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Areida
The Warrior Princess Ari
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 Posted: Thu May 08, 2008 10:07 am Post subject: |
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Two things:
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| The SPEW Gryphon II activated it's thrusters. |
Its, not it's.
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| The SPEW Commandos moved inside, all ready coordinating with Adelaide as to where to put their equipment. |
Already, not all ready. Also, "as to where to put" is reeeally bulky. See if you can make it prettier.
And:
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| "Sir, permission to come aboard?" Grif recognized her as Areida. A student of West Point, she was a capable leader and most importantly, she was a survivor. Grif was glad she was leading the SPEW squad. |
*babbles* HOMG I'm in the story! Whee!
(My more important trait has, unfortunately, sent a certain Destiny's Child song rolling through my head. I used to blast Survivor in my room when I was in sixth grade.)
I'm happy you updated. Give me more!  |
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- Dale Carnegie |
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Griffinkeeper
Storybook Godfather
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319 Points
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| Posted: Sat May 10, 2008 5:18 pm Post subject: |
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1100 Hours April 7th, 2008
YWS Station
YWS System
"Incan and the medical detachment have finished boarding," Adelaide said.
"Very well. Ask docking control for permission to embark."
"I've got the recruits coming up to the bridge. They'll be here in a minute."
The recruits began to file in. There was some whispering, but most were quiet. This was a good sign.
"Docking Control has given us an outbound vector and a good luck," Adelaide said.
"Take us out."
"With respect, I think they would learn better if you took it out," Adelaide said. Grif frowned. Having recruits around would be more annoying than he thought.
"Fine. Adelaide, verify all loading is finished."
"All hands are present. Loading is finished."
"Report status of systems."
"All systems are go."
"Seal our airlock. Detach from YWS Station."
"Done."
"Display navigation program and enlarge," Grif said. The holoprojector worked, filling the room with the display. The Gryphon was at the center of the screen. Around it was other ships and YWS Station.
"Our navigation system uses the spherical coordinate system for position data. It is displayed as R, theta, and phi. Theta and phi are in degrees, r is in kilometers. For course changes we just mention theta and phi. Adelaide, sync our position data with that of YWS Station."
"Done."
"Set course to ninety-zero. Verify course clear."
"Ninety-zero aye. Course is clear." On the display, the Gryphon fired her maneuvering thrusters to point the Gryphon perpendicular to the dock. Her nose pointed up.
"Engage main thrusters, ten percent power. Ten percent is the maximum power output we can have near YWS Station. Any faster is considered unsafe. Any questions?"
"What is spherical coordinates again?"
"Is this going to be on a test?"
"I forgot my pencil."
"Enough!" Grif shouted, silencing the recruits. For a moment, the only sound was the soft humming of the electronics.
"Spherical coordinates just talk about where something is in relation to the ship. Extend your arm and point it straight ahead of you." Grif did this and the crew also did so.
"This demonstrates the dimension "r." In this case, r is fixed since your arm is a fixed distance away. Now, instead of pointing straight ahead, point your arm to the left or right. The angle formed by this motion is known as phi. The angle goes from -180 to +180. Or if numbers don't strike you, the angle goes from pointing behind you with your left hand to pointing behind you with your right hand."
"Now, point straight ahead again. Instead of pointing side to side, we're going to point up and down. When you raise your arm, you form a certain angle. This angle is referred to as "theta." In fact, since r is the same, whenever we point side to side or up and down, we're forming phi and theta angles. Now comes the tricky part."
"So far we've been dealing with very specific motions, left to right, up and down. To make diagonal motions, you simply combine the horizontal and vertical motions. So, something that has the coordinates (5,90,0) is ahead of you five units, directly overhead. Whereas the coordinates (5,0,90) is not elevated and to your right. Notice that the coordinate (5,90,90) does not exist. The position of the object you're describing will never simultaneously be at your zenith and right five units. That, in a nut shell, is spherical coordinates."
There was silence.
"Is it just me, or did that actually make sense?" Jabber said.
"No way! I understand it perfectly!" PenguinAttack said.
"All right then, when we're talking about navigation positions, we're using full spherical coordinates. When we're talking about course corrections, we'll just use theta and phi angles. So (9,30,-50) is a position vector, while (-40,15) is just a direction vector. Adelaide?"
"Yes?"
"Set course, to (0,180) then reset bearings. Resetting the bearings just means that we change our point of reference from YWS station to our ship. Distance from YWS Station?"
"We're outside the safe zone; 89 kilometers."
"Good, bring thrusters up to 60%. Plot a course for the coordinates Nate gave us and then match bearings. That's enough for now. If you have questions you can ask them, if not, you can return to your quarters," Grif said. |
_________________
I retired from Big Brother on November 11th.
On November 12th, I started showing up and having good ideas again.
