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King of the North
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 Posted: Sat Mar 22, 2008 8:41 pm Post subject: War of the Willow - Prologue |
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Okay so this is the first part of the novel I have been writing for two years. Yes I said two years  . When looking back over this chapter I have to say that I'm disappointed in the lack of writing capability I express in it. It will most definitely need to be revised several times before it reaches an acceptable standard.
Other than that I hope you guys enjoy. Your reviews are much appreciated.
Prologue
Death was the only decoration in the room of Chirnis Sternfire, once of the house Belthorn, queen of Tygeria. Drapes of sheer darkness hung over the windows, the precious light they allowed in illuminating the silver threads that ran through the fabric, turning and twisting in a morbid design. No tapestries provided warmth for the walls or their memories to wandering guest; only a single portrait of a stern looking woman wearing a crown of silver told any story. Three doors led from the room, all kept close to keep the warmth from the fire from seeping out.
Chirnis lay quiet in her large four-poster bed; sheets of the heaviest linen bundled about her, while countless pillows found their place around her head. What hair she had left was thin and silky from grease, and scabbed bald patches were visible where hair once grew. The face that held power so long ago was now diminished into nothing more then a skeleton with pale, white skin stretched thinly across the bones.
A knock came from one of the doors, just loud enough that she could hear it over her deep breathing.
"Come." She said no more for her breaths had become too valuable to spare.
A pretty little girl of about ten opened the door cautiously and then rushed through it, leaving it open for anyone to enter, coming to a halt at the foot of her mother’s bed. Slightly, she edged around the bed; her eyes alight with tears at the sight of her dying mother.
"Mommy," she whispered into Chirnis’s ear, "I’m here."
With great effort Chirnis began to talk, every breath having the possibility of being her last. "Oh my dearest child, climb up here beside me. I wish to feel the warmth of you one last time." The child did as she was bid and snuggled against her mother’s thin frame. "That’s my girl. Now Cassandra, listen to me carefully for I have not spoken such words before. You must be strong as I move on to see our ancestors and you have to remember something of great importance." She stopped to fill her lungs with air and swipe a golden lock of hair from Cassandra’s face. "You must remember all that I have taught you over the years and promise me that you will use them when the time is right."
"I promise, Mommy, but why do you have to leave me? Why can’t you stay here forever?" Cassandra’s eyes could hold no more tears and with her words they began to roll in great droplets down her cheeks.
"Stop that! You are Cassandra Sternfire, heir of the Tygerian throne."
Chirnis could waste no more time. Life was quickly ebbing from her and she could not pass easily knowing that Cassandra would not know the truth. "Child, when you take the throne you must rule with an iron fist, yet use what I have taught you to gain support from the nobles and those farther down."
"Yes, mother," Cassandra said, wondering why she needed to know this now.
Chirnis looked down at her only child. "One last thing my dearest, no longer will you call Daedalus father for he is no such thing. You are the daughter of a great nobleman that I was and still am in love with. He will one day come to you and you must take him in."
Confusion colored Cassandra’s face red. What did she mean? How could Daedalus not be her true father?
"Daedalus knows nothing of this and you must not speak a word to him or anyone else, otherwise you will be taken as a bastard and the throne will no longer be yours. Do you understand?"
Cassandra shook her head, spraying tears everywhere. She was only a little girl. Why was such a burden being laid on her shoulders? "Mommy, you can’t leave me now! How will I know who my true father is?"
But the words were never heard, for Chirnis Sternfire, once of the house Belthorn, Queen of Tygeria, was dead. Her head swayed to one side; her eyes softly closed giving her a look of peace.
Cassandra wept for some time into the pillows. Nothing would be the same again. The family she once thought happy was shredded to pieces and she felt abandon by all that she loved. However, something important happened to her. In the final moments of her despair she realized that she had a great amount of growing up to do.
Crossing the bare wooden floors, she came to the large arched windows that her mother had loved. The sea whipped at the rocky barriers, creating thunder of its own accord. A tear fell quietly from her eye, holding within its depth the last moment of Cassandra’s childhood. |
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“Some people are like Slinkies: not really good for anything, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.”
