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TNCowgirl
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 Posted: Fri Mar 28, 2008 3:57 pm Post subject: Keri's love Chapter One Part One (Redone) |
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Keri sat at her table watching the people dancing as she drank her water. She was supposed to be the driver that night, not that she wanted to. She was always the driver, she never got drunk, or even drank. Maybe it was because so many people in her family died because of alcohol. Maybe it was because she just didn’t like the taste. She didn’t really know for sure which it was. She frowned when she saw her friend start to drunkenly flirt with a guy. He was attractive, no doubt about that. But Liz, her friend, was making an utter fool of herself.
Sighing, Keri got up, walked over to Liz, grabbed her arm, and tried to pull her away.
“No, I was talking to this sweet guy.” Liz slurred. Keri looked at the guy apologetically. He was standing there with his arms crossed, towering over both of the girls. Keri couldn’t help but notice his well built form. He was at least six and a half feet tall, and a good two-hundred and fifty pounds. All of it was muscle too. His eyes were a beautiful blue that reminded her of the small creek that flowed through the property her parents lived on. His hair was brown and mused, it wasn’t very long, but it wasn’t a buzz cut either. His bronze skin made his eyes stand out all the more. She felt a blush creep over her cheeks and she looked away.
“Sorry,” She muttered tugging at Liz again.
“Keri, your red as an apple.” Liz laughed. Keri felt like slapping her over the face, but decided against it. She tugged at her friend’s arm again.
“Liz, let’s go before you make a bigger scene.” Keri whispered.
“Am I making a scene?” Liz laughed looking at the guy. “I don’t think so.” She suddenly doubled over and started throwing up. To Keri’s dismay Liz was throwing up all over the guys shoes! She groaned and ran to the closest trash can putting it under Liz’s face where she continued to empty her stomach. Keri grabbed a handful of napkins and ran back to the guy who had stepped away from Liz.
“I’m so sorry.” She muttered handing him the napkins. He laughed, the first noise she had heard from him all afternoon. It was a nice laugh, easy and deep.
“Not your fault.” He smiled sitting down and wiping his shoe off. It was a pair of Ariat boots. “Your friend is lucky to have someone looking out for her.” He flashed those beautiful blue eyes at her and she felt herself being drawn into them.
NO! You know better then to let a guy take hold of you! She thought, she had been in a relationship once, and it didn’t turn out well.
“Well, I’m the only one that actually doesn’t drink.” She smiled, “I was kinda elected for the position and wasn’t allowed to say no.”
“How many friends do you watch out for?” He asked standing up after getting the rest of the vomit from his shoe.
“There are three of them. Liz, Beth, and Kate.” Keri replied, “They are all roomies, I’m just a friend of Liz’s so I got to know them.”
“College student?” He asked as they moved away from the throw up.
“Ya, well kinda, this is gonna be my last year. My parents need me back at the farm.” She smiled, “I don’t mind, I don’t like the big city part of this college.”
“Don’t blame ya. I hated college, but I had to go.” He replied,
“Why?” She asked looking up at him.
“Rules of th…” He stopped, “Of my folks.” He smiled,
“Ah yes, we get to be adults and we still have to listen to them to an extent.” She laughed,
“Looks like your friend feels better.” He said motioning to where Liz was dancing with some guy. Keri rolled her eyes and crossed her arms.
“Not surprising.” She smiled, “Liz is a big flirt, and she knows it.”
“I’m Ryder.” He smiled sticking his hand out. Keri took it shaking it, he had a firm, but gentle grasp.
“Keri, do you go to this college?” She asked looking around. The floor was covered in dancing bodies and the smell of sweat and beer was terrible, she had gotten used to it though.
“No, I used to. I’m just back up here visiting friends.” He smiled.
“Oh, ok.” Keri was a little disappointed. She wouldn’t get to really know him. She sighed, she knew nothing would work. |
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GryphonFledgling
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| Posted: Fri Mar 28, 2008 6:23 pm Post subject: |
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Ah yes, much better. I liked the fact that they find out each other's names quickly. *thumbs up*
On that note:
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| “Keri, do you go to this college?” |
There should be a period after "Keri" since that is the end of her introduction. The way it is right now, she sounds like she is asking if "Keri" goes to that college and she is Keri.
Very nice. I look forward to this being continued. PM when you add more to it or edit more!
~GryphonFledgling |
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Periwinkle
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| Posted: Fri Mar 28, 2008 6:38 pm Post subject: Re: Keri's love Chapter One Part One (Redone) |
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I. NITPICKS
| TNCowgirl wrote: |
| Keri couldn’t help but notice his well built form. He was at least six and a half feet tall, and a good two-hundred and fifty pounds. All of it was muscle too. |
I don't know...but it's weird to approximate people's height and weight when we first meet them. Maybe if your character is a detective or something...but a normal girl it's just a bit odd.
