Topic ID: 28546
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Lady of Fire
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 Posted: Fri Apr 11, 2008 3:40 pm Post subject: |
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| this is really good. a few unnatural sentences but besides that, it really drew me in. i can't wait to read more. |
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Maki-Chan
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| Posted: Fri Apr 11, 2008 9:09 pm Post subject: |
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| thanks! ^_^ I'm working on chapter 1. Its getting easier now, so the wait won't be much longer. |
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ashleylee
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| Posted: Fri Apr 11, 2008 9:31 pm Post subject: |
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Hey!
First, I found this enjoyable. But before I start rambling, I'll start with the nit-picks so I don't get off track.
These are the things I noticed:
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| In order to save another life, would I have to exchange in my own? |
I think you need to change the end of this. It sounded odd to me. Maybe switch this to something like In order to save another life, would I have to exchange my own life for another?
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| The truth could not be hidden, I was just lying to myself. I didn't know why though, perhaps it would make dying a little bit more easier |
The end of this one was worded funny too. Also, I think you should make this into a few seperate sentences. I would say something like The truth could not be hidden. I was just lying to myself. I didn't know why, though. Perhaps it would make dying a little easier.
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| For someone I didn't love, but that didn't stop my body from moving. |
I thought this sentence was awkward. You started out good but then the sentence kind of changed. I don't really know how to explain it. Maybe make it into two different sentences because you talk about two different things here. I don't know. Maybe it's just me. 
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| Using my own flesh as a shield, giving up all my hopes and dreams. |
I put this in here only because I thought it was really cool.
*beams as I reread the sentence again*
Okay, I thought this was really good. PM me when you put another part of this on here!
Hope this helps!  |
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Last edited by ashleylee on Fri Apr 11, 2008 9:35 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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OverEasy
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| Posted: Fri Apr 11, 2008 9:34 pm Post subject: |
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| ashleylee wrote: |
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| In order to save another life, would I have to exchange in my own? |
I think you need to change the end of this. It sounded odd to me. Maybe switch this to something like [b]In order to save another life, would I have to exchange my own for another?
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I really disagree with this, I think the line is much more effective before.
And also I really like it, let me know when you post the first chapter |
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Maki-Chan
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| Posted: Fri Apr 11, 2008 9:40 pm Post subject: |
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Hurray. I liked this part too ^_^
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| Using my own flesh as a shield, giving up all my hopes and dreams. |
I'll fix her up. And chapter 1 is on the way ^_^ |
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PsychicNinja
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| Posted: Tue Apr 15, 2008 12:59 am Post subject: |
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Okay, I'm here as resquested. ^_~
I shall...crit like always!
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| The blade pierced into my chest shedding a thousand crimson tear drops onto the ground. |
I love this sentence. My only problem with it is "tear". I mean, it works very well as I think about it, but it is also unnecessary. It reminds me of...well, a tear. So I'm thinking here of a bloody tear drop. I'm not so sure it works perfectly (you might be able to find a even better word). But, that sentence is very good.
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| As the sounds of screams echoed through out the empty room, I wondered- had it truly been worth it? |
For more effect, I would use a colon instead of a hyphen. Like: "As the sounds of screams echoed through out the empty room, I wonder: Had it truly been worth it?"
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| I hadn't realized that the questions in my head, were actually being asked by him. |
Because of the next sentence, I think that this sentence should be in the previous paragraph. I sorta lump it into that you say that "I hadn't realized that the questions in my head, were actually being asked by him (so the character wouldn't know), and in the next sentence you talk about responding. I don't think you wanted to be connected, since you say "I hadn't realized" and then "I tried to respond." It makes me think that the character is trying to respond to that previous thought...which wouldn't work. Does this make sense? It's kinda hard to explain.
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| The truth could not be hidden, I was just lying to myself. |
I love this sentence.
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| If I believed I died for something. For someone I didn't love, but that didn't stop my body from moving. |
I believe it would sound better like this: "If I believed I died for something. For someone I didn't love. But that didn't stop my body from moving." The "but" doesn't really connect those two ideas.
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| Using my own flesh as a shield, giving up all my hopes and dreams. |
I'm not 100% certain, but instead of a comma there needs to be a semicolon.
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| The pools of blood around me soon vanished as the floor absorbed them, erasing their presence. |
Instead of "floor", you need to use another word. "Floor" reminds me of like tile or hardwood. You should say "ground" or "soil", or even a better word. "Floor" doesn't work.
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This is very, very nice, Maki-chan. It has good imagery. It's pretty short and just a prologue, so there's nothing else to say. I"ll crit chapter 1 soon.
~the great Psychic Ninja, Timea |
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Maki-Chan
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| Posted: Thu Apr 17, 2008 1:29 am Post subject: |
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| thanks for checking this out. I'm glad you liked it Timea. ^_^ |
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Summerless
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| Posted: Sun Apr 27, 2008 11:56 pm Post subject: |
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| The blade pierced into my chest shedding a thousand crimson tear drops onto the ground. |
Tear drops is one word. I liked that part a lot. :]
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| The blade pierced into my chest shedding a thousand crimson teardrops onto the ground. |
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| I hadn't realized that the questions in my head, were actually being asked by him. |
The comma should be omitted.
Else than that the prologue sounded very clandestine and mystifying. I can't wait to read more of this! |
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Maki-Chan
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| Posted: Mon Apr 28, 2008 2:28 am Post subject: |
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| Summerless I have chapter 1 down. Its not very good, but chapter 2 is going to be a lot better. ^_^ |
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Samurai123321
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| Posted: Tue May 27, 2008 12:20 am Post subject: |
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WOW! this is really good! I just love it. My favorite part was this one.
The blade pierced into my chest shedding a thousand crimson tear drops onto the ground.
its a really strong start. I really like the way you used crimson tear drops to represent blood. ^_^
Bravo. |
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