Please review War of the Willow - Prologue
All comments are welcomed!
Last edited by King of the North on Sun Mar 23, 2008 1:36 am; edited 1 time in total |
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Loose
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| Posted: Sun Mar 23, 2008 1:29 am Post subject: |
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Ok, that font is disgusting.
What ever happened to classic font? Everyone is making theirs ugly. Please, fix it! |
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King of the North
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| Posted: Sun Mar 23, 2008 3:47 pm Post subject: |
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| I hope that's better. |
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Stella Thomas
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| Posted: Sun Mar 23, 2008 4:11 pm Post subject: |
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Hi, and welcome to YWS!!! Je suis Stella, I'll be your crit for today!
Right, onto the piece:
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| Death was the only decoration in the room of Chirnis Sternfire, once of the house Belthorn, queen of Tygeria. |
This would be a lovely opening line: were it not for the fact it felt like an infodump. Were I you, I would get rid of "once of the house of Belthorn"... otherwise it takes two readings to understand which, though I don't mind, isn't good as an opening line. This line is setting the standard for the rest, remember that.
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| What hair she had left was thin and silky |
It's just the word silky. Silky gives the impression of... nice... maybe try slimy, slick...?
Those are the only two specifics I wanted to mention. But I have a question about names. If you're going to use classical names, people will look for a meaning behind them, at least, I will. I'm just saying this, of course, maybe you chose Cassandra for a reason... just saying to be careful with it, alright?
Apart from that: this wasn't too bad actually! Don't put yourself down. As a whole, I'm sure it could do with some work to make it fabulous, but hey, it's not bad at all.
PM me if you have any questions!
-Stella |
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SishBee
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| Posted: Sun Mar 23, 2008 4:22 pm Post subject: |
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I am intrigued... Is the Daedalus in this the same Daedalus who made the Labyrinth, pushed Perdix of a cliff etc?
~SishBee~
x |
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King of the North
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| Posted: Sun Mar 23, 2008 8:01 pm Post subject: |
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Stella Thomas: Thanks for your words. I agree with you on the word silky. Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoyed. Also, on the name comment, I'm not sure exactly why you are warning me. I don't mean that to sound rude I'm just blanking on what there is to worry about if readers "find" meaning in a name. And no, Cassandra refers to no one that I can think of in history. I thought it felt very old and powerful so I used it.
SishBee: Daedalus is referring to classic greek literature. I liked the name due to a bit of irony that I found in it. I can't really say anything without giving the plot away. Thanks for reading though! |
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“Some people are like Slinkies: not really good for anything, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.”
Please review War of the Willow - Prologue
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Stella Thomas
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| Posted: Sun Mar 23, 2008 8:34 pm Post subject: |
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Okay, maybe it's just me with my weird, Classics obsession, when I read "Cassandra" I immediately think of the prophet Cassandra in Troy. She was given the power to prophecy by... think it was Apollo, but her curse was that when she did prophecy, nobody would believe her. Maybe it's just me with names... I don't know... in fact, it probably is, but I think straightaway that this child is going to tell the future...
Maybe you need a second opinion on this, I'm not sure if I'm the only one that thinks this... I would have passed it over if Daedalus didn't also have a classical name, but you say there's something behind that one, which is cool. |
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Absynthe
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| Posted: Sun Mar 23, 2008 8:53 pm Post subject: |
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Hey!!! i REALLY like this. Don't give yourself a hard time, i liked it alot. so what? it took a year.
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| Drapes of sheer darkness hung over the windows |
OK i thought this sounded weird. You should of said 'extremely dark drapes hung limply over the window"'
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| "Daedalus knows nothing of this and you must not speak a word to him or anyone else, otherwise you will be taken as a bastard and the throne will no longer be yours. Do you understand?" |
LOL i like the way you worded this ^^ and i liked how you used "bastard" lol. that's actually what people would call her and they usually kill babies that were born to a mother that wasn't married.
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| Cassandra shook her head, spraying tears everywhere |
lol don't say spraying tears everywhere. Next time you cry shake your head and see if your tears spray. its doesn't work that way!
