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yoha_ahoy
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 Posted: Wed Apr 02, 2008 8:07 pm Post subject: Circus Pirates 5 |
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*continued from Part 4!*
Circus Pirates - Part 5
“Landon!” Henry said.
The chimpanzee holding Angie’s hand let go and ran across the deck on all fours while screeching loudly.
I took a few steps back from the charging money. Noticing it was wearing an eye patch, I didn’t think its path would be so direct.
The monkey climbed up Henry and threw his arms around Henry’s neck. Henry hugged the chimp.
“Landon! Where have you been?” Henry said rhetorically to the monkey.
“He was trapped under an empty apple barrel,” Angie said. “I heard him whining while I was lookin’ at the maps. Bran and Bard must’ve hid him there all morning. There were six apples left in there when I last looked.”
“Did you eat those apples Landon?” Henry asked the monkey in a baby voice. The chimp nodded. Then Henry noticed me staring at them in bewilderment. “Ah, Iza, this is Landon! Landon, see Iza?” The monkey grinned at me, showing me all his yellow teeth and pink gums. He held out a furry arm to me, as if to shake hands.
I reached out and hesitantly took his hand. Landon pulled me forward and planted his monkey lips on my hand in a kissing fashion.
“Awww! Such manners Landon!” Angie said petting his head. Landon grinned again, and lolled his head back in Henry’s arms.
_____
Later that evening, Angie came into the bunkroom where I had been thinking over the afternoon. She was carrying with her a small loaf of bread.
“Hello, dear.” She walked over to the crate and lifted up the bottom edge, exposing a stash of food. “Care for an apple?” she asked nonchalantly, but with a small sly grin.
“Um, sure!” I smiled and she tossed me an apple, placed the loaf of bread underneath the crate and then sat on top of it.
“So, in case you haven’t gotten the idea yet, you’ll be sleeping in here. My bed is the bottom bunk. I can’t climb that high. I’m no’ as agile as I once was. I hope you don’t mind having bottom bunk,” Angie said.
“Are you sure I’m not intruding?” I asked.
“Oh, of course not! I didn’t have a roommate before because there aren’t any more women on board, but I don’t mind sharing with you at all. In fact, I’m glad to have a roommate. And besides, the only other alternative is in the prow of the ship in one of those pathetic hammocks and all those snoring men,” she pointed out. “You are perfectly welcome to share my bunk, as well as my snacks!”
“Thanks!”
“Of course dear. Now, tonight we are having a special dinner in the Captain’s quarters to welcome you. Everyone is so excited to meet you!”
“You mean I haven’t met everyone already?” I asked.
“Oh, no, no, no!” Angie said, as if it was supposed to be obvious. “You’ll meet all of the officers tonight. Did you think it only took a dozen people to run a tight ship?” Angie laughed.
I looked down at my feet sheepishly, stretched out across my bottom bunk. Apparently, there was a lot I had to learn about a semi-pirate ship.
“There are exactly thirty-five men on board, running this ship, that’s including Landon. And now thirty-seven members total with you and me!”
“Oh,” I said wiggling my toes in their red socks.
“You’re really new to the sea life, ain’t you girl,” Angie stated.
“Yes. Yes I am,” I sighed.
“It’s alright, hun,” she said walking over and giving me a squeeze around the shoulders with one of her huge arms. One of her arms nearly equaled the size and thickness of one of my legs.
Angie left me alone to think in peace for sometime. I felt like we were slowly becoming friends even is she was a forty-eight year-old woman. She was very motherly to me. It felt good to be protected by a woman for once. It made me miss my mother.
When the light from the porthole reached the top of the cabin door, Angie came into the cabin, grabbed my arm, and brought me out to the deck, making me cover my eyes as I passed Cookie’s kitchen. She wanted to keep the dinner a surprise.
When we came up on deck and I was allowed to look again, the sky had begun to turn navy blue and a few bright stars poked through the sky. The moon was hanging out over Europe I supposed, though no land was in sight.
“Where exactly are we?” I asked Angie.
“We’re to discuss that tonight,” she said walking towards the Captain’s door. The glass was lit orange by the lights inside.
*Part 6 is nearly finished already and should be coming soon!  * |
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Last edited by yoha_ahoy on Sat Apr 05, 2008 8:01 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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JabberHut
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| Posted: Wed Apr 02, 2008 9:05 pm Post subject: |
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Yay! It's up!! ^^
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| The monkey climbed up Henry and threw his arms around Henry’s neck. Henry hugged the chimp. |
Maybe a pronoun, or use the captain or any other title he may have. The big guy, etc. The repetition of Henry shall be mended!
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| “Did you eat those apples, Landon?” Henry asked the monkey in a baby voice. |
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| The monkey grinned at me, showing me all his yellow teeth and pink gums. |
This made me laugh. 
