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yoha_ahoy
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 Posted: Thu Mar 27, 2008 2:55 am Post subject: Circus Pirates 3 |
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*continued from Part 2*
Circus Pirates - Part 3
As Angie came on deck into the full sunlight, the voice called again, angrily, “Where did those two lazy, weaseling midgets run off to?!”
“Henry!” Angie said sharply. “You’d better be glad the girl was awake before you started shouting around the ship!” she took my arm again and pulled me out from behind her.
He froze, his mouth open, his speech stopped.
“Henry, this is Iza. Iza, this is our Captain. Just call him Henry. He doesn’t hurt anyone. He simply likes to shout.” Henry looked at Angie as if he was hurt with her giving away all his secrets like that. “He’s the one who picked you out of the water this morning!”
“Oh! Thank you,” I said slightly embarrassed of the situation. That meant he was the one who had cut my skirts off, and he was the one whose knife I had accidentally taken in my delirium this morning. It was funny to think this had all happened only a few hours ago in the first light of dawn.
After our long moment of awkwardness, he reached out his hand. I shook it. “It’s nice to formally meet you,” he said averting his eyes.
“Yes’sir,” I said, shaking his hand dutifully.
“Uh, Angie, you should show her around the ship,” he said.
Angie looked between us. “Did you want me for something?” she asked him. “You sure were putting up a fuss earlier,” she pointed out.
“Um, no,” he said. “Just some navigational issues. I can handle it,” he said uncertainly.
“No, no. If you navigated this ship, we’d end up right back where we started; I’ll go plot the maps. Why don’t you show Iza around the ship? You’re the Captain anyhow,” Angie said grinning. And before Henry could move, Angie was already crossing the length of the ship with her long strides to the Captain’s quarters. The Twins had since disappeared back underneath the ship’s deck. Henry and I were left standing awkwardly together.
I cleared my throat. “Well, um, thanks for saving my life, again,” I said.
“Uh, yeah! Sure. It was no problem,” he said as if he had returned a lost handkerchief to me.
“So, uhh, this is the deck?” I started.
“Yes!” he said. “The deck.” He turned around and went up a small ladder. I followed. “Here is the helm,” he said.
I thought this was somewhat obvious, but when he gracefully touched the wheel, he looked as if he belonged there. I smiled.
He shifted and looked out across the deck. He walked over to the railing and leaned on it. I joined him and looked at him.
“Did Angie tell you about us?” he asked.
“You’re pirates,” I said hoping he wouldn’t laugh at me too.
“Not quite,” he replied. He paused, as if in thought. “We were Hanson’s Circus act.”
I stared at him with a confused look. “What?” I asked.
“You met Cookie,” he grinned. “He’s our fat man.”
I though about this, then said quietly, “I should say.”
“Angie was our, um, ugly woman. She doesn’t like to talk about it,” he said with a sadder look on his face.
“She’s the sweetest lady, though,” I added.
“Yes,” he said. There was some silence between us. Then he continued, “The Twins whom you met, they were our human cannonballs and juggling team.”
“Yes, Angie told me about them.”
“They really are quite impressive to watch,” he said getting somewhat more excited. “Then, if you’ll look up in the roping, you’ll see our team of acrobats.” I looked up. Not noticing them before, I saw about six tan, slender, and agile acrobats jumping from line to line and sitting on topsail yards. “They were imported from Asia as children,” he sneered at the word ‘imported.’ “They have been with us in the circus since they were all eight. They’re sextuplets.”
I gaped at him and watched them seemingly play above as if the eighty-foot drop to the decks, or worse, water was nothing. They seemed to be in their late teens, early twenties now. Close to my age.
“I grew up with them,” Henry added, smiling. Henry didn’t look that young.
“How old are you?” I asked him.
“Oh, I’m thirty-two,” he said. “I meant that they’re like my siblings. I’m ten years older than them, but we all grew up under Hanson’s circus tents, so we have that in common.”
“Oh,” I said a little surprised. He didn’t look or act thirty-two.
