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This thread was created on March 30, 2008
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Topic ID: 27960
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HiMyNameIs
Novice
Gender: 
Age: 14
Joined: 25 Mar 2008
Posts: 5
Reviews: 2
Country: What's That? :P
300 Points
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 Posted: Sun Mar 30, 2008 7:05 pm Post subject: A Slightly More Finished Poem |
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Can’t You See?
I look at you,
You turn your head,
You tie your shoe
As if I’m dead-
If but you knew.
Why I look,
I can’t explain-
The glance I took,
Without a brain-
An open book.
Can’t you feel,
Can’t you see
You’re everything to me?
You’re honest and true,
You’re funny and smart-
You’re an angel’s bright hue
And a genius at art-
I’m too plain for you.
Your eyes are my sun
Your voice, my light
Your laughter’s my fun
Your guidance my sight-
You’re the one.
Why can’t you hold me near?
Why can’t you love me dear?
You’re in my dreams,
Wrapped in my arms-
I’m buried deep
Beneath your charms
While counting sheep.
Even when I write
My love as day
Fades in to night,
I know you’ll never feel the way
That I have felt tonight.
Can’t you see, can’t you feel
A cut from you will never heal?
Can’t you see me
And you-together
Sitting by the sea?
A blue sky-fair weather
Wouldn’t we be free?
But it can’t be this way
For as the days go,
I know you won’t stay.
And I’ll cry
As you walk away.
Why can’t you see?
Why can’t you see? |
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Em
Writer
Gender: 
Age: 14
Joined: 29 Mar 2008
Posts: 58
Reviews: 30
Country: USA
215 Points
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| Posted: Sun Mar 30, 2008 11:26 pm Post subject: |
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Ooo, I really, truly, genuinely liked this.
It had perfect rythm.
The only thing I see wrong with thise (though I'm not completely sure) is:
"Even when I write
My love as day
Fades in to night,
I know you’ll never feel the way
That I have felt tonight."
Shouldn't that be into, instead of two different words?
I'm no grammatical genius, so someone tell me!
Beseides that, I felt that there was absolutely nothing wrong with this.
Good job.
=] |
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Did you say cow?-I heard cow. |
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Tag
Writer
Gender:
Age: 99
Joined: 27 Mar 2008
Posts: 85
Reviews: 36
830 Points
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| Posted: Mon Mar 31, 2008 12:57 am Post subject: |
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Hey there
This is quite cool, I like the way it progresses from stanza to stanza.
I would recommend you try splitting the long stanzas into shorter ones, they look a bit cluttered. The rhyming scheme in the third is a little off compared to the others.
'Can’t you feel, / Can’t you see / You’re everything to me?' - I love your use of the word 'everything' here, it has a powerful effect.
Nice work. Keep writing  |
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If every One would Stop and Listen, Break the Cycle, Find your Rhythm, Use the Gift that You've been Given - Love |
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