What is wrong with me? |
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Jaliayh101
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 30 Mar 2008
Posts: 33
Reviews: 21
300 Points
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| Posted: Sat May 10, 2008 9:00 pm Post subject: weird |
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this story was so weird as i read it seemed
like everything was just he was the only
human on bored and blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah
bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb
llllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbllllllllllaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh
bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb
lllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll
oh and did i mention bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb
llllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh |
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*Writing is a good way to express your feelings and step into a new universe* |
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Meshugenah
kicking plot into submission
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Joined: 06 Dec 2004
Posts: 2882
Reviews: 346
Country: Essayville.
663 Points
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| Posted: Sat May 10, 2008 9:49 pm Post subject: |
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I'm kind of scared. You used actual chat stuff in this! That's awesome and frightening at the same time. Though, it felt like I was in calc again, rather. Not what I was expecting walking into a SPEW story.
By the way, MORE COMMANDOS!
/spew |
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(Sadistic Perplexion of Everyone's Wits)
@(^_^)@ Got YWS? |
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Kitty15
The Protector of the Prophecy
Writer of Legend
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1343 Points
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| Posted: Sat May 10, 2008 11:55 pm Post subject: |
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This is developing really well, Griff. The humour is spot on and your inclusion of YWS members and back-stories makes for a fantastic read but I would like to see more description and characterization. Even a fan-fic benefits from a sense of atmosphere and setting.
You had a few typos and the odd grammar mistake but I'm sure a quick proof read will catch those and the only part I didn't really enjoy was the maths lesson but then, I hate maths.
I look forward to future installments. |
_________________
Lest hope corrupt your foolish heart,
quick cast her out and let depart
the acrid whims of angel's wings
which clutch at twisted puppet strings. |
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Griffinkeeper
Storybook Godfather
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Joined: 02 Apr 2005
Posts: 3811
Reviews: 665
Country: USA
319 Points
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| Posted: Sun May 11, 2008 8:45 pm Post subject: Re: weird |
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| Jaliayh101 wrote: |
this story was so weird as i read it seemed
like everything was just he was the only
human on bored and blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah
bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb
llllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbllllllllllaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh
bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb
lllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll
oh and did i mention bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb
llllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh |
Wow, this is the most awesome critique I've ever received. It was like blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah
bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb
llllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbllllllllllaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh
bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb
lllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll
Don't forget the part where you said
"bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb
llllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"
With input like this I can so totally reach the literary pinnacle of YWS. The detail, the expression, the whole sense of blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah
bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb
llllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbllllllllllaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh
bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb
lllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll
llllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Truly inspiring. Great review, keep writing.
P.S. blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah
bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb
llllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbllllllllllaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh
bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb
lllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll
llllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh |
_________________
I retired from Big Brother on November 11th.
On November 12th, I started showing up and having good ideas again.
What is wrong with me? |
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lyrical_sunshine
δυναμις
Master of the Forum
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Posts: 1353
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Country: YOUR FACE!!! *bursts out laughing*
792 Points
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| Posted: Thu May 22, 2008 3:33 am Post subject: |
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Oooh, SHUT DOWN!!!
Sorry, I had to.
This is just fun, Gryph. Keep it up! |
_________________
"I am their lawyer, and THIS is my necktie!"
~iCarly
"Stories are light. Light is precious in a world so dark. Begin at the beginning. Make some light." ~Kate DiCamillo |
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Griffinkeeper
Storybook Godfather
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319 Points
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| Posted: Thu May 29, 2008 7:37 am Post subject: |
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2200 Hours April 7th, 2008
SPEW Gryphon II
In Transit
PenguinAttack woke up and looked around. The room was barren, except for the bunk. She jumped down from the top, onto a smooth floor. Everything had been packed away into compartments to save space. Unfortunately, she didn't remember how to retrieve them.
"Adelaide?"
"Yes?"
"Could you tell me how to open the closet?"
"Just move your hand over the wall. It will open them." Penguin did this and lights appeared, indicating panels.
"Which panel has my clothes?"
"The one on the lower left." Penguin bent down and pressed a button.
"Your other left."
"Right," Penguin said.
"No, left," Adelaide corrected. Penguin ignored this and dressed quickly. The clothes were issued for space. She looked at herself in the reflector and frowned.
"Adelaide, these jumpsuits look terrible."
"Then Grif did a good job. He wanted them to be unattractive."
"What do you mean?"
"Simple. He learned that tight pants lead to higher sexual tension. So, he designed the clothing to be as ugly as possible, while still being functional," Adelaide said.
"What's wrong with sexual tension?"
"It makes people stupid."
"He must be pretty smart."
"He has his moments. You'll want to hurry up, I'm not sure how long Grif will be off the bridge," Adelaide said. Penguin found the door and slid out. The trip to the bridge was uneventful. Adelaide did a lot to help, by illuminating panels and doors. Soon, Penguin found herself on the bridge. It was empty, full of displays and control panels.
"Okay, so you're going to be in charge of navigation. The navigation controls are over there."
"Why navigation?"
"Your math scores."
"I said that 2+2=5."
"It's true under certain circumstances. Math can work illogically and still come up with a true answer. Your illogical math scores are what qualified you to be navigation. Tap that display three times to activate it."
"Okay."
"The display you see now is the navigation display. Using them, we can move the Gryphon wherever we want.
