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Untouched ch 10
Untouched ch 10

by jasmine12 in Other Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Other Fiction

This thread was created on April 11, 2008
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Shadowy Intentions (Read and review, puh-leeze!)
Topic ID: 28696
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Sela Locke   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 11, 2008 11:02 pm    Post subject: Shadowy Intentions (Read and review, puh-leeze!) Reply with quote

It wasn’t Keylaia’s fault. She’d just been running down the beach in her red tankini when it happened. She ran right into someone, and fell, hitting her head on a sizable rock.

That was her first mistake.

She felt like she was about to fall unconscious, but fought the blackness beginning to pour into her mind, trying hard to ignore the fierce pain that throbbed at the back of her head. (She sensed an odd, itchy coldness on her hand, but it soon dispersed…)

"Uhm, sorry.” She mumbled, “The sun’s in my eyes.” She squinted over at the person who was standing up slowly, and started. He was smiling, his dark blue eyes twinkling in the bright sun.

“Quite a’right, I wasn’t looking where I was going either.” Keylaia noticed he had a slight Australian accent. Blushing, she pulled herself up, watching as he brushed off his black-and-white trunks and shook his head, tousled brown-and-blonde streaked hair sending sand in all directions.

“I’m Keylaia. It’s, uh, nice to meet you…” Keyli (as she liked to be called) hoped her deep blush would leave soon as she offered him her hand; it was just making her more embarrassed. Okay, admittedly, she thought he was hot. Even if she was only fifteen, Keyli liked to think she had a pretty good taste in guys.

“Well, Keylaia, nice to meet you, even if the means were quite odd.”

He laughed easily, a smile filling his handsome features. “I’m Jecton, but most just call me Jec.” He took her hand, shaking it emphatically. Keyli guessed he was about nineteen or twenty, but she realized it didn’t matter. She’d never see him again.

“Well, I have to go. I’m sort of watching my little sis. ‘Bye!” She ran off down the beach, trying hard to look cool, although she doubted she looked anything but silly and obviously embarrassed.

“A’right then, g’bye, Keylaia!” he stumbled over her name, and she rolled her eyes. He had pronounced it Kee-lay-ay, as did most of the people she met. It was properly pronounced, (as far as she knew) Kah-lay-ya. Luckily, most people just called her Keyli, which was quite easy to pronounce. Shaking her head to rid herself of these random thoughts, she heard her mother call her name.

“Keyli, time to go!”

Aww, already? They’d only been there about an hour. She glanced at her hands to make sure they didn’t need to be rinsed off before they left, and jumped. On her right hand, in clear, green ink, a seven digit number lay, glittering in the sun. She realized it was the one she’d used to shake Jecton’s hand. Feeling odd, she ran up the beach, and jumped into the car, not paying attention to anything but her right hand. Was it Jec’s number, or had one of her sisters written seven random numbers on her palm when they were bored? It seemed like an odd coincidence, but for the moment she brushed away any thoughts of calling the number to check it. It was probably for the best if it washed away, especially since her mother would be very disturbed if she thought her oldest daughter was calling a guy she’d (literally) run into at the beach on their vacation. Keyli sighed. She’d liked Jec.



Last edited by Sela Locke on Mon Apr 14, 2008 1:15 am; edited 3 times in total
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Alainna   View This User's Portfolio
wake me up when september ends...
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 12, 2008 11:29 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hello and welcome to YWS.

First off, should this be in Romantic Fiction? I may be presuming that this will turn into a romance, but otherwise it's fine where you have posted it.

Secondly, there's nothing wrong with the font you have used but it is much harder to read and crit as replying to it makes it go a bit....funny. Perhaps just use the default font in the future. Wink

Quote:
(ruby red, her favorite color)

Don't feel like you have to put your description in brackets - weave it into the rest of the sentence.

Quote:
(which was occupied by tousled, dark brown hair with a few random blonde streaks)

Again, try to incorporate this with the rest of your writing instead of in brackets.

Quote:
Keyli (as she liked to be called

A bit of an odd way of introducing this to the reader. Perhaps try to get this information known to the reader through dialog or some other means rather than brackets.

Overall, there were hardly any noticeable mistakes to this piece (which is great) but you need to put in a bit more description and use a few more literary techniques. As a reader we want to be told everything about the scene and the characters, but in an interesting way. What time of year is it? What does the mother look/sound like? Etc.

Keep it up and pm me if you want me to critique anymore that you post.

Alainna
xxxx

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ink_on_fire   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 12, 2008 11:45 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey Smile

First off, the font you have used is hard to read. Don't let the reader strain their eyes. Smile

Secondly, I just want to point out a few things.

Quote:
he had a very pleasant Australian accent


Fair enough Smile but wait...

Quote:
“Oh, yes, quite! Good bye, Keylaia!


Sorry..but Aussies don't talk like that. At all. That's more English...the whole 'Ah, yes, quite' thing.
And Aussies certainly don't say 'good bye' like that. Smile Trust any Australian to cut it down to a 3 syllable 'Yep, cya'.

Get us Aussies straight Wink lol

Quote:
her (ruby red, her favorite color) tankini


You have put the parentheses in before we know what you are talking about Confused And I don't think this information has any bearing to the story at all. Cut it. Smile You'll feel better lol don't worry.

Skipping downa bit...
Quote:
they didn’t need to be rinsed off before they left, and jumped.


Jumped? You have already used this a few times and don't you think you could find something a little more descriptive?

Work on it a bit Smile
And never give up Very Happy

Peace V Razz

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Sela Locke   View This User's Portfolio
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Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 13
Joined: 11 Apr 2008
Posts: 146
Reviews: 80
Country: A place where people aren't very smart.
532 Points

PostPosted: Sat Apr 12, 2008 5:53 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks!
Yes, I'll look it over. ^^

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The voice was annoying, like someone she knew and didn’t particularly like was poking her with a sharp stick.
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Sela Locke   View This User's Portfolio
Senior Writer

80
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 13
Joined: 11 Apr 2008
Posts: 146
Reviews: 80
Country: A place where people aren't very smart.
532 Points

PostPosted: Sun Apr 13, 2008 7:38 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ooh, here's the thing, Ink. (Can I call you that?)
See, he actually only has a slight Aussie accent, but I missed that when I edited. But I still fixed it up a bit. I'll put it on tomorrow. Very Happy

-Sela

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The voice was annoying, like someone she knew and didn’t particularly like was poking her with a sharp stick.
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ink_on_fire   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sun Apr 13, 2008 8:25 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ah Smile

Fair enough lol.

V Razz
Inky

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Sela Locke   View This User's Portfolio
Senior Writer

80
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 13
Joined: 11 Apr 2008
Posts: 146
Reviews: 80
Country: A place where people aren't very smart.
532 Points

PostPosted: Wed Apr 16, 2008 4:20 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yeah, this was just a random thingamabobber.
I'm writing an actual story, it's called 'Ancient Lies' right now it's in Action/Adventure, but someone might move it. Maybe not, though. xD Please read it, and review!

-Sela

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The voice was annoying, like someone she knew and didn’t particularly like was poking her with a sharp stick.
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