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yoha_ahoy
yoyo
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 Posted: Sun Mar 30, 2008 1:31 am Post subject: Circus Pirates 4 |
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*continued from Part 3*
Circus Pirates - Part 4
“Well, I’ll watch the helm,” Kross said to Henry. “I was a Captain’s mate when I was a younger lad. I probably have the most ship smarts around here,” he grinned to me.
“That’s probably true,” Henry nodded. “Funny how I’m Captain, and not him.”
“Well, I actually like to steer the vessel sometimes!” Kross said. “It’s a fact that the quartermaster is at the wheel more than the Captain is.”
“It’s true. I’m mostly running about making sure everyone else on this ship is doing their job and not stealing the rum. By the way, I still have to find those weaseling, dirty little midgets again…” He mumbled some unintelligible rambling for a moment then said, “Shall we continue the tour below decks?”
Henry walked off without waiting for an answer. I followed. We went down to see Cookie.
“Have you heard Bran and Bard lately, Cookie?” Henry asked the colossal cook.
“Aye, somewhere about the fore. Bran was belting some tune a few minutes ago,” Cookie said.
Henry grunted some agreement and stalked off towards the fore of the ship. We passed several cabins before coming into an open room that rocked up and down more violently than the rest of the ship.
I stumbled on my feet once and I figured we must be in the bow from its pointed shape. This also must’ve been where the crew slept because it is here where Henry began shouting at one of the many hammocks hanging here.
From this hammock popped up the two heads of Bran and Barn. Then before I could even blink, they had stood in the hammock and pushed aside a hatch in the ceiling of the ship. Bard, standing on Bran, hopped up through the hole and disappeared. His hands came back down and Bran swung out of the hammock as well.
All the while, Henry had been climbing up on the lower bunk, grasping at them and yelling for them to come down. We heard their infectious giggling fading away as they retreated.
“God damn you midgets! Get back here!” he spat.
I looked at him, shocked.
He saw me and apologized. “Sorry,” he said looking at the floor. “I’ve adopted a bit of a sailor’s mouth.” He wiped his hand across his mouth as if to wipe away the foul language.
“What are they running from? Uh, besides you,” I asked. Perhaps he had a valid reason for cursing after them, I thought.
“Those slimy little midgets have kidnapped Landon and hidden him somewhere,” Henry said angrily.
“Oh no!” I said, though I did not know who Landon was. Then I thought aloud, “How would they hide him? How long has he been missing?”
“Since mid-morning. He gets upset when he doesn’t eat,” Henry said, stalking out of the room and back on deck.
We walked up to the deck, passing by Cookie again. When we reached the top of the steps, Angie came out of the Captain’s quarters opposite them on the deck.
“I found Landon!” Angie said. Landon soon followed Angie, coming through the doors, holding her hand.
*Part 5 currently in progress!* |
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Last edited by yoha_ahoy on Sun Mar 30, 2008 2:11 am; edited 1 time in total |
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JabberHut
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| Posted: Sun Mar 30, 2008 1:42 am Post subject: |
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Yay! Part 4!!
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| “That’s probably true,” Henry nodded. “Funny, [no comma] how I’m Captain, and not him.” |
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| “Well, I actually like to steer the vessel sometimes!” |
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By the way, I still have to find those weaseling, dirty little midgets again…,” [no comma] he He mumbled some unintelligible rambling for a moment then said, “Shall we continue the tour below decks?” |
You don't need that comma at the end of the quote if you have another punctuation. 
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| Henry walked off without waiting for an answer. I followed. We went down to see Cookie. |
This seemed very abrupt compared to the rest of your writing before. *shrugs* Might just be me, but it sounded clunky and.. yeah. 
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| Bard, standing on Bran, hopped up through the hole and disappeared. |
The MC just met the twins. Would she know which is which already?
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All the while, Henry began had been climbing on the lower bunk and grasping at them and yelling for them to come down. |
I don't think there's such thing as a triple compound sentence. All the while, Henry had been climbing up on the lower bunk, grasping at them and yelling for them to come down. The had been was inserted because it sounded better with the phrase all the while.
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He wiped his hand across his mouth then as if to wipe away the foul language. |
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| Then I thought aloud, “How would they hide him? How long has he been missing?” |
Thinking tends to be in one's mind. 
I lubs it! ^^ As usual! There's nothing else to say except post the next part!
