moaned, her thin lips agape,
Period.
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“Now.” said the voice.
Comma.
CAREFUL, CAREFUL…
-Dialogue punctuation. There some mistakes of which I was sure, but, admittedly, I can’t boast being so sure on all. But that splitting of dialogue sentences by long tags made it sometimes a tad bit hard to read. I think I pointed that out once, but stopped at that one - grammatically, I think, everything was okay. That was just my personal opinion.
-That scene where Rachel was made to part with her children, or back, slightly. That was the only scene with I found a bit awkward, pushed.
LOVELY!
-Descriptions - fantastic descriptions that really help the reader visualize the story.
-Realism. Link, up to a point, with the above, but I just had to put it here separately.
-Characters. You created believable, three-dimensional characters, and made the reader care about them.
-Emotions. Paeans from my side.
-Headings. That was a very good idea.
-Retrospections. The above.
Well, that would be about it. Thank you for posting,
Esme |
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"I don't like small birds. They hop around so merrily outside my window, looking so innocent. But I know that secretly, they're watching my every move and plotting to beat me over the head with a large steel pipe and take my shoe."
-Jack Handy |
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Icaruss
Disgustingly Honest.
Novelist
Gender: 
Age: 17
Joined: 14 Sep 2005
Posts: 476
Reviews: 112
Country: Peru.
354 Points
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| Posted: Mon May 19, 2008 4:16 pm Post subject: |
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Random Thought #96: This just may be the best opening line I've read in quite some time. You set the tone for the rest of the piece immediately. Your characters are miserable, and things won't get better. Or at least that's the way it made me feel. I'll keep reading.
Good God, man. This is fantastic. I won't call it the best thing to grace my screen in this place, because I can't really remember everything I've read here, but it probably is. Seriously, this is the kind of thing that depresses me when I'm done reading it, because I know I'll never write as good as this. That it is freaking heartbreaking doesn't help either.
Man, I would like to link your story to some people, and have them weep. I mean, how many times have I read pompous descriptions and meaningless metaphors, senseless ramblings that come off as deep and thoughtful when really they're shallow and pretentious? You describe everything vividly, in a way I could never do, using words that sound good, phrases that come together perfectly, without ever losing your train of thought, without ever getting tangled up. Man, you are wonderful. And I haven't even finished reading it, you know? I just had to stop and write this. That's how good it is. Seriously.
I think that critiquing punctuation and formatting and whatever people critique would be redundant, since a few have done that already, and frankly, these things don't really matter. Sure, they do, I mean, of course they do, but what really matters is the story and you have a great one. But, OK, a couple of suggestions:
Most of your jumps between the present and the past are handled well, except the one that focuses on Adam. You shouldn't have given it an introduction, that is, "Adam remembered..." and so. You should've just put it in there, like you did the other ones. I love your jumps. And that one, involving Adam and his father, is actually my favorite one. You can make my heart break without being cheap about it. You tell the story through, without choking it with melodrama.
Look, I feel like the least qualified person to critique you so let me just tell you that this is a fantastic piece of writing. And that, whatever you're doing, keep doing. |
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All you little girls, settin' out that line,
I can make love to you, woman, in five seconds time.
Ain't that a man?
Last edited by Icaruss on Tue May 20, 2008 7:49 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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tanith14
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 19
Joined: 20 May 2008
Posts: 33
Reviews: 18
Country: US
300 Points
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| Posted: Tue May 20, 2008 2:58 pm Post subject: |
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| Besides a few grammar issues here and there, (most have been already addressed so there is no need to shoot the dead horse.) this story is exceptional in quality. I was really gripped at the opening sentence, which is the sign of good writing. I commend you on this piece. |
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If there is one thing in the world I CAN'T stand it is the Redwings. |
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