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| The family she once thought happy was shredded to pieces and she felt abandon by all that she loved |
say abandoned instead.
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| Confusion colored Cassandra’s face red. |
i don't think that you blush when your curious. try leaving out red and it will be good.
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| She stopped to fill her lungs with air and swipe a golden lock of hair from Cassandra’s face |
the way you described her mother was great, but use words like haggard, shaky, strangled, hacking, strained, ext to describe her so she sounds more sick and old.
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| Crossing the bare wooden floors, she came to the large arched windows that her mother had loved. The sea whipped at the rocky barriers, creating thunder of its own accord. |
so I'm guessing that she lives on the sea shore. here's what i would of said:
She crossed the weathered wooden floors, she came to the old arched windows and swung the drapes open.
light blinded her momentarily. She looked out the window, tears rolling down her cheeks.
The sky, ocean, rocks, and the sand all looked Grey, reflecting the death of her mother. The waves bashed into the wall of rocks, spraying wildly. The sound of the waves were comforting to her, they sounded like home. |
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Kraemer
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| Posted: Mon Mar 24, 2008 4:00 pm Post subject: War of the Willows. |
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You're a big fan of GRRM aren't you.
First your identity, then the whole telling Cassandra about the intrigue needed to get support from the nobles
Also, why are frowning about working for two years? It takes many more years than that on average to get the first book done. Because you have to work out everything that happens, which is hard especially in a series.
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| A knock came from one of the doors, just loud enough that she could hear it over her deep breathing. |
Usually deep breathing is a sign of health, it means your lungs are working. You could say "her ragged breathing" or "her asthmatic breathing"
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| She was only a little girl. Why was such a burden being laid on her shoulders? |
I don't know how many ten year olds really understand the implications of being a bastard in those days. Maybe once you're a teen, but I find it hard to believe that the child Cassandra, would understand the extremity of being a bastard. |
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King of the North
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| Posted: Mon Mar 24, 2008 5:04 pm Post subject: |
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Absynthe: Thank you for reviewing. It really helps to get feedback from people. Lol, yeah I realized that tears didn't spray I was just being dramatic. But your right, I'll have to change it. And also, I'll be taking red out. I think it works just as well without it. Thanks again for your help.
Kramer: Hehehe, yeah I'm a huge GRRM fan. In fact I love GRRM. I think he's a master at what he does (I prefer him above Robert Jordan and Terry Brooks). Thanks for pointing out the deep breathing thing. I will have to change that. The one thing I think people will come to understand about Cassandra is that she definitely can not be compared to anyone else. That's the only reason I disagree with you, but of course you wouldn't know that since you have not read the rest of the book.
Thanks again to both of you for reviewing. Its helpful to have another voice in this process. |
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“Some people are like Slinkies: not really good for anything, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.”
Please review War of the Willow - Prologue
All comments are welcomed! |
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Absynthe
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| Posted: Mon Mar 24, 2008 10:42 pm Post subject: |
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LOL no prob!! any time! If you pm me the next time u post something that needs reveiwing ill be sure to!!
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King of the North
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| Posted: Tue Mar 25, 2008 7:07 pm Post subject: |
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| Will do. Thanks again. |
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“Some people are like Slinkies: not really good for anything, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.”
Please review War of the Willow - Prologue
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KJ
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| Posted: Tue Mar 25, 2008 7:36 pm Post subject: |
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| It wasn't bad. But one thing bothered me. At first the mother was all, "Oh come here my dear" and then when her daughter expressed sadness at her leaving she got uptight and snapped "Stop that! You are the heir..." etc, etc. Seems inconsistent. Other than that, I liked it and thought it intriguing. Write more. |
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King of the North
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| Posted: Thu Mar 27, 2008 9:22 pm Post subject: |
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| KJ: Thanks. That really is Chirnis' personality. She can be kind until you annoy her. It just so happens that crying annoys her. But I understand where your coming from. I might have to make that part of her personality more clear. Thanks again. |
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“Some people are like Slinkies: not really good for anything, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.”
Please review War of the Willow - Prologue
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KJ
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| Posted: Thu Mar 27, 2008 9:23 pm Post subject: |
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