Stop The Scrolling Header | Enable the Scrolling Header

Firefox 3

News:  

Let The Games Begin: The Writing Olympics!

Event #5 Results!
Username:    Password:      Log me on automatically each visit    
A hopeless suker
A hopeless suker

by BATCHICK785 in Fantasy Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fantasy Fiction

This thread was created on April 6, 2008
Post new topic   Reply to topic
Digg It Del.icio.us

Related Items
Possible Related Items Follow:
Blank - Chapter 1
Blank - Chapter 3
Blank - Chapter 4
Blank - Chapter 5
Blank - Chapter 6
Blank - Chapter 7

Blank - Chapter 2
Topic ID: 28365
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
Kenpachi Masamune   View This User's Portfolio
Senior Writer

74
Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 20
Joined: 27 Mar 2008
Posts: 140
Reviews: 74

300 Points

PostPosted: Sun Apr 06, 2008 4:09 am    Post subject: Blank - Chapter 2 Reply with quote

Author's note: This time we take a look into two of Sage Sevil's memories. A short chapter, but nevertheless a flashback to his shock and resolve that he must build to follow through with the promise discussed in this chapter. As well the feelings he has for her. While Sevil doesn't come out and admit it, the deeper connection is hinted at here. The two flashbacks have first person narrative beginnings, but are remembered in third person. Just for those of you who question the prose and who is ultimately telling the story.

=========

Chapter Two – Memories of Sage Serena

The little angel that had lead me astray and then saved my life was Sage Serena. A girl with a fiery spirit and a love of adventure, disillusioned with the world. It was one giant dream come true for her, it was my skepticism and fear prevented me from following her.

“What do you mean you want to stay! Sevil! You won't come with me?” growled Serena, pressing her index finger into his chest. “It's been nine years. You are the only one that I truly know! Will you let me go off all alone?”

Sevil shook his head and looked away from Serena's piercing stare, arms on her hips, leaning into him, “If I recall correctly that didn't stop you last time.”

Gasping in shock, Serena didn't know whether to hit him or run away in tears. Rooted to the spot, she closed her eyes in anger and sadness, “Fine! When you come for me, you won't find me. Even a single day is too late. You left me all alone for a year, in the mountains. I waited so long for you...”

“I had no idea, I was scared!” he whimpered.

Serena jumped off the boulder and started off for Fian at full stride, “I didn't realize you were such a crybaby-”

Sevil jumped off the boulder and ran after Serena, “I am sorry! I'll do anything.”

“Come with me.” demanded Serena. Turning around to face Sevil, her long brown hair twirling as she spun on the spot and raised her finger to point at him again.

Continuing past her without a glance behind, Sevil shook his head, “Except that. I don't like adventure or danger as much as you. I've had enough for one lifetime, in fact...a dozen lifetimes.”

“Then a promise. Can you manage that?” she said softly, reserved and unsure of herself.

Turning around to face her, he nodded and asked, “What kind of promise?”

Serena brushed black her brown hair and clasped her hands together in front of her stomach, “Since you won't come with me, I want you to promise...”

“Promise...” he repeated.

“If I should ever be unable to continue on, I want you to be the one to take my life.” Serena said with both eyes staring serenely into his.

“I promise, but you have to promise the same thing.”

Serena quickly said with a grateful smile, “I promise. I'll be back in a couple of years to see you. Maybe then you will be ready. Oh, and don't go home without me. Cause I really will kill you if you aren't there to welcome me back.”

The night Serena left was sudden and unannounced, she was determined to make it on her own wherever she went. Following the wind and her heart, but leaving the smallest part behind with me. Back then, the two of us shared a small home, which was unorthodox given the custom, but the two of us were not exactly normal children. We lived together for eight years after the elders approval, on special conditions that even I could not understand. Serena had taught me, but it was many years after her leave before I became fluent in the language, which I relished over English.

The full moon was rising slowly into the sky outside of the window as the silhouette of Serena crossed in front of it. She swayed back and forth, peering out the window, the light of the moon flickering on my face with each rock of her head, stirring me from sleep. The pale light faintly shone upon her back and hair, casting her outline against the darkness of the room.

“Serena. What are you doing?” he yawned and rubbed the sleep from his eyes.

“Sevil, I am leaving tonight, but I couldn't leave without saying goodbye to you...” she turned around and looked to the boy still half asleep in his bed, she leaned over him and planted a soft kiss onto his cheek.

“Ser-”

“Shh. Go back to bed. Sevil.” she whispered as she pulled away from him, her red face hidden by the pale light, “See you soon.”

Sage Serena left suddenly and without word, disappearing into the thick fog that crept across the mountains in the middle of the summer. Velafiar, Jibune, 15th 334. The date she left me. The date she left us. Leaving the farming town behind for an adventure towards the north. Even in those days, Serena knew the risks of heading south into the Kingdom of Zar. Enslavement and torture would surely await her if she was to be captured or distinguished as a foreigner. In the land of 'Gingers' it was impossible to live amongst them.

Few words would ever reach Fian in the years after she left, only rumors and stories of a child sage performing miracles and being welcomed in the Forum of Philosophers. Salvation and justice in the form of a child god and finally, as an officer of an expeditionary force in the Kingdom of Clair.

