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TNCowgirl
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 Posted: Wed Mar 26, 2008 3:27 pm Post subject: Keri's love Chapter One Part one |
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I thought I would give this a shot, tell me what you think.
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Keri sat at her table watching the people dancing as she drank her water. She was supposed to be the driver that night, not that she wanted to. She was always the driver, she never got drunk, or even drank. Maybe it was because so many people in her family died because of alchohal. Maybe it was because she just didn’t like the taste. She didn’t really know for sure which it was. She frowned when she saw her friend start to drunkenly flirt with a guy. He was attractive, no doubt about that. But Liz, her friend, was making an utter fool of herself.
Sighing, Keri got up, walked over to Liz, grabbed her arm, and tried to pull her away.
“No, I was talking to this sweet guy.” Liz slurred. Keri looked at the guy apologeticly. He was standing there with his arms crossed, towering over both of the girls. Keri couldn’t help but notice his well built form. He was at least 6”5’, and a good 250. All of it was muscle too. His eyes were a beautiful blue that reminded her of the small creek that flowed through the property her parents lived on. His hair was brown and mused, it wasn’t very long, but it wasn’t a buzz cut either. His brozen skin made his eyes stand out all the more. She felt a blush creep over her cheeks and she looked away.
“Sorry,” She muttered tugging at Liz again.
“Keri, your red as an apple.” Liz laughed, Keri felt like slapping her over the face, but decided against it. She tugged at her friend’s arm again.
“Liz, let’s go before you make a bigger scene.” Keri whispered.
“Am I making a scene?” Liz laughed looking at the guy. “I don’t think so.” She suddenly doubled over and started throwing up. To Keri’s dismay Liz was throwing up all over the guys shoes! She groaned and pulled Liz towards a trash can where she continued to empty her stomach. Keri grabbed a handful of napkins and ran back to the guy.
“I’m so sorry.” She muttered handing him the napkins. He laughed, the first noise she had heard from him all afternoon. It was a nice laugh, nice and deep.
“Not your fault.” He smiled sitting down and wiping his shoe off. It was a pair of Ariat boots. “Your friend is lucky to have someone looking out for her.” He flashed those beautiful blue eyes at her and she felt herself being drawn into them.
NO! You know better then to let a guy take hold of you! She thought, she had been in a relationship once, and it didn’t turn out well.
“Well, I’m the only one that actually doesn’t drink.” She smiled, “I was kinda elected for the position and wasn’t allowed to say no.”
“How many friends do you watch out for?” He asked standing up after getting the rest of the vomit from his shoe.
“There are three of them. Liz, Beth, and Kate.” Keri replied, “They are all roomies, I’m just a friend of Liz’s so I got to know them.”
“College student?” He asked as they moved away from the throw up.
“Ya, well kinda, this is gonna be my last year. My parents need me back at the farm.” She smiled, “I don’t mind, I don’t like the big city part of this college.”
“Don’t blame ya. I hated college, but I had to go.” He replied,
“Why?” She asked looking up at him.
“Rules of th…” He stopped, “Of my folks.” He smiled,
“Ah yes, we get to be adults and we still have to listen to them to an extint.” She laughed,
“Looks like your friend feels better.” He said motioning to where Liz was dancing with some guy. Keri rolled her eyes and crossed her arms.
“Not surprising.” She smiled, “Liz is a big flirt, and she knows it.”
“Wanna dance?” He asked looking down at her. She had to look up, to see him, she was only 5”5’. She was small for twenty-two, but she had never let that stop her.
“Sure.” She smiled. The music was soft and slow and she had wanted to dance all night. Her heart seemed to leap up in her throat as she felt his arms wrap around her waist. She gingerly put her arms on his shoulders and let her body sway with the music. For some reason she wanted to never stop dancing. She felt something with his arms around her, a security maybe? She looked up and their eyes locked, she barely kept herself from gasping. His eyes seemed to be focused only on her. She felt he might kiss her, and for some reason she wanted him too. All the fears about guys seemed to float away when she looked into his eyes. |
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LunaBuna43
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| Posted: Wed Mar 26, 2008 9:33 pm Post subject: |
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ooh! TN I love this! Great job!
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| Maybe it was because so many people in her family died because of alchohal. |
It's supposed to be alcohol 
That's all I really found... I like how you described the guy. But, I didn't see anything on them introducing themselves to each other and that made it a little weird. 
Anywho, I really like this and can't wait to read more!!
~Lulu |
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TNCowgirl
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| Posted: Wed Mar 26, 2008 9:57 pm Post subject: |
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| They didn't introduce themselves, she didn't figure out his name until Amber said it. Ya that makes her sound really bad, but she isn't. , He just knew her name because of Liz. Thank you SO much for the crit. I was getting worried there for a while. I have a good amount on my computer. So if no one else really posts on this one I'll get more up. |
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GryphonFledgling
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| Posted: Fri Mar 28, 2008 1:45 pm Post subject: |
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"extint" = "extent"
Interesting first chapter. But I do have to repeat what has already been said in that they don't introduce themselves before they get really close.
When you have their heights and his weight, you put numbers in. In general, that is a no-no in creative writing. Instead of writing 6'5", just have "at least six and a half feet tall." It just looks better. And spell out "two hundred and fifty."
You have Keri pulling Liz over to trashcan while she is still throwing up. That would leave quite a big mess everywhere, since you really can't stop once you have started, since everything has to come up. Perhaps she brings the trashcan to her? Something like that?
"Rules of the..." what? Pack? I'm feeling somewhat like werewolf or vampire story here. Hm... Unless it is some mafia story. I dunno. *rubs hands together in anticipation*
Nice stuff. I look forward to reading more.
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TNCowgirl
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ashleylee
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| Posted: Fri Mar 28, 2008 1:56 pm Post subject: |
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Okay, I didn't find that much wrong with this piece. Only two nit-picks:
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| “Keri, your red as an apple.” Liz laughed, Keri felt like slapping her over the face, but decided against it. |
This should be "Keri, your red as an apple." Liz laughed. Keri felt like slapping her over the face, but decided against it. It should be two sentences instead of one.
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| It was a nice laugh, nice and deep. |
I think you should come up with another word beside nice. You use it twice in this sentence. I suggest changing it to It was a nice laugh, easy and deep. That sounds better (at least to me! )
Besides that, it was a creative piece. Oh, also, I think you should describe, more than tell what is happening in the scene. You have to help me picture what is going on!
Hope this helps! |
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