At this time, an older man with graying silvery hair came up to the Quarterdeck. “Ah! Kross!” Henry said. Henry put a hand on the man’s shoulder. “Kross, this is the girl, Iza. Iza, this is my quartermaster, Kross.” I shook the man’s hand. He was dressed in a sharp blue uniform with double-breasted gold buttons down the front.
“Aye!” Kross exclaimed. “Good to meet you Miss!” he said with a jovial smile, and he actually bowed for me! I curtseyed in response.
“Kross was our muscleman,” Henry explained.
“I had been retired from performing for a few years,” Kross said. “But I stuck around to help train our new muscleman. These are all my family and I couldn’t leave them just because I was too old.” Kross’s face wrinkled with a happy kindness.
I couldn’t help but smile at that.
*Part 4 on its way* |
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Last edited by yoha_ahoy on Sun Mar 30, 2008 1:33 am; edited 3 times in total |
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Rei
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| Posted: Thu Mar 27, 2008 2:15 pm Post subject: |
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| This didn't really do much to push the story forward, but that's okay. I suppose it was really just meant to be a section for introductions anyway. But it really should be done in a way that moves the story forward as much as possible. Other than that, I have no comments except stuff I said earlier about descriptive details and such. God work! I eagarly await part four! |
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| Posted: Fri Mar 28, 2008 1:21 pm Post subject: |
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I agree with Rei that it was a bit of a filler and not too much happened, but I didn't find any huge mistakes or anything either. You might want to double check where/when you use comma's though. You have my problem and like to through them in at random.  Hehe.
But, overall, I liked this chapter. *Waits for next chapter!* |
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| Posted: Fri Mar 28, 2008 3:00 pm Post subject: *hovers on edge of seat for next chapter* |
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Ack!!! Henry sounds like a genuine hottie!!!! And sweet too...*Thoughtful look*...but,.. what was he in the circus? Do we know? Or has that not been decided yet?
I can't wait for part four!!!! ~.0 |
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JabberHut
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| Posted: Fri Mar 28, 2008 9:58 pm Post subject: |
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I read your first parts and...
I loved it! Had me hooked the whole time. I found a couple typos and such here and there, but I have been asked to crit part 3, so.. here goes!
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| He simply likes to shout, [period instead] ” |
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| “It’s nice to formally meet you,” he said, averting my eyes. |
Can someone avert someone else's eyes? Or can one person avert their own eyes? I'm thinking the latter, but it could just be me.. 
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| You’re the Captain any who,” Angie said grinning. |
I originally thought any who was one word, but I looked it up and it wasn't. I don't think the two words are right tho either. In fact, now that I think about it, I think it's anyhoo or any-hoo or something. I don't think who is even a part of it, but I really don't know.
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| I thought about this, then said quietly, “I should say.” |
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| “She’s the sweetest lady, though,” I added. |
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| “They really are quite impressive to watch,” he said, getting somewhat more excited. “Then, if you’ll look up in the roping, you’ll see our team of acrobats.” I looked up. Not noticing them before, I saw about six tan, slender, and agile acrobats jumping from line to line and sitting on topsail yards. |
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| “I grew up with them,” Henry added, smiling. Henry didn’t look that young. |
That's all the grammatic errors. 
This is an amazing story! I'm all excited about what will happen! Your characters are great, your description is amazing, and your flow is magnificent! There's really nothing to pick at except your comma usage in the tags. Watch for those.. and a couple re-wordings, I think. Otherwise, Bravo!
Keep writing! Let me know when the next part comes up!
Jabber, the One and Only! |
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kitty15
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| Posted: Sat Mar 29, 2008 1:51 pm Post subject: |
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This is good. I love the idea of a group of circus people running a ship but I think you need to consider the realness of the situation and be careful with consistency. Here's a few suggestions -
“Where did those two lazy, weaseling midgets run off to?!” [One punctuation mark is sufficient.]
“You’d better be glad the girl was awake before you started shouting about around the ship!”
“He’s the one who picked you out of the water this morning!” [Until this statement, she seems quite calm about the whole ordeal so I think a period would be better than an exclamation mark.]
That means meant he was the one who had cut my skirts off, and he was the one whose knife I had accidentally taken in my delirium this morning.
