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This thread was created on April 1, 2008
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Topic ID: 28086
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Lil_Pau
Senior Writer

 Gender:  Age: 13 Joined: 11 Oct 2007 Posts: 165 Reviews: 85 Country: Land of Eternal Dawn 300 Points
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Posted: Tue Apr 01, 2008 12:04 pm Post subject: Exodus |
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Exodus
I step in ravishing snow,
hugging myself to sleep
under a withered tree's glow.
Children chatter and play,
They dream of imaginary places
And forget about the coming end
of to-day.
Come a little closer,
don't stay in the shadow of the sun.
Auguries of beauty will be free
to leave their droplets on our skin.
And we'll watch the world rotate,
bent under the weight of expanding minds.
Suns rise and clouds drift,
a seemingly everlasting merry go-round.
But even if the earth goes to slumber,
it'll fall on deaf ears.
Because I'll be living away my fears
in the pools of redemption.
And you will be near me -
Waiting for me -
As I wander among
the exodus of the world. |
_________________ LaughTer iS tHe BeSt MediCine  |
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Kenpachi Masamune
Senior Writer

 Gender:  Age: 20 Joined: 27 Mar 2008 Posts: 140 Reviews: 74
300 Points
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Posted: Tue Apr 01, 2008 11:52 pm Post subject: |
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I step in ravishing snow, (odd word choice with ravishing)
hugging myself to sleep
under a withered tree's glow.
Children chatter and play,
They dream of imaginary places
And forget about the coming end
of to-day. (today.)
Come a little closer,
don't stay in the shadow of the sun. (awkward with sun)
Auguries of beauty will be free (Auguries is awkward word choice)
to leave their droplets on our skin. (skin is awkward)
And we'll watch the world rotate,
bent under the weight of expanding minds.
Suns rise and clouds drift,
a seemingly everlasting merry go-round.
But even if the earth goes to slumber,
it'll fall on deaf ears.
Because I'll be living away my fears (awkward when used with following line)
in the pools of redemption.
And you will be near me -
Waiting for me -
As I wander among
the exodus of the world.
This was interesting and a bit mysterious, some of it didn't make perfect sense, but that is okay. I liked the poem, even though it took forever for it to reach its point, but it was done in a unique and original way. |
_________________ Blank Chapters 1-5 at:
http://kenpachimasamune.page.tl/
Check it out!
You found Ghostie! ๏̯͡๏) |
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Runawaythoughts
Writer

 Gender:  Age: 15 Joined: 27 Mar 2008 Posts: 50 Reviews: 35
300 Points
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Posted: Sat Apr 05, 2008 8:11 pm Post subject: |
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Wow, I just had a reall long coment but it got deleted because my computer logged me off.
Sorry Ill reread later when im not p***ed at my computer.
No swearing outside of lit works, please - Mod |
_________________ Read my stories and please review back! |
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| This thread was created on April 1, 2008 |
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Bartemius says, If you can't describe what you are doing as a process, you don't know what you're doing. - W. Edwards Deming
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