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This thread was created on April 1, 2008
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Topic ID: 28133
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Gadi.
OBAMA FOR PREZ
Speaker of the Forum
Gender: 
Age: 15
Joined: 06 Aug 2007
Posts: 893
Reviews: 386
Country: I wish it was in my comfy bed, under the covers...
491 Points
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 Posted: Wed Apr 16, 2008 2:24 pm Post subject: |
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April 15
I learn to wade through oceans
and seas. The fish nibble on my
toes and the birds chew on my
hair. I am not the parasite:
seas, oceans, infesting
my hair, my skin, my muscle. |
_________________
my world isn't only beautiful
it is so far away |
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Jasmine Hart
Laced With Darkness
Speaker of the Forum
Gender: 
Age: 19
Joined: 03 Jun 2007
Posts: 783
Reviews: 318
Country: Ireland
350 Points
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| Posted: Fri Apr 18, 2008 9:56 pm Post subject: |
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April 15:
I love the first line and, " I am not a parasite, seas, oceans, infesting",but I think the rest could be tightend up a tad. Maybe change the bit about the fish and birds, as the fish image isn't very fresh, and I'm not sure about there being birds in the ocean, without references to the speaker surfacing. Maybe try something more powerful than just your hair, skin, and muscles...think more on essence, and core, and see what you can come up with. It flows very well and is nice and concise. Hope this helps.
April 14:
This is brilliant. Really surreal and different and I love the imagery, especially;
" grass drinks from
a faraway pond,"
and
"conjoined, bred, fused,
like the seeds as they rise
to the surface."
I also love how you isolated;
"they say one is the loneliest
number. "
It really increased the line's power.
Really great, Gadi. Good luck with the rest of them.
Jas |
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"How poetic you are,' she said, "I have a notion that poetry is the highest form of self-deception." - Gregory Maguire |
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| This thread was created on April 1, 2008 |
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