Topic ID: 27731
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caitlinko
Novice
Gender: 
Age: 16
Joined: 24 Mar 2008
Posts: 7
Reviews: 4
Country: Canada
300 Points
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 Posted: Wed Mar 26, 2008 5:54 am Post subject: Underappreciated |
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so shiny and silver.
I could be carted away and cherished
by a crow, and
it would be a more pleasant existence,
up,
all alone, in a nest,
than this endless drudgery.
pinch and release, pinch and release
with my small sharp jaws
I cut away smooth, thin slivers
hard and translucent half-moons
fall
to the floor.
sometimes then the corner of my
two curved teeth
is wedged gently under a toenail
and pries out dirt and
a small woolen knob |
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-Sir Winston Churchill |
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Snoink
BOING!
Writer of Legend
Gender:
Age: 19
Joined: 02 Apr 2005
Posts: 7705
Reviews: 1995
Country: USA
856 Points
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| Posted: Wed Mar 26, 2008 7:18 am Post subject: |
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This is clever! You're talking about tweezers, aren't you?  But really, I adore the imagery of the crow. Really fascinating stuff here!
I would probably fix some of the line breaks. Right now, some of them are really awkward. Just play with it for a while--if you can make such an amusing poem, I'm sure you can play with line breaks. ^_^
There are two (as I see it) problems. One is an easy fix... I would delete the first line. But the last line... it's like you're missing something there and I can't put my finger on it. So yay?
Anyway! Clever poem. I hope to see you on more on YWS. |
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GryphonFledgling
How you've turned my world, you precious thing...
Novelist
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Age: 17
Joined: 30 Dec 2007
Posts: 484
Reviews: 343
Country: in the slithy tove...
938 Points
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| Posted: Wed Mar 26, 2008 2:49 pm Post subject: |
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Hehe... Nail clippers. I swear, one of man's best inventions ever. But yes, they are sadly under appreciated and abused. Nice job drawing attention to them.
I liked the poem. It was short and sweet. The one awkward line break was
"fall
to the floor"
I didn't like this one. The other strange one (with 'up') actually felt fine to me. It was this one that seemed to throw it out of balance.
Very nice poem. I really liked it.
Welcome to YWS! I look forward to seeing you around more!
~GryphonFledgling |
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Ink is the strongest drug, the deepest ocean, the longest journey and the strangest love... ~me |
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casey_kent
...is AWESOME!!! ♥♥♥
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 13
Joined: 07 Feb 2008
Posts: 466
Reviews: 120
Country: land of mangoes and coconuts; where cherries are rare
1331 Points
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| Posted: Mon Mar 31, 2008 2:10 pm Post subject: |
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Hmm, nail cutters? Well, I liked your poem. It was clever. I agree that they are not appreciated but they are well-needed. So sad.
Welcome to YWS! |
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--chorus of the song 'Take it all' by Hillsong United |
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