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| “Am I making a scene?” Liz laughed looking at the guy. “I don’t think so.” She suddenly doubled over and started throwing up. To Keri’s dismay Liz was throwing up all over the guys shoes! She groaned and ran to the closest trash can putting it under Liz’s face where she continued to empty her stomach. Keri grabbed a handful of napkins and ran back to the guy who had stepped away from Liz. |
This is a good scene, but I think you should give the guy a reaction. Usually, even if we're nice people, if someone throws up on your shoes you say something. Maybe jump back...make a disgusted face...
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| “Not your fault.” He smiled sitting down and wiping his shoe off. It was a pair of Ariat boots. “Your friend is lucky to have someone looking out for her.” He flashed those beautiful blue eyes at her and she felt herself being drawn into them. |
He flashed his eyes at her? Do you mean look at her?
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| NO! You know better then to let a guy take hold of you! She thought, she had been in a relationship once, and it didn’t turn out well. |
Italicize her thoughts.
II. DIALOGUE
"Hello," he said.
"Hello!" he said.
"Hello," he said. "How are you?"
"Hello," James said.
You never capitilize pronouns when using dialogue. Always lowercase.
III. THE VOMIT
I think you should have added more reaction to her friend vomiting on his shoes...Also maybe he would have got seltzer or water to wipe off the vomit...and then move because it would start to smell.
IV. OVERALL IMPRESSION
I liked this. It was good...and I thought the subtle romance was good, too. Nothing really to fix. |
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KJ
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| Posted: Fri Mar 28, 2008 7:16 pm Post subject: |
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Hey.This wasn't a bad beginning. I had only a few problems with it.
In the beginning I was getting the vibe that she didn't like staying sober and having to be the driver, but then you mention that many people of her family have died from drunk-related circumstances and that she didn't like drinking. Maybe it's just me.
Her attitude towards dating was a problem for me. I don't have anything against that, but that fact that she'd only been in one relationship before deciding to avoid it seemed unrealistic. Usually poeple give it several shots before giving up altogether.
And then here's a couple things I caught:
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| “Keri, your red as an apple.” Liz laughed. |
Your should be you're
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| She sighed, she knew nothing would work |
Should be either this or period between sighed and she: ;
Other than those few things, I did like it. Keep writing. |
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mizz-iceberg
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| Posted: Wed Apr 02, 2008 4:01 pm Post subject: |
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Everyone's pretty much already pointed out what I noticed.
I like the way the dialogue in your writing, as it doesn't seem too awkward. Fix those grammar mistakes and you're set.
Just one thing that jumped out at me:
“Keri, do you go to this college?” She asked looking around.
Please fix this. Is Keri asking herself if she goes to this college or did you mix up the names. Maybe it's supposed to be
"Ryder, do you go to this college?" she asked looking around. |
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Writing for love is a pas
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| Posted: Sat Apr 05, 2008 11:29 pm Post subject: |
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I don't really get it. Should be longer too.  |
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Boon
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| Posted: Wed Apr 09, 2008 11:12 pm Post subject: |
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Ok, normally I wouldn't read a romance, but since you are a friend and you would do it if I asked, I decided I would.
First off Liz sounds like she only had a few and is joking around. You want her to sound hammered. Describe how she walks, dances, or stands. Normally drunk people can't stay straight.
Next thing, the vomit. Yes it's disgusting having it on someones shoes, but you want the reader to feel more disgusted, describe the smell, remind the reader what vomit smells like if they smelt it before.
Thirdly, make Keri sound more sincere for her friend throwing up on a random guy's shoes. "I'm so sorry" is sincere, but we're talking about vomit on a guy's shoes, c'mon.
| Quote: |
| “Keri, do you go to this college?” |
I think it should be, "Keri. Do you go to this college?" because it sounds like she's asking herself if she goes to this college if you see what I mean.
Anyways, sorry it took me so long and I will check Ch 2. PM or look for me in the chat if you need more help and I'll see what I can do about the Werewolf questions.
Signed,
Boon of Eelong |
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HarmonicWriting
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| Posted: Sun Apr 13, 2008 1:42 pm Post subject: |
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I really like this. The dialogue is perfect and I'm really interested in knowing more about Ryder. There's a tiny hint of romance in this and I like it. There are some grammar mistakes that you should fix up but nothing major. Also, describe the vomit more. It's disgusting but it needs to be more realistic.
Can't wait to read the rest!
-Harmony |
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Vampy_Girl15
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| Posted: Sun Apr 13, 2008 11:56 pm Post subject: |
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I love romances and this one is very interesting so far.
I want to know what Ryder was going to say when he said:
“Rules of th…” He stopped, “Of my folks.” He smiled.
I want to know what the big seceret is...
It's coming along great.
Keep writing!
~Rachael |
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