Topic ID: 27947
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casey_kent
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 Posted: Sun Mar 30, 2008 10:19 am Post subject: My Friend |
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Help me fix this poem. It is kinda ugly in my interpretation but every word in this poem came from my heart.
My Friend
He is kind, caring, and loving
Selfless, helpful and forgiving.
Even though I am always busy,
He still loves and cares for me endlessly.
He watches over me whenever I sleep
He's always there to comfort me whenever I weep.
When I am afraid I ask Him His guidance
Because to Him I am special and He gives me importance.
He gave up His life just to save mine
He always makes sure that I am fine
For all the things that He gives me everyday,
It makes me so speechless, but still, I have something to say.
Thank you for all the things that You did for me
I promise to be someone You want me to be
I know whatever happens You will love me 'til the end
Oh thank you again my Lord, savior and friend.
--------- |
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I'm not crazy. My reality is just different from yours.
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SimonCowellLuver
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| Posted: Sun Mar 30, 2008 1:32 pm Post subject: |
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Hi I am SCL how are ya! Ok I like what you got here it isn't bad at all. But I found some grammatical errors in it so let me help you.
"He is kind, caring, and loving (you need a comma here.)
Selfless, helpful and forgiving.
Even though I am always busy,
He still loves and cares for me endlessly.
He watches over me whenever I sleep (Need a comma)
He's always there to comfort me whenever I weep.
When I am afraid I ask Him His guidance (need a comma)
Because to Him I am special and He gives me importance."
If you have any questions about what I done feel free to PM me.
SimonCowellLuver  |
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HiMyNameIs
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Country: What's That? :P
300 Points
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| Posted: Sun Mar 30, 2008 7:49 pm Post subject: |
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I really liked this-I can really feel what you were feeling when you wrote this. I like most of the rhyming, but in some cases the rythm could be improved with just a word or two changed. some I am's can be replaced with I'm in a couple cases.
| Quote: |
He is kind, caring, and loving
Selfless, helpful and forgiving.
Even though I am always busy,
He still loves and cares for me endlessly. |
The first two lines are great, descriptions are always good to have at the begining of poems. I don't really know what to think of the third line though- it looked a little thrown in there. In the fourth line, I think you could take out either "loves" or "cares", it's just repitition, and it would make it flow a bit better if they were removed.
| Quote: |
He watches over me whenever I sleep
He's always there to comfort me whenever I weep.
When I am afraid I ask Him His guidance
Because to Him I am special and He gives me importance.
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I like the idea in the first two lines, but I'm not so sure about those two "whenevers". I think it would sound better if you used "when" or "as" in place of at least one of them. I assume the capitilizations of "Him", "He", and "His" are intentionally emphisized. However, I would definely replace "His" with "for". Also, I would switch around the first half of sentance four for "Because I'm special to Him". The second part of the sentance is forced-take it out.
| Quote: |
He gave up His life just to save mine
He always makes sure that I am fine
For all the things that He gives me everyday,
It makes me so speechless, but still, I have something to say |
The first line is a givaway  . The second sentence is... just take it out. The other sentances are super, but I think it'd sound better if you changed "but still, I have something to say" to "yet I've something to say"-really love how the sentance flowed though. 
| Quote: |
Thank you for all the things that You did for me
I promise to be someone You want me to be
I know whatever happens You will love me 'til the end
Oh thank you again my Lord, savior and friend. |
The first two lines are almost perfect. Take out "that" in the first sentance, put a comma at the end, and then it's fine. The third line and fourth lines are fine.
I love how you hid away the meaning of who your friend was until about halfway through-really makes you think. Also, I'm guessing that you have christian beliefs from the last sentance. Unlike some poems, you didn't give up the meaning of the poem for rhyms. If you fix it, this poem could be even better. Keep up the good work!
Sincerely,
(ME!) |
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casey_kent
God-breathed warrior♥♥♥
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Country: land of mangoes and coconuts; where cherries are rare
464 Points
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| Posted: Mon Mar 31, 2008 7:09 am Post subject: |
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| Thanks! I'll try to edit this soon! |
_________________
Christianity is not a religion, it's a relationship.
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I'm not crazy. My reality is just different from yours.
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"Imagination is a world where the impossible exists." -Me |
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vivalablond
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| Posted: Tue Apr 01, 2008 12:52 am Post subject: :] |
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This was really good.
I enjoyed it alot :]
The best poems do come from the heart and you definetely made have an incredibly literate heart :] |
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Azila
sun moon stars rain
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| Posted: Sat Apr 12, 2008 12:08 pm Post subject: |
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Hello! I'm reporting for duty. I hope that when you said I should critique your poetry you didn't have a certain one in mind, 'cause I just picked at random from your portfolio. 
| Quote: |
He is kind, caring, and loving
Selfless, helpful and forgiving.
Even though I am always busy,
He still loves and cares for me endlessly. |
"loving" and "forgiving" don't really rhyme that well, because one ends with "-iving" and one ends with "-oving." Also, the rhythm seems a little messed up. maybe try a different word in one of the places? Also, "busy" and "endlessly" seem to have the same problem.
| Quote: |
He watches over me whenever I sleep
He's always there to comfort me whenever I weep.
When I am afraid I ask Him His guidance
Because to Him I am special and He gives me importance. |
The first two lines rhyme just fine, but I'm not so sure about the second two... "guidance" and "importance" don't seem to rhyme that well.
| Quote: |
He gave up His life just to save mine
He always makes sure that I am fine
For all the things that He gives me everyday,
It makes me so speechless, but still, I have something to say. |
Hmmm... the last line feels like it has too many syllables in it, to me.  also, shouldn't that last period be a colon? And I agree with HiMyNameIs about the fact that the first line is a giveaway. ^_~
| Quote: |
Thank you for all the things that You did for me
I promise to be someone You want me to be
I know whatever happens You will love me 'til the end
Oh thank you again my Lord, savior and friend. |
This one's great!
___________________
Really, I'd just say that you need to work on your rhyme and rhythm. Is the rhythm supposed to change from stanza to stanza? I don't know much about poetry, but I thought that it would be better (for a rhyming poem like this one) to make the rhythm (that is, the amount of syllables) more consistent from one stanza to the next.
I hope this helps somewhat! Feel free to PM me if you have questions/comments about my review.
~Azila~ |
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