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SimonCowellLuver
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 Posted: Thu Mar 27, 2008 7:00 pm Post subject: Untitled |
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Walking in the pouring rain,
It’s coming down like an big old' fiery flame.
Why is this happening to me today.
I don’t know what the hell is going on,
But I want it to stop. Now!
Why don’t people understand me?
Why do they laugh at me?
I feel rejected and unwanted,
I don’t want to be this way.
It isn’t fair.
But I don’t understand why they are laughing.
I haven’t done anything to make them laugh at me.
I guess everyone hates me.
But I don’t care, you know why?
I am who I am and nothing can change that.
Someday I will find my place.
A place I will fit right into.
A place I can be happy and not worry,
About anything.
When I get to that place,
I will have plenty of friends.
I can relax and not feel forgotten.
Like I am now.
Now I need someone to talk to.
I need someone to listen to me.
I need someone to care about me,
Not just ignore me like you all are.
So Right now I don’t give a damn about you.
I am going to live in the moment,
Soon I will get my wish to be free.
So now you understand,
How I feel right now.
If you feel the same way,
Don’t let them get to you like I did.
Trust me you will regret it! |
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Last edited by SimonCowellLuver on Thu Mar 27, 2008 9:46 pm; edited 2 times in total |
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Kyte
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| Posted: Thu Mar 27, 2008 7:18 pm Post subject: |
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Ok, I spotted an error:
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| I haven't did anything to make them laugh at me. |
Should be, "haven't done anything." And trust me, I've been there. |
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shanan-cat
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| Posted: Thu Mar 27, 2008 7:27 pm Post subject: |
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Quite interesting, but I unfortunately didn't like it very much.
It just didn't like it, sorry.
Must go so see you later!
shanan-cat! |
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Rei
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| Posted: Thu Mar 27, 2008 7:31 pm Post subject: |
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| I think what you need here is to be a lot more visual. The first stanza is great. Try to do the same thing with the rest of the poem. |
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GryphonFledgling
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| Posted: Thu Mar 27, 2008 7:36 pm Post subject: |
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I liked the first stanza and the imagery that you had in there. But the rest of the poem doesn't have that. Maybe if you wove some more imagery about where the character is and how it is corresponding to their mood. What are they doing in the rain? What is triggering these thoughts about how horrible their life is?
It was a nice poem. The subject matter has been used a million times, but you wrote it well. It just doesn't stand out hugely. I kind of felt like I have read this before. Perhaps if you added more to it about the setting and so on and so forth, you could make it a little more original.
*thumbs up*
Good luck.
~GryphonFledgling |
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kokobeans
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| Posted: Thu Mar 27, 2008 8:08 pm Post subject: |
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Ello!
Hmm... Sorry, but the first thing that came to mind when I read this was Green day. It's probably an odd coincidence, but you should look up the song 'holiday', and possibly revise your first two lines.
'Don't know what the hell is going on' - this doesn't seem too poetic, curses in poetry are best used for shock or humour, otherwise, what doesn't add, takes away. Try saying 'Don't know what is going on'.
The word 'but' in the first line, second verse, doesn't seem to work, it's not making a different point, so that would be better left out.
'Not just ignore me like you all are, so right now i don't give a damn about you', by using 'you' without aiming it at someone else in the text, you're refering to us, the reader. That's never a good thing when what you write can be taken as an insult. Try directing it at someone in particular, or leave it out.
You've used a lot of punctuation, which is a good technique. You also seem to have a lot to put into writing, I'd suggest trying something positive, or add a stronger message. Keep up the good work. |
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Firearris
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| Posted: Thu Mar 27, 2008 8:24 pm Post subject: |
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| kokobeans wrote: |
Ello!
Hmm... Sorry, but the first thing that came to mind when I read this was Green day. It's probably an odd coincidence, but you should look up the song 'holiday', and possibly revise your first two lines. |
I was thinking that too, but I already asked you about that. I do suggest you change the first two lines, even though you said that they came to you on your own; its possible that people might think your copying, and you could get into big trouble.
Anyways, other than that, I don't see any mistakes. The only thing that bugs me, is that you didn't have the rhyming pattern through the whole poem. But besides that, I like it. It makes plenty of sense, and people know what is happening, and what the poem is about.
Good job, and let me know if anything doesn't make sense, or if you want opinions and help on certain parts, let me know!
~Fire |
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Gladius
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| Posted: Thu Mar 27, 2008 10:16 pm Post subject: |
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| SimonCowellLuver wrote: |
Walking in the pouring rain,
It’s coming down like an big old' fiery flame. |
Hm. Interesting--but it needs to be fleshed out more, I think. Also, there's a bit of excess wording in here that is uneccessary to the rhyme scheme. What about 'As I walk in the pouring rain/coming down like a firey flame'? Generally, it sounds a lot cleaner without idiomatic jargon (similar to what someone else said--using curses in poetry).
Also, punctuation style--there are some places where you use periods that are unnecessary. Periods imply full stop in the rhyming and rhythm. It jars the reader, so I'd suggest using them more sparingly. For example, instead of :
| Quote: |
When I get to that place,
I will have plenty of friends.
I can relax and not feel forgotten.
Like I am now. |
you can completely cut the period in the third line so it runs as one sentence--that or use a double dash (like I just did; it's -- on MSWord).
Only one other thing: the theme. At first it seems the narrator is saying how bad his (?) life is with all the bullying and teasing and ignoring he goes through. Yes, I see how it relates to the end. No you don't hint at it very much in the beginning. Maybe find some way to tie the last few stanzas to the first and give this poem a purpose? 
I like what you have other than some issues with punctuation and wording...unfortunately I think it ends rather abruptly. There are some places where those two things I just mentioned could be smoothed out, but I like the idea you've started with. Keep going!  |
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ringettegirl
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| Posted: Thu Mar 27, 2008 11:23 pm Post subject: |
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i liked you poem!! it totally described my life right about now!
keep writing!!
~ringettegirl~
:p |
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ringettegirl
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| Posted: Thu Mar 27, 2008 11:25 pm Post subject: |
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your**** sorry!!
i do that alot!
:l |
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OverEasy
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| Posted: Fri Mar 28, 2008 12:04 am Post subject: |
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I’m really sorry to say this read like a winey rant. It’s the whole “poor me” thing that no one really wants to hear. This belongs in a blog or a xanga, not on here.
Besides that there was little structure or poetic form to find, it was boring, cliché, and I’ve read it before. |
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banana_baby_16
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| Posted: Sat Mar 29, 2008 4:53 pm Post subject: i liked it. |
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I liked it allot because everybody is different and nobody should be teased and I like the fact that you noticed that...even though that just might of been something you made up.....
good work,
banana_baby_16 |
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Kenpachi Masamune
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| Posted: Sat Mar 29, 2008 5:26 pm Post subject: |
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Sorry, but I must agree with the others on this one as well. It was a poetic rant and Overeasy said it first. At the very least could it not sound so whiny?
Pieces like this are just ranting and whining without purpose. And could be removed from the poem easily and not be missed.
"Now I need someone to talk to.
I need someone to listen to me.
I need someone to care about me"
It would come off as better and those pieces are not really poetic, it is just self-loathing hidden behind whining. |
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