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Flemzo
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 Posted: Thu Apr 10, 2008 1:09 am Post subject: Ten Weeks |
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My entry for the instructors "On Fire" contest. Inspired by picture #1
Ten Weeks
Ten weeks ago, my hands would be shaking
In anticipation of what I'm about to do.
The cigarette quivering in my mouth
As I bring the flame to the tip.
The initial inhalation of smoke
Throws me into a coughing fit,
But there's something intriguing about it
As I bring it back for a second drag.
The first time, and the last, I said
As I flicked the ashes off the end,
After this, I'm through.
Here I am, ten weeks later.
I've been jonesing for this moment all day.
The familiar smell of smoke fills my nose,
The familiar taste of bitter crud stings my tongue,
And I tell myself, Today, I'm done forever,
While knowing all along that tomorrow
Has a better chance of following through.
It's amazing what a difference ten weeks makes. |
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[deleted1]
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| Posted: Thu Apr 10, 2008 1:58 am Post subject: Re: Ten Weeks |
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| Flemzo wrote: |
My entry for the instructors "On Fire" contest. Inspired by picture #1
Ten Weeks
Ten weeks ago, my hands would be shaking
In anticipation of what I'm about to do.
The cigarette quivering in my mouth
As I bring the flame to the tip.
The initial inhalation of smoke
Throws me into a coughing fit,
But there's something intriguing about it
As I bring it back for a second drag.
The first time, and the last, I said
As I flicked the ashes off the end,
After this, I'm through.
Here I am, ten weeks later.
I've been jonesing for this moment all day.
The familiar smell of smoke fills my nose,
The familiar taste of bitter crud stings my tongue,
And I tell myself, Today, I'm done forever,
While knowing all along that tomorrow
Has a better chance of following through.
It's amazing what a difference ten weeks makes. |
I really liked this. I love the rhythm and rhyming. I think this would go better in "Other Poetry". I don't see anything dramatic in this. In one line, the rhythm kind of fades but picks up right away. I'll quote it for you.
| Quote: |
| Throws me into a coughing fit, |
Try to insert "in" instead of "into". That keeps the rhythm going.
Also, I think that quotation marks should be inserted in some lines. I'll quote them.
| Quote: |
| "After this, I'm through." |
| Quote: |
| "Today, I'm done forever" |
Other than that, it's really good. Keep up the excellent work, Flem!
-Rick. |
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Maki-Chan
Atama Kata hiza ashi, hiza ashi!
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| Posted: Thu Apr 10, 2008 3:32 am Post subject: |
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| nice job, I thought it was pretty well written. Well done ^_^ |
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ink_on_fire
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| Posted: Thu Apr 10, 2008 3:47 am Post subject: |
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Good stuff 
Love this bit
| Quote: |
The first time, and the last, I said
As I flicked the ashes off the end,
After this, I'm through. |
The mixture of action and thought makes it easy to relate to.
Love it
Peace V |
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Sythe
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| Posted: Thu Apr 10, 2008 3:51 am Post subject: |
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Cool. This is so true. Freaking drugs, haha.
I really liked this poem - I figure it's the best on the site that I've read so far. And that's saying something! I really liked it. The beat was really good and the wording - just congrats!
I really need something constructive to say... um...
I can't. It's just too brilliant.
:Sythe: |
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