Topic ID: 28073
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| Do you like it? |
| No. |
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27% |
[ 3 ] |
| Yes. |
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72% |
[ 8 ] |
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| Total Votes : 11 |
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| Author |
Message |
Gahks
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428 Points
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 Posted: Thu Apr 03, 2008 6:43 pm Post subject: |
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This is a decently written poem with some great, albeit horrible, imagery. You could improve it further by adding full stops at the end of each second line; the resulting clear, crisp clauses would give restraint to the poem and build it to the chilling conclusion.
I didn't understand what "they found a saviour/But then was filled with doubt" meant. Who was filled with doubt: the narrator or 'they'? This needs to be clearer. Also, this is a passive construction. Get rid of it - turn it around!
"...they found a saviour/
and filled themselves with doubt."
Something like that. See how that's much more direct and straightforward. Active writing is key to producing great writing; it SHOWS the reader what's happening instead of simply TELLING it - it pulls them into the action. I know this is a common ailment amongst writers but eventually with practice you'll shake off the habit.
The piece has great potential. When it works, it works beautifully. Good work.
8/10  |
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Archstormangel
doesn't like Twilight.
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| Posted: Fri Apr 04, 2008 3:16 am Post subject: |
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Thanks, Gahks! I'll work on that!
And what I meant was the 'savior' was filled with doubt. How can I re-word that>? Someone told me to use 'but then,' instead of 'by then,' though I feel the second illustrates more precisely who I referred to.
...ILY. |
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kinzygirl223
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| Posted: Fri Apr 04, 2008 12:40 pm Post subject: |
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I really liked the repittion to start out.
I thought it was really good.
It had a TON of feeling in it.
Very good.
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Mortality
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300 Points
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| Posted: Fri Apr 04, 2008 5:43 pm Post subject: |
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Hey, this is really good, despite the fact I'm not into Dark Poem .
So it's good that i like it!
Means you have turned me to the darkside! |
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Archstormangel
doesn't like Twilight.
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407 Points
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| Posted: Fri Apr 04, 2008 8:21 pm Post subject: |
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| Thanks, all of you! I didn't think people would like it this much. :3 I personally feel that this is one of the better poems I've written, but considering my age and general mood, I thought it might feel too dark and fake. Thanks! |
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Leja
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| Posted: Sat Apr 05, 2008 12:02 am Post subject: |
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A quick note: having a poll preface a literary work is not the best way to begin (they're better for non-literary things ^_^).
I don't think that the repetition does anything for this poem. It makes things choppy and deflates the poem's overall purpose. Each time I start a new line, I'm reading about something different, and that makes it hard to value the poem as a unified whole if it, well, isn't unified. "I dreamed..." overwhelms the lines that follow it, and I find myself concentrating more on those words, and not being able to pay attention to anything else. Maybe pick a few images (ones about stories, adventure, and princesses might be a good place to start) and see how you can capture this same sentiment in a more expanded image. |
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betsyy
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300 Points
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| Posted: Sun Apr 06, 2008 11:08 pm Post subject: |
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omg,
i.love.it =]
its so darkk.
so emotional.
[[just like me]]
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If you enjoyed Archstormangel's "Dreamed of Hell"
check out my poetry. |
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Archstormangel
doesn't like Twilight.
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407 Points
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| Posted: Mon Apr 07, 2008 1:08 am Post subject: |
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Leja, thank you so much for what you said, and for sharing your opinion.
I'm not going to change this poem because so far I've gotten a lot of positive results about that specific part of the poem, but I still value your comment. ...people care!
And thank you, Betsyy. |
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shanan-cat
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| Posted: Fri Apr 11, 2008 12:39 pm Post subject: |
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Oh! I get it now! Thanks for clearing it!
Shanan-cat! |
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LunaBuna43
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| Posted: Fri Apr 11, 2008 1:26 pm Post subject: |
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Great poem!
I liked it alot!
Simply awesome!
~Lulu |
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Lil Dono
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| Posted: Fri Apr 11, 2008 9:15 pm Post subject: |
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| Archstormangel wrote: |
| Thanks, all of you! I didn't think people would like it this much. :3 I personally feel that this is one of the better poems I've written, but considering my age and general mood, I thought it might feel too dark and fake. Thanks! |
I don't know why, but I didn't find this poem to be negative...at all.
I'm not exactly sure what the feeling or passion behind it is, but I interpreted a theme not of negativity, but of realization, depth, growth, and age.
Like I said, I have no idea what you wrote it as, but that's how I saw it.
As for the poem itself, most of the flowing issues already got corrected. The only line I don't think flows well that I'm not fond of is:
| Quote: |
| With blood on a knife on the shelf |
I just don't like the repeated word "on". Perhaps it could be something along the lines of "With a bloodied knife on the shelf". |
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Archstormangel
doesn't like Twilight.
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Age: 14
Joined: 31 Mar 2008
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Country: Burp.
407 Points
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| Posted: Thu Aug 07, 2008 10:46 pm Post subject: |
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The story behind this poem is sort of like this:
There's someone (the person telling the story) who is having nightmares , that they call dreams, of really horrible, vicious things. They get progressively worse and worse, varying from the more realistic to the wilder. And at the very end, they've finally sunken into a deep, darkness. They're too afraid to face reality, and call their nightmares 'dreams' because they consider it almost better than reality.
And the last stanza is their final line, where they 'dreamed' that they saw reality. |
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