I hummed my agreement. [So first she thanks him enthusiastically and then she merely hums when he says it's nice to meet her? That isn't consistent. She seems very grateful previously so I think it would be more fitting to have her say something like 'Yes, it's nice to meet you too.' And this is a captain she's talking to, even if he doesn't act like it. A captain who saved her life. That's the sort of thing that would inspire respect in a person.]
“No, no. If you navigated this ship, we’d end up right back where we started; I’ll go plot the maps. Why don’t you show Iza around the ship? You’re the Captain anywho,” [I think it's 'anyhow' rather than anywho.]
“Uh, yeah! Sure. It was no problem,” he said as if he had returned a lost handkerchief to me. [You contradict yourself here. The exclamation mark suggests that it was a big deal and that he's talking loudly/ excitedly/ with feeling while your dialogue tag implies that he said it calmly as if it were nothing.]
“You’re pirates,” I said. [But she was told very strongly that they weren't pirates in the last chapter...]
“You met Cookie,” he grinned. “He’s our fat man.” [Henry seems a more caring, careful man than that and circuses don't tend to have 'fat' men. They have strong men or lion tamers.]
I gaped at him and watched them seemingly play above as if the 80-foot eighty foot drop to the decks, or worse, water was nothing. [Why is falling into the water where there's a chance that you can be rescued or can swim back to the ship worse than falling to the deck and probably cracking your skull open or breaking your neck?]
“Kross was our muscle-man,” Henry explained. [You have two people with a rather similar profession. I'd suggest making one a strong man and the other a lion tamer or something. You could maybe even have a lion or two on board. Now that would be interesting!]
“I had been retired from performing for a few years,” Kross said. “But I stuck around to help train our new muscle-man.
____________________________________
In general it's good and the characters are introduced well but try to keep in mind description and action. How is the weather? Is your persona the type to get a little sea-sick when looking up at the acrobats or just from the general movement of the ship? Is she perhaps still not feeling great after the morning's events? And Henry seemed a much younger man in your previous chapter so maybe make more of a point about him not looking his age.
Hope this helps a little and I can't wait to see how your plot develops,
Heather xx |
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yoha_ahoy
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| Posted: Sat Mar 29, 2008 3:34 pm Post subject: |
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Thank you Jabby and Heather! ^^ I made most of your fixes, but I would like to point out, Heather, that Fat Men were actually quite a popular and common occurence in circuses of this time. I did my research, so Cookie and Kross are staying. Part 4 is to come!
~Yoyo  |
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PenguinAttack
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| Posted: Fri Apr 11, 2008 12:58 am Post subject: |
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Hi Toy!
Okay! I love this for a character development chapter. It’s clear how you’re developing her relationship to Henry and the rest of the ship. And this is great, it’s always a little bit of a worry whether people are going to remember to do it. ^^
I agree about Henry’s age, make it a little clearer he doesn’t look his age, he certainly doesn’t feel it. ^^
Your flow is getting better per chapter – awesome! But! yOu’re still needing that description. I am loving how this is developing, though. Perhaps have a little more on what people, things, look like and her own feelings. I get the “I was shocked” but perhaps place an action with it, so as to show the shock rather than say it?
But! I’m liking this! ^^
*hearts* Le Penguin. |
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JFW1415
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| Posted: Sun May 04, 2008 12:30 am Post subject: |
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I'm back! Sorry if I miss anything; I was editing for content rather than punctuation/spelling.
Paragraph Edits
| Quote: |
“Henry!” Angie said sharply. “You’d better be glad the girl was awake before you started shouting around the ship!” sShe took my arm again and pulled me out from behind her. |
| Quote: |
| He froze, his mouth open, his speech stopped. |
A bit awkward. And why’s it such a big deal to him?
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| “Oh! Thank you,” I said slightly embarrassed of the situation. That meant he was the one who had cut my skirts off, and he was the one whose knife I had accidentally taken in my delirium this morning. It was funny to think this had all happened only a few hours ago in the first light of dawn. |
So how’s it feel? Expand on the emotions. And what’s it like out there? On top of the ship?
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After our long moment of awkwardness, he reached out his hand. I shook it. “It’s nice to formally meet you,” he said, averting his eyes.