Jabber, the One and Only! |
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kitty15
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| Posted: Sun Mar 30, 2008 3:53 pm Post subject: |
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| I stumbled on my feet once and I figured we must be in the bow from its pointed shape. This also must’ve been where the crew slept because it is here where Henry began shouting at one of the many hammocks hanging here. |
[This sentence is awkward and your tense is a little muddled here. Also, I think you could add a little more description. I think it should be something like
'I stumbled as we entered the room, catching hold of the door-frame to steady myself. The room curved around into a point which suggested we must be at the bow of the ship and many hammocks were spread across the rafters. Henry lurched towards one and began shouting and cursing.']
I think what you need to concentrate on most is slowing the action down a little and giving the reader a chance to get acquainted with the characters and setting. I get the impression that this boat is going to be the setting for quite a while so take some time to describe it and the searching for Landon seemed rather random. Especially having Angie find him/her/it. Why was it not mentioned earlier that Landon was missing if it's so essential to get him/her/it back? Henry seems very mad and I think your persona should show more surprise at that. He came across as a very kind, passive character earlier but now he's acting very rough and angry.
In general, I think the plot is still advancing well and the reader is starting to get a deeper impression of your characters but take your time and don't worry so much about losing interest. It's important to establish descriptions and personalities now so that your reader has them firmly in mind before the main action starts.
Try to spend more time showing things rather than telling as well. For example, instead of having Kross and Henry discuss how strange it is that Henry is captain and not Kross (which feels a little out of place and solely for the reader's benefit) you could show it through the gradual building of characters. The reader has already seen that Henry isn't the most suited to the job so you just have to show how Kross would make a good captain. Maybe show Henry being a little hesitant to move away from the helm and then Kross could come in and take command of the situation. Something like -
'I would take you on a tour, but you see, there needs to be someone at the helm so I'll have to ask someone else to take my place," Henry mumbled in an apologetic tone, making no move to search for someone to take his place. In fact, he seemed almost reluctant to leave the helm.
"Get goin' Henry. I can watch the helm, yer don't need to ask," Kross took the helm confidently, already paying more attention to the sea than us.'
It's just an idea but I do think you need to avoid telling the reader so much. Anyway, I liked this chapter, your story and characters are still strong and I look forward to reading more,
Heather xx |
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| Posted: Mon Mar 31, 2008 2:54 pm Post subject: aw yay! |
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*Squeals* PART FOUR IS HERE!!!!
They've pretty much covered all the grammar mistakes. but the story flowed really well, but can you describe who/what Landon is and what he looks like?
and do I detect a little romantic tension between the Good Captain and our MC? |
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yoha_ahoy
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| Posted: Mon Mar 31, 2008 6:47 pm Post subject: |
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Sweeney! You're supposed to wait until Part 5 to find out "who/what" Landon is.
But no worries, Part 5 is on its way.
~Yoyo  |
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JFW1415
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| Posted: Sun May 04, 2008 12:47 am Post subject: |
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Paragraph Edits
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“Well, I’ll watch the helm,” Kross said to Henry. “I was a Captain’s mate when I was a younger lad. I probably have the most ship smarts around here,” he grinned to me.
“That’s probably true,” Henry nodded. “Funny how I’m Captain, and not him.”
“Well, I actually like to steer the vessel sometimes!” Kross said. “It’s a fact that the quartermaster is at the wheel more than the Captain is.”
“It’s true. I’m mostly running about making sure everyone else on this ship is doing their job and not stealing the rum. By the way, I still have to find those weaseling, dirty little midgets again…” He mumbled some unintelligible rambling for a moment then said, “Shall we continue the tour below decks?” |
This all seemed a bit random to me. Also, where is Iza? Bring her in – they won’t completely forget her, and she won’t stand silently.
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| Henry walked off without waiting for an answer. I followed. We went down to see Cookie. |
Watch your sentence structure – this is all the same.
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| “I found Landon!” Angie said. Landon soon followed Angie, coming through the doors, holding her hand. |
How’s Iza know it’s Landon? Maybe 'the [man?] whom I assumed was Landon came through the doors, holding her hand.' And why do I have the feeling it will be a monkey? 
Overall Edits
All I can say is listen to kitty15. I don't feel like I'm there. I can't see what's happening. I'm being told a story, but that's it.
Bring us closer. Let us get to know your characters - let us care about them. Let us see what they see.
And don't forget that you're writing in first person! You can't go paragraphs without even mentioning her.
PM me for anything.
~JFW1415 |
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| Posted: Mon May 05, 2008 10:40 pm Post subject: |
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| “Well, I’ll watch the helm,” Kross said to Henry. “I was a Captain’s mate when I was a younger lad. I probably have the most ship smarts around here,” he grinned to me. |
I'd take out the Well, at the beginning, and have him turn to Isabella before explaining that he was a captain mates in the past.
That's really all for this part. Your chapters are quite short, but I've got no problem with that. I still want to know more about Isabella and her past.
Onto part 5! |
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