Topic ID: 27615
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Gadi.
wise up.
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 Posted: Mon Mar 24, 2008 3:26 am Post subject: May |
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May
(Envy)
May.
She can play piano like an angel,
like Calliope in her song.
I watch my daughter’s fingers
glide across the piano, trying
to imitate May in erratic vain
until I sigh tiredly and rise from
the piano. I cross the lounge to the
kitchen. I lace my fingers in dough,
and it feels like May’s hair,
ebon, silk. I turn on the oven and
close my eyes, listening to my
daughter’s song, striving to repress
those variable notes, headaches
from too much coffee.
When I return, the piano is a
black carnation in the jungle.
It’s night, and I press a thick
black key on the piano. The
grasshoppers start to chirp
and I begin to cry. The black
keys are the strands in May’s hair.
My daughter watches from the stairs. |
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Firestar
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| Posted: Mon Mar 24, 2008 4:16 am Post subject: |
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| Interesting! Skipping from the first paragraph to the second paragraph is awkward though. |
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kokobeans
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| Posted: Mon Mar 24, 2008 11:21 pm Post subject: |
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I don't fully understand why you've split the lines the way you have, but I like it. I have to agree the break between the first and second paragraph is a little awkward.
At first this seems like a random story, but the final line pulls it all together, and like the way it's the only line that rymes too, that has a great effect.
I understand the theme of this whole poem, but I don't fully understand who May is. Is she a student of the mother, a friend or child in her care? Why does the mother cry? It doesn't seem clear, though maybe that's just me.
I also like the way you've made two references to May's hair being black, it gives enough detail to picture her playing the piano, without revealing her face.
This is a really interesting poem, keep up the good work. Kudos. |
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Darkhalm7_Melissa
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| Posted: Tue Mar 25, 2008 12:12 am Post subject: |
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Mistakes here and there. Also I didn't really grasp the concept. The whole thing overall...It was just confusing. Sorry. Please PM me when it's redone.
D7M |
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