Topic ID: 28723
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Kylan
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 Posted: Sat Apr 12, 2008 3:29 pm Post subject: Of Woodpushers and Sacred Hearts |
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This was written for NaPoWriMo, and I rather liked it. So I'm posting it here for all the world to see. Tell me how you like it.
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Creased Japanese cherry blossoms
fall at Saint Peter's feet
like ivory tear drops,
pirouetting from the coarse and wiry hair of an arbor bride
like some disjointed wedding train.
Saint Peter, exhaling these blossoms,
groans as the products of suburban rebellion
grind along his metatarsal bones
with wires bleeding from their ears.
On pockmarked wheels, they
glide through snow drifts of cherry blossoms,
kicking back, flipping up,
arching over well-worn granite stair steps
(a perfect bell-curve of sweat and grunts)
their feet executing a Riverdance in mid-air.
But over-calculated.
To a symphony of guitars and bass and drums that shatter cherry blossoms
(Numbing minds like audio injected Novocaine)
a youthful product of society's iron grasp,
loses his wheels and crumples to the ground
lying there gasping along with the cherry blossoms
which caress his face with
sweet whispers of Saint Peter's disapproval. |
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Last edited by Kylan on Sat Apr 12, 2008 7:06 pm; edited 2 times in total |
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Medusa
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| Posted: Sat Apr 12, 2008 4:48 pm Post subject: Re: Of Woodpushers and Sacred Hearts |
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Let me tell you my favorite bit to begin with:
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groans as the product of suburban rebellion
grinds along his metatarsal bones
with snaking wires bleeding from their ears.
On pockmarked wheels |
I absolutely love the vivid imagery--the suburban rebellion is a great phrase for the contradiction it seems to imply. Snaking wires bleeding from the bones is also very powerfully put.
The only true critiquish comment I could make is on
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| To a symphony of guitars and bass and drums that shatter cherry blossoms |
I understand the purpose was, in fact, to inject a lengthy but purposeful sentance here--however I think it can be cleaned up by removing the repetition of "cherry blossom" which can become quite redundant.
Overall, a great NaPoWriMo entry. Good job! |
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Fandilocks
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| Posted: Sat Apr 12, 2008 6:11 pm Post subject: |
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Creased Japanese cherry blossoms
fall at Saint Peter's feet
like ivory tear drops,
pirouetting from the coarse and wiry hair of an arbor bride
like some disjointed wedding train. |
Wow. The imagery here is stunning. I have to tell you, just this first stanza makes me eternally grateful; your poem's elegance is a breath of fresh air after some of the crap in the forums these days.
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Saint Peter, exhaling these delicate cherry blossoms,
groans as the product of suburban rebellion
grinds along his metatarsal bones
with snaking wires bleeding from their ears. |
This is a little heavy on the descriptors. I'd try to trim it down; the verbs in here are already strong enough to stand on their own without needing adjective-crutches. I'd suggest:
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Saint Peter, exhaling these blossoms, groans
as the product of suburban rebellion grinds
along his metatarsals with wires bleeding from his ears. |
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| their feet executing a Riverdance in mid-air. |
Hm. I don't know that I like the use of the word "Riverdance" here. Technically, it's called "Irish step dancing," which, yes, I realise is not exactly conducive to good poetry. A bit too clunky, da? I'd suggest rewriting that line.
This line isn't quite strong enough to stand on its own.
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To a symphony of guitars and bass and drums that shatter cherry blossoms
(Numbing minds like audio injected Novocaine)
a youthful product of society's iron grasp,
loses his wheels and crumples to the ground
lying there gasping along with the cherry blossoms |
There's something bothering me about the line breaks in this stanza, but I can't tell you what; also, I'm uncertain about the line in the parentheses. I'm not sure that it adds much that isn't already there.
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which caress his face with
sweet whispers of Saint Peter's disapproval. |
This ending I do like. It's simple, perfect, subtle. Bravo! |
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blacktiger3915
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| Posted: Sat Apr 12, 2008 7:34 pm Post subject: |
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Wow!!!!!!!!!!!! Great poem! I want to steal this please.   Just kiddin'.  |
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whence
look, it's a whence.
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| Posted: Mon Apr 14, 2008 5:27 am Post subject: |
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My main gripe with this is that it is too image dependent. Er, yeah. Maybe I'll give a more thorough crit later... for now, sorry about my briefness XD
~Ed |
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I'm reminding myself to crit this |
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Jadeite
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| Posted: Mon Apr 14, 2008 6:04 am Post subject: |
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Bravo! Very grand job on this poem. Greatly written, good flow and well worded.
My favorite line from the poem is:
'glide through snow drifts of cherry blossoms,'
Very good description in your poem. Excellent work! |
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