"That's IT?"
"The controls aren't complicated, but the maneuvers can be quite complicated. Half your job is pre-programming courses and maneuvers. That way, you only have to press a routine called "Crazy Ivan" instead of having to press every button to make it happen."
The bridge door opened suddenly and Grif came in.
"What's going on?" Grif asked.
"Just instructing Penguin on the navigation console," Adelaide answered.
"Great. I want you to work with her to create a flight plan. You have our search grid, I want a path that will cover the most area the fastest, without slamming us into some planet or crashing through a star. Think you can handle that?" Grif asked. Penguin shook her head.
"Well, that's why you have Adelaide. She'll show you how," Grif said. He looked around a few seconds more, before returning to his cabin. |
_________________
I retired from Big Brother on November 11th.
On November 12th, I started showing up and having good ideas again.
What is wrong with me?
Last edited by Griffinkeeper on Fri Jun 06, 2008 5:07 am; edited 1 time in total |
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Griffinkeeper
Storybook Godfather
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Posts: 3811
Reviews: 665
Country: USA
319 Points
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| Posted: Tue Jun 03, 2008 7:16 am Post subject: |
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0900 Hours April 9th, 2008
SPEW Gryphon II
In Transit
There were at least fifty people on the Gryphon, which is fourty-nine more than Grif was used to. Despite the number, Grif only needed to deal with three of them. They were Areida, Incandescence, and Adelaide. Grif wasn't sure if Adelaide was actually a person, but he figured she had personality and that was close enough. Currently, all of them were in the same room.
"I wanted to see how everything is going with your respective sections," Grif said.
"I guess everything is fine. I'm just a mathematician. Why I'm the ship's doctor, I'll never know." Incandescence said.
"I think it has something to do with that period of time where you had the Dr. House avatar. Everyone just assumed you were a cranky doctor."
"If I had a purple dinosaur avatar, would I be singing with small children?"
"Would you like me to calculate the probability of that?" Adelaide asked.
"Not necessary. Incan, you would be singing with small children. Areida?"
"We've prepped our boarding craft and begun some refresher training. We've been coordinating with Adelaide so we're not in the way. We're ready."
"Adelaide?" Grif asked.
"I've been working with the various apprentices. They have been responsive to their training. I've also been giving them subliminal training in their various posts. All systems are reacting well, as well as the crew members."
"The mission?"
"We're on course to travel by several planets in our sector. Not much to say about them until we get there. Threat levels are fairly moderate. If we encounter something, it is likely to be very strong, but the odds of that are fairly remote. If we do encounter something, we have a few options available to us."
"We can attack or we can hide."
"We'll hide. If it's friendly, then we can decloak. If not, we can watch from a distance and follow them back. I'm not looking to put any holes in the hull before the time is right."
"Aye sir," Adelaide disappeared from the console.
"Well, I think that just about concludes this meeting. If anything comes up, just let me know," Grif said, stretching his arms.
"Will you? This ride has been nothing but boring," Incandescence said.
"Grif, we're receiving a transmission, there is a corvette under attack. Apparently it has been heavily damaged and is in need of immediate assistance," Adelaide reported.
"Get us there. How long until we can get there," Grif asked.
"Five hours," Adelaide said.
"If they survive that long it will be a miracle," Areida said.
"How many space battles last five hours?" Incandescence wondered out loud.
"I rather prefer boring," Grif said. |
_________________
I retired from Big Brother on November 11th.
On November 12th, I started showing up and having good ideas again.
What is wrong with me? |
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Kitty15
The Protector of the Prophecy
Writer of Legend
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Reviews: 1324
Country: England
1343 Points
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| Posted: Tue Jun 03, 2008 2:33 pm Post subject: |
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The last two sections are good but I think you need to add just a little bit more description, like show us how the clothes are ugly rather than telling us. I'm sure you can at least describe the colour and also, are they uncomfortable to wear? In what way are they ultimately practical? Are they, rather than being baggy, really bulky so that they're tight against the skin to make movement easier but don't appear to be because of all the padding?
Also, you need to add more dialogue tags (preferably with actions and body movements) so that people who aren't familiar with the characters in your fan-fic know who is speaking. Remember, newer members of YWS might read this and they'll not be able to discern the characters until they're familiar with them. You and I might recognise a sentence as having been said by Brad because of the wit and sarcasm used but others might not.
And then just a few minor suggestions:
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"Could you tell me how to open the closet?"
"Just move your hands over the wall. It will open them." |
I think you need to change it to read either '...open the closet doors?"' or '...over the wall and it will open."' because otherwise, you have a singular term and then a plural term...
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| "Get us there. How long until we can get there," Grif asked. |
[I'd suggest making the two sentences into one. Something like: 'How long will it take you to get us there?' just for the sake of avoiding Grif sounding a little repetetive.]
Hope this helps a little. Feel free to pm me if any of it doesn't make sense and keep up the good work! xx |
_________________
Lest hope corrupt your foolish heart,
quick cast her out and let depart
the acrid whims of angel's wings
which clutch at twisted puppet strings. |
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