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| He held out a furry arm to me, [no comma] as if to shake hands. |
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Later that evening, Angie came into the bunkroom where I had been thinking over [about the afternoon. |
Just sounded better to me.. The more I read it, the more I question myself. As usual. XD
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| “Um, sure!” I smiled and she tossed me an apple, placed the loaf of bread underneath the crate, and then sat on top of it. |
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“So, in case you haven’t gotten the idea yet, you’ll be sleeping in here. My bed is the bottom bunk. I can’t climb that high. I’m no’ as agile as I once was. I hope you don’t mind having bottom top bunk,” Angie said. |
I notice you chopped off the t at the end of not, but didn't cut short any other words. I found it a bit random. 
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| “You are perfectly welcome to share my bunk, [no comma] as well as my snacks!” |
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“Oh, no, no, no!” Angie said, as if it was supposed to be obvious. |
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| “There are exactly thirty-five men on board, [no comma] running this ship, that’s including Landon. |
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| “Oh,” I said, wiggling my toes in their red socks. |
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| “You’re really new to the sea life, ain’t you girl, [question mark instead] ” Angie stated. |
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| “Yes. Yes, I am,” I sighed. |
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| “It’s alright, hun,” she said, walking over and giving me a squeeze around the shoulders with one of her huge arms. One of her arms nearly equaled the size and thickness of one of my legs. |
Hmm... *sings* Do you see what I see? Repetition must be fixed! ^_^
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I felt like we were slowly becoming friends, even is if she was a forty-eight year-old woman. |
48's a pretty exact number, but I don't really remember if Angie said her age or not. If not, then about 50 could work just as well.
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| “We’re to discuss that tonight,” she said, walking towards the Captain’s door. The glass was lit orange by the lights inside. |
Gah! Way to leave a cliffhangar! 
Only one comment: Watch your commas, especially when addressing others. ^^
Bravo! I can't wait for the next part! Gah, cliffhangars... *sigh*
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Rei
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| Posted: Thu Apr 03, 2008 9:56 pm Post subject: |
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| Loved the way you ended this part. It's making me stay interested. I think Jabber caught all the errors I noticed. Though there was one point where you said money instead of monkey. Same advice as before. Be a little more descriptive, and use more details in your actions. Also, slow down just a tiny bit. |
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| Posted: Sat Apr 05, 2008 11:17 am Post subject: |
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I took a few steps back from the charging money. [As Rei said, it should be monkey not money.]
I looked down at my feet sheepishly, stretched out across my bottom top bunk.
I felt like we were slowly becoming friends even is she was a forty-eight year-old woman. She was very motherly to me. It felt good to be protected by a woman for once. It made me miss my mother. [You've already shown us the beginning of the sentence so carry on that way rather than telling us what's happening.]
I didn't find any other mistakes with this and I think it's developing well. It wouldn't hurt to extend the scene Angie though. Maybe have Angie ask about your persona's past or what sort of food she likes. What she enjoys to do. I'd love to see a few personal details thrown in. Maybe Angie is already thinking of ways to integrate her into the circus aspect of the crew. She could casually mention that they used to have a clown about her size or trapese artist or something.
I love the monkey already! Keep it up.
Heather xx |
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JFW1415
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| Posted: Sun May 04, 2008 1:21 am Post subject: |
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Yet another critique by me...
Paragraph Edits
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| The chimpanzee holding Angie’s hand let go and ran across the deck on all fours while screeching loudly. |
Hahaha! I knew it. ;P
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| The monkey climbed up Henry and threw his arms around Henry’s neck. Henry hugged the chimp. |
Enough ‘Henry’ there?
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“So, in case you haven’t gotten the idea yet, you’ll be sleeping in here. My bed is the bottom bunk. I can’t climb that high. I’m no’ as agile as I once was. I hope you don’t mind having bottom top bunk,” Angie said. |
| Quote: |
| Angie left me alone to think in peace for sometime. I felt like we were slowly becoming friends even is she was a forty-eight year-old woman. She was very motherly to me. It felt good to be protected by a woman for once. It made me miss my mother. |
Friends or motherly – pick one. And this makes me wonder about her mom - will you talk about her later?
Overall Comments
I think I'm becoming a broken record here. Slow down, expand on your scenes. Let us feel like we're on that ship!
PM me for anything.
~JFW1415 |
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| Posted: Mon May 05, 2008 10:47 pm Post subject: |
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Here I am, here I am.
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| “Landon!” Henry said. |
I'd put in some emotion here. Happliy? Something like that.
I did not expect that.
| Quote: |
| So, in case you haven’t gotten the idea yet, you’ll be sleeping in here. My bed is the bottom bunk. I can’t climb that high. I’m no’ as agile as I once was. I hope you don’t mind having bottom bunk |
Huh? I thought she was getting the high bunk and Angie has the low bunk?
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| It made me miss my mother. |
Here! Here! Look over here! Great spot for diving into her past! What are you waiting for?
I like this part a lot. But I still want to know more! I know nothing about Isabella apart from her parents are dead her brother's a git and she's run away from home to live with sailors.
On to part six now... |
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