In seven years, she had ascended to a position of importance and power. Even the church spoke highly of her, using the title 'Sage Serena, Daughter of the Order of Spirits' in prayer or ceremony to that brown haired cherub. While poor little Sage Sevil spent his time consumed in thoughts and history upon the mountains, a recluse, a hermit awaiting her return. Now upon the eve our reunion, the promise has been called upon. Without a moment for joy, she wants her blood to be spilled by her closest friend in this world, what was she thinking. She returned only to die by my hand? Maybe I knew what she was thinking, but I couldn't understand it. Not in this place, not now, but soon enough.


_________________
Blank Chapters 1-5 at:
http://kenpachimasamune.page.tl/
Check it out!

You found Ghostie! ๏̯͡๏)
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Dream of the Fayth   View This User's Portfolio
'Yawn'
Speaker of the Forum

374
Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 16
Joined: 01 Feb 2007
Posts: 530
Reviews: 374
Country: New Zealand
316 Points

PostPosted: Sun Apr 06, 2008 7:10 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey Kenpachi.

Quote:
Serena jumped off the boulder and started off for Fian at full stride, “I didn't realize you were such a crybaby-”

Sevil jumped off the boulder and ran after Serena, “I am sorry! I'll do anything.”


It's rather sudden. There isn't really enough time for Sevil to reflect on her errors to actually make the dialogue convincing.

Quote:
Serena brushed black her brown hair and clasped her hands together in front of her stomach, “Since you won't come with me, I want you to promise...”


Why mention her brown hair again?

Quote:
The night Serena left was sudden and unannounced, she was determined to make it on her own wherever she went. Following the wind and her heart, but leaving the smallest part behind with me. Back then, the two of us shared a small home, which was unorthodox given the custom, but the two of us were not exactly normal children. We lived together for eight years after the elders approval, on special conditions that even I could not understand. Serena had taught me, but it was many years after her leave before I became fluent in the language, which I relished over English.


This reads a bit like an info dump...and I couldn't really care about about her back story seems it isn't really relevant with the current situation in the plot.

Quote:
The full moon was rising slowly into the sky outside of the window as the silhouette of Serena crossed in front of it. She swayed back and forth, peering out the window, the light of the moon flickering on my face with each rock of her head, stirring me from sleep. The pale light faintly shone upon her back and hair, casting her outline against the darkness of the room.


Why a full moon when she leaves? Cliche much? I don't really get what is so mystical about a full moon in the night when a person leaves...since I've seen it been done heaps.

Quote:
The little angel that had lead me astray and then saved my life was Sage Serena. A girl with a fiery spirit and a love of adventure, disillusioned with the world. It was one giant dream come true for her, it was my skepticism and fear prevented me from following her.


This is telling...you won't need to have all this information up if you had shown us Sage Serena's character through action, dialogue, costume, thought and emotions and setting.

Quote:
Sevil shook his head and looked away from Serena's piercing stare, arms on her hips, leaning into him, “If I recall correctly that didn't stop you last time.”


Piercing stare's a cliche too.

Quote:
“Fine! When you come for me, you won't find me. Even a single day is too late. You left me all alone for a year, in the mountains. I waited so long for you...”


Why even wait then?

Quote:
Serena jumped off the boulder and started off for Fian at full stride, “I didn't realize you were such a crybaby-”

Sevil jumped off the boulder and ran after Serena, “I am sorry! I'll do anything.”


Repetition of "jump".

Quote:
I've had enough for one lifetime, in fact...a dozen lifetimes.”


This needs more elaboration. I'm interested as to what it means.


Overall impressions:

This is rather rough and bare. The major issues that I had with this was info dumping, descriptions.

A lot of information about the characters is dumped onto the reader, and quite frankly, I doesn't really allow the reader to care. Presenting so much information at one time is rather boring to read since the reader doesn't have the time to fully comprehend the characters and plot. The way that it was written was rather bare too. It is written in quite a simple and doesn't make much use of the higher level writing techniques. Worse is that certain aspects of character and plot are not elaborated on and exist only as statements.

The description focused mostly on the body, nothing else. I didn't really had a sense of the setting, it was only focused on how characters moved and their body limbs. I really want more environmental descriptions, more sensory imagery etc etc. It is boring if you keep mentioning the same types of descriptions over and over again.

Lastly is the ideas. Some of your ideas were rather cliche-ish, such as the moon scene, how the idea of "promise" is portrayed and the plot idea of one character leaving. There's really nothing wrong with using cliches...it's just that it is another reason as to why I fought this was rather a bit boring to read.

I think that should be enough for now. As a draft, I can understand as to why it is so roughly written, and I hope that this should help for now.

Andy.

_________________
"So long as I can curse your name, I shall not be defeated" - Judge Gabranth, Final Fantasy XII

Originally known as Squallz.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website MSN Messenger
Display posts from previous:   
This thread was created on April 6, 2008
Post new topic   Reply to topic
   Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fantasy Fiction All times are GMT
Page 1 of 1

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum
You can attach files in this forum
You can download files in this forum
This thread was created on April 6, 2008

Graphics By Bobo | YWS Sword & Shield Logo by Bobo
Bartemius says, The capacity of human beings to bore one another seems to be vastly greater than that of any other animal. - H. L. Mencken
Contact | Memberlist | Copyright Policy | YWS Store | Site Map
Facebook |  Goodreads |  Live Journal |  MySpace |  Wikipedia

© 2004 - 2008 The Young Writers Society