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by wisemann210 in Art & Photography |
This thread was created on March 21, 2008
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Topic ID: 27524
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Lil_Pau
Senior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 13
Joined: 11 Oct 2007
Posts: 195
Reviews: 95
Country: Land of Eternal Dawn
354 Points
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 Posted: Sat Mar 22, 2008 2:57 am Post subject: Heart Of The Fire |
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Heart Of The Fire
by Lil_Pau
Inspired by photo number #2
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The eye of the fire is stirring-
It swirls beneath my unsteady feet
Like autumn leaves in the wind.
The ears of the fire are hearing-
Watching and waiting for secrets to pass by.
But if you come by the burn of dawn,
I'll be glad to tell you about
The fire of the eyes.
The tip of a flaming blade is rising,
Piercing the night with a smoky flourish.
Paper roses in an imaginary garden,
They melt at the touch of fiery fingers.
If you stroll by the burning bushes,
I won't hesitate to tell you about
The rage of a blazing core.
We'll share the fragments of light,
Rejoicing and picking up
The pieces of
A fire's heart. |
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Victory is the result of a fight, determination is its base.
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Kylan
Maverick!
Master of the Forum
Gender: 
Age: 16
Joined: 21 Apr 2007
Posts: 1039
Reviews: 253
Country: USA
248 Points
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| Posted: Wed Mar 26, 2008 12:59 am Post subject: |
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Entry Critique:
I enjoyed this piece. It has some good imagery, beautful expressions, and solid syntax. On the whole, nice job.
I only have a few problems here. First off, you began every line with a capital letter, as if you let Word auto-correct everything for you. Something about straight caps for every new line annoys me. It ruptures the flow of things. Seeing a capital letter, I automatically assume that you're beginning a new sentence and it kind of fragments the poem. Consider reworking that. Suzanne has a good article out on this subject entitled: Poetry and Punctuation. Check it out. It might do you some good.
Also, the meaning eludes me. Pretty words strung together do not a poem make. Sure, you have every right to be obscure - after all, I don't want you to spoon feed this to me - but sometimes you need to narrow your focus and give as a point. What are you trying to say?
But, as I said before, it's a beautiful poem. And if you chose not to change anything, you'll still have a piece that surpasses at least half of some of the stuff that shows up in the forums.
I'm looking forward to more.
-Kylan |
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"'At's the shtuff! Give the friggin' world back to the friggin' people!"
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Kix39
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 24 Mar 2008
Posts: 22
Reviews: 10
300 Points
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| Posted: Wed Mar 26, 2008 1:47 am Post subject: |
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| I liked this peice, only it was a little too into me, I don't want to say lighten up, but them again I do! |
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| This thread was created on March 21, 2008 |
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