“Yes’sir,” I said, shaking his hand dutifully.
“Uh, Angie, you should show her around the ship,” he said.
Angie looked between us. “Did you want me for something?” she asked him. “You sure were putting up a fuss earlier,” she pointed out.
“Um, no,” he said. “Just some navigational issues. I can handle it,” he said uncertainly. |
First, ditch nearly all of those tags.
Also, show us more! I can tell there’s tension with the dialogue, but I need to feel it! *Points to kitty’s critique* Listen to her; she’s a monster at description and emotions.
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| “No, no. If you navigated this ship, we’d end up right back where we started; I’ll go plot the maps. Why don’t you show Iza around the ship? You’re the Captain anyhow,” Angie said grinning. And before Henry could move, Angie was already crossing the length of the ship with her long strides to the Captain’s quarters. The Twins had since disappeared back underneath the ship’s deck. Henry and I were left standing awkwardly together. |
I had completely forgotten about Iza. Show the world from her perspective. Maybe Henry shoots a glance at her? The wind blows through her hair? She feels sick to her stomach on the rocking ship?
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| “Yes!” he said. “The deck.” He turned around and went up a small ladder. I followed. “Here is the helm,” he said. |
Again, watch your tags. We get it: ‘he said’ it. Don’t say it a thousand times.
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| I thought this was somewhat obvious, but when he gracefully touched the wheel, he looked as if he belonged there. I smiled. |
Thought what was obvious?
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| “You’re pirates,” I said, hoping he wouldn’t laugh at me too. |
| Quote: |
| “Angie was our, um, ugly woman. She doesn’t like to talk about it,” he said with a sadder look on his face. |
Sad? Doesn’t seem to fit. Maybe he had a grin on his face? If they were in the circus together, I’m assuming they would be close. They’d feel comfortable teasing each other about it.
Unless he’s sad remembering? If so, expand on this more.
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“Yes,” he said. There was some silence between us. Then he continued, “The Twins, whom you met, they were our human cannonballs and juggling team.” |
| Quote: |
| “Yes, Angie told me about them.” |
Then why did she still think they were pirates?
| Quote: |
| “They really are quite impressive to watch,” he said, getting somewhat more excited. “Then, if you’ll look up in the roping, you’ll see our team of acrobats.” I looked up. Not noticing them before, I saw about six tan, slender, and agile acrobats jumping from line to line and sitting on topsail yards. “They were imported from Asia as children,” he sneered at the word ‘imported.’ “They have been with us in the circus since they were all eight. They’re sextuplets.” |
| Quote: |
| I gaped at him and watched them seemingly play above as if the eighty-foot drop to the decks, or worse, the water, was nothing. They seemed to be in their late teens, early twenties now. Close to my age. |
Why is the water worse? Isn’t it safer than wood? They’d probably still get hurt, but…
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| “Oh,” I said a little surprised. He didn’t look or act thirty-two. |
Is he acting older or younger?
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| “Aye!” Kross exclaimed. “Good to meet you, Miss!” he said with a jovial smile, and he actually bowed for me! I curtseyed in response. |
| Quote: |
| I couldn’t help but smile at that. |
I feel I need a bit of dialogue at the end here.
Overall Comments
I'm just repeating myself here. More descriptions, emotions. Listen to kitty15.
Also, expand on their ages - let them act their age, or tell us that they act younger than they are.
PM me for anything.
~JFW1415 |
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| Posted: Mon May 05, 2008 3:12 am Post subject: |
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| awake before you started |
Just thinking, it would sound better if before was in italics.
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| I’ll go plot the maps. |
Plot the maps? It may just be that I know nothing about ships, but I'm thinking it should be I'll get the plot maps. Of course, I could be completely wrong.
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| I though about this, then said quietly, “I should say.” |
Haha! That is funny.
I'd change added to said, or put in, or something like that.
What's a quartermaster?
I'm liking this, with the exception of that I don't know anything about ships or pirates or that sort of stuff. But you've successfully made me interested in a story about that sort of stuff, which is no easy task.
I'll crit the other parts soon. |
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