Topic ID: 27771
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paloalto
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Age: 13
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 Posted: Thu Mar 27, 2008 1:38 am Post subject: Painting Sonata |
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Painting Sonata
Her skin is white like the sidewalks
in January.
I paint.
The colors spread on white satin, pulled
and rinsed. Pasty azure slithers into
corners, and the avocado
falls like a sunset on the horizon.
She reads poetry by the bed;
hands stained, I cup her chin
in my palms. Her cheeks are shit-
colored, and I can feel the headaches
rising, falling, like Mozart.
Standing under moonlight.
The rain plows her face
and the painting peels
like a waterfall of blushing
cheeks.
Beethoven, Strauss, dragging
my gray hair, her fingers like
popsicles, in and out, in and
out, in and out.
Red roofs shower us, nude
on the balcony.
I paint, and January holds
colors in its snow, like
the ocean, or a puddle;
Cold and hungry, we howl
as icy morning glosses the wooden
walls of home.
I paint, and she holds two
halves of a broken Haydn record
in my face. “Throw it
in the fire,” I cry, and she
pulls the blanket closer to
her pale skin.
We cremate the father of the
string quartet; we can still hear a
cello through the sparks.
I paint, a picture of a sun
square and silent, flowing like
a golden dress in a wedding, sun-slapped
skin and snow, white as skin.
We sing, drunk on
happiness, the ice
cloaking us like death.
I paint, and she lies naked on the couch
until winter ends. |
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lluvialover
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| Posted: Thu Mar 27, 2008 1:49 am Post subject: |
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wow! great imagery! although, No offense, but I never thought so much could be in a head of a thirteen year old. I have acouple of problems with it.
Maybe change "in my palms. Her cheeks are shit- colored," first of all shit colored? i don't think it's the best description...also it sounds impolite.
I don't understand who is the narrator of the poem? since you wrote, 'my gray hair", is it an old man?
thanks for posting such cool poem man =) |
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Angel of Death
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| Posted: Thu Mar 27, 2008 1:50 am Post subject: |
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| Wow this was interesting. I liked the imagery and the story you told but I feel something is missing. Where is the emotions? Maybe I've read the wrong way or maybe I didn't..but...well I liked in nonetheless. Shit-colored cheeks I think has to go, it messes with the flow of things. Good job, keep working!! |
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Gadi.
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| Posted: Thu Mar 27, 2008 5:03 am Post subject: |
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Wow. That was amazing. I can only sit here and be completely stunned.
My favorite line was the "father of the string quartet" one. It was amazing.
One of the best I've read on YWS. |
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GryphonFledgling
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| Posted: Thu Mar 27, 2008 8:29 pm Post subject: |
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This was a really interesting poem. There were so many different elements to it and they all tied together so nicely. It confused me occasionally, but overall, I found it a very pleasant reading experience.
I agree with just about everyone else - "shit-colored" cheeks doesn't conjure up a great image. It is a vivid one, but it doesn't really play into the rest of the poem very well. I would reconsider it.
Anyway, very nice job. Liked it mucho, me did.
*thumbs up*
~GryphonFledgling |
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kokobeans
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| Posted: Thu Mar 27, 2008 8:41 pm Post subject: |
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Her cheeks are what??
I really liked your descriptions at the beginning and your references to art, but I have to agree with Angel. The imagery was great, but I felt like I was being kept at a distance.
Great poem though, you're a brilliant writer, especially for your age. Keep it up. Kudos. |
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yoha_ahoy
yoyo
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| Posted: Fri Mar 28, 2008 9:19 pm Post subject: |
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Hey! Welcome to the YWS! This is a great piece and as everyone else has pointed out, wonderful imagery. You're really got a knack. I hope you stick around!  And feel free to PM me if you've got any questions! ^_^
~Yoyo  |
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Kenpachi Masamune
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| Posted: Sat Mar 29, 2008 3:39 am Post subject: |
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Complex and beautiful. Some of the metaphors need a bit of touching up.
'Waterfall of blushing cheeks' being one.
The whole 'in and out' thing after Popsicle fingers doesn't seem to work too well. Also if the in-joke was at Popsicle toes, you are dipping more into jazz. Still brilliant though. |
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