Jasmine Hart
Laced With Darkness
Speaker of the Forum
Gender: 
Age: 19
Joined: 03 Jun 2007
Posts: 786
Reviews: 318
Country: Ireland
300 Points
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 Posted: Sun May 18, 2008 8:58 pm Post subject: |
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This is really great Kit. It's fresh and interesting, I love your use of pauses and the likes, and think the two voices work well alone and together. I'm being a finiky rhythm head tonight, so I'm just going to go ahead and play with rhythm and line breaks, and hope that you'll forgive me. It may go veery wrong, as, obviously, I don't know how this sounds with muic, but, just reading it, I want to tweak it a little so it flows better;
"Siren 1: Dear sister
- look at me - let me speak,
on matters of the heart.
I think you'll find that I have some
wisdom to impart. (The beginning is good and got my attention)
Siren 2: That's as may be, my sister dear,
but times have changed, the pages turned.
Please forgive me of my faults;
let the memories be burned.
I will die___
[spoken]: I will die to set him free. (This is chilling. Love it.)
Siren 1: Listen to me for a while -
You don't know what you say,
your words are being commanded:
part of someone else's play. (the flow here is really good)
Don't be a fool, my darling, don't
don't go dancing with these notions, (lovely)
always filled with fears; emotions! (I think this line is a little weak)
Beyond these homely oceans
is no life for you.
Love's nothing true. (this last line could be stronger)
Love's but a lie; a tainted substance
and a poison -
meant for drinking, not for tasting,
meant for using - but with caution! (I love what you're saying but I just can't get my head around the flow here. Maybe try saying/singing it so you can get a sense of how it sounds and should sound.)
We've been such fools, me and you,
tempting fate with handsome faces,
witty minds and -
Siren 2: -Empty places.
So lonely, so lonely, so alone.
Oh how can I endure this -
life without him all amiss,
such pain that only love... may eclipse. (I love this bit. It flows well and for some reason the rhyme gave me the impression of mounting desperation)
Siren 1: Then keep him here -- with us --
And don't let him leave your lips.
be his master not his mistress -
don't go taking take chances
thinking he will follow kisses; (These four lines are great)
love takes what it will,
doesn't ask who you are
or what you've been through. (Interesting sentiment well expressed)
Siren 2: Then let love take me,
let him hold my hand.
Siren 1: But he will forsake you;
I don't understand. Siren 2: Can't you understand?
Siren 2: Love is like a melody and
someone sings beside you. (This is a bit sweet for my taste, but you know how I get, so you're probably best to ignore me...)
When you're in danger or in trouble,
Siren 1: I'm singing, sister dear.
they're always right beside you.
Siren 1: Dear sister, right beside you. (I enjoyed the repetition of "beside you", it gave a good sense of the connection between them)
Siren 2: Oh sister, dear, I don't sing for me.
He's in love with her
and she with him.
They should be together, writing melodies forever;
he should hold her hand
while standing right beside her
and both would understand. (I think this stanza is a little weak. I'd try using more imagery and readdress the flow.)
Siren 1: I still don't understand.
Siren 1: Will you drown her with this fate?
Just think what love has done to you;
how quick it turns to hate.
preserve her life and happy memory -
don't set him free.
Do her a favor, without him, she'll pull through. (Love it. Aw, my cynic-self is all happy again  )
Siren 2: She'll pull through...
Siren 1: Better off without him
but I need you. (I'd pause here)
Love is sometimes true.
Siren 2: Love is nothing true.
Siren 2: Love is but a lie; a tainted substance
and a poison -
meant for drinking, not for tasting, (This is a great line)
meant for using -
Siren 1: but with caution!
Both: We've been such fools, me and you,
tempting fate with handsome faces,
Siren 1: witty minds and romance traces (romance traces? I don't get it...think it sounds a little forced.)
Siren 2: Empty places not empty any more;
but now we're through.
Siren 2: now we're through.
Both: He'll be the last of a long line of men,
stranded on shore on a paradise isle. "
Hope this helps.
Jas |
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"How poetic you are,' she said, "I have a notion that poetry is the highest form of self-deception." - Gregory Maguire |
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