Topic ID: 27519
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idle muse
Novelist

 Gender:  Age: 15 Joined: 08 Dec 2007 Posts: 345 Reviews: 25 Country: United Kingdom 300 Points
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Posted: Fri Mar 21, 2008 11:55 pm Post subject: Life |
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I wrote this a rainy Thursday night for a friend. And yes, I deliberately didn't give either of them names, in case anyone was wondering.
They're eyes met across a party. It was dark, and techno music pulses incessantly in the background. Neither fit in, they both knew that within seconds of seeing each other. Him, with his long coat and mysterious allure, and him, sitting by the corner, wishing he was at home with a book. Both young, both confused, both searching for the answers to the questions that plagued the deepest recesses of their minds.
It's beautiful. It always is.
They're lips meeting, knowing the sheer thrill of forbidden pleasure, both loving the excitement and the danger. Electricity danced between them, their eyes burning holes in each other. They moved with the music in the black closet, holding each other close, both knowing how their friends would react, their family. And neither caring. Each one lost in the other.
It's unfair. It always is.
Their tryst discovered, enduring the torment and humiliation. Suddenly friends turned away, and even teachers became cold and distant. Their families sat them both down, explaining to them in patronising tones that this was a phase, a challenge, something to be overcame. Both nodded obediently in acquiescence, both sneering inside.
It's funny. It always is.
Ten years later, a black tie reunion. Them, a lawyer and an academic, holding hands, dressed flawlessly in Armani. The rest, looking on jealously, hands clutching champagne glasses until the knuckles turn white. They smile and glance at each other, triumph playing in their eyes. The same place where they met, only fancier now, and gentle classical music floats through the auditorium. Before they know it they're dancing again, but in the centre of the room now, and all eyes are fixed on them.
It's sad. It always is.
He, the dark and mysterious stranger who captured his heart so many years ago, lies weak and helpless on the hospital bed. Blinking lights and the quiet humming of machinery are in the background. The radio blares out tinny music, the latest pop. They hold hands, both crying. They're lips meet one final time. Then he's gone, and his lover is left alone, never to dance with him again.
It's life. |
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TNCowgirl
Horse Freak/ Storybook junkie Writer of Legend

 Gender:  Age: 16 Joined: 13 May 2007 Posts: 5069 Reviews: 98 Country: USA 147 Points
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Kalliope
Senior Writer

 Gender:  Age: 15 Joined: 24 Sep 2007 Posts: 220 Reviews: 105 Country: somewhere between heaven and hell 563 Points
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Posted: Sat Mar 22, 2008 11:13 am Post subject: |
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Hi idle muse,
I really enjoyed reading this. It took me a pragraph or two to get used to the piece and there were one ore two phrases that sounded a little cliché to me.
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| ...searching for the answers to the questions that plagued the deepest recesses of their minds. |
This for example. And the secong paragraph was also pretty close to the border.
I don't know, if I'd change it though, because I liked it better when I read it the second time.
After that you really had me. I really love the way you described everybody turning away from them and then the reunion. Ha! Loved it. The ending was very strong aswell.
The little sentences about life are great.
Keep up the good work!
~Kalliope |
Last edited by Kalliope on Sat Mar 22, 2008 2:04 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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Stella Thomas
The angels have the phone box... Master of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 15 Joined: 29 Dec 2007 Posts: 1098 Reviews: 182 Country: Ankh-Mopork 373 Points
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Posted: Sat Mar 22, 2008 1:06 pm Post subject: |
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This is beautifully written, but in the first two large paragraphs, you say "they're" instead of "Their"... just a little typo you might want to change.
But apart from that, very nice. |
_________________ "If you are a dreamer, come in. If you are a dreamer, a wisher, a liar, A hope-er, a pray-er a magic bean buyer, If you're a pretender come sit my my fire, For we have some flax golden tales to spin. Come in, come in!" -Shel Silverstein. |
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Kadie
Senior Writer

 Gender:  Age: 17 Joined: 21 Jan 2008 Posts: 161 Reviews: 38 Country: Sheffield, UK 331 Points
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Posted: Sat Mar 22, 2008 5:37 pm Post subject: |
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This is really beautiful and really sad. I loved the repetition in this piece, it just brings the whole thing together for me at the end when it says 'It's life'
Just a few nit picks, i really didn't find much wrong with this.
- It was dark, and techno music pulses incessantly in the background
I think 'pulsed' would be better here. Pulses kinda throws the tense off a little i think.
- something to be overcame
Overcome. Overcame is past tense, i think overcome fits better as in this situation it it hypothetical future tense kinda. If you get what i mean. Ignore me if you don't lol.
Anyway, great job. Really moving.
Kadie xxx |
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mizz-iceberg
cHilL Novelist

 Gender:  Age: 14 Joined: 14 Apr 2007 Posts: 464 Reviews: 206 Country: Canada 334 Points
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Posted: Sun Mar 23, 2008 3:30 pm Post subject: |
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I loved the way you wrote this. And i liked your view on life. Also, I can see why you left out the names of the characters. Names weren't needed. I got the complete message, the story and didn't feel as if there was missing information. I rather liked the repetition of 'It always is'.
There was a steady rhythm to this story.
My favourite line:
Both nodded obediently in acquiescence, both sneering inside.
keep writing  |
_________________ Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
Got YWS? |
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elephantwalrus
Senior Writer


Age: 16 Joined: 14 Mar 2007 Posts: 174 Reviews: 138
300 Points
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Posted: Sun Mar 23, 2008 6:07 pm Post subject: |
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This is a nice piece; the rhythm flows smoothly, making the piece very easy going. I liked the diction of the piece, but the voice was dull. Maybe that’s just my preference.
Other than that, there was just one thing that I did not like in the piece: the line “It’s sad. It always is.” It seems out of place; all the other “It always is” lines describe the paragraph before them, but this one describes the one after. It throws the reader off, I think.
One last thing: you seem to change tenses a couple times. Try reading it aloud to catch where the tenses change.
Once again, nice job! |
_________________ You have just had the meritorious honor of encountering River L. Dayes. Don't let it get to your head. |
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idle muse
Novelist

 Gender:  Age: 15 Joined: 08 Dec 2007 Posts: 345 Reviews: 25 Country: United Kingdom 300 Points
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Posted: Sun Mar 23, 2008 6:35 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks. I know I flit from tense to tense a bit, I'll change that now. I really appreciate all the feedback  |
_________________ Religion is the opium of the masses.
- Karl Marx
I can kill you with my brain.
-River Tam |
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casey_kent
God-breathed warrior♥♥♥ Speaker of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 13 Joined: 07 Feb 2008 Posts: 722 Reviews: 125 Country: land of mangoes and coconuts; where cherries are rare 1234 Points
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Posted: Mon Mar 24, 2008 2:50 am Post subject: |
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| AAWW. I enjoyed this poem. Beautiful but sad. I Like it. A star for you! |
_________________ Aunt Celeste: (to Maggie) Brian, Brian, Brian... Didn't you used to have a stalker named Brian?
Brian: (grins) The one and only. She finally came to her senses.
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Christianity is not a religion, it's a relationship. |
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OverEasy
I are cute O.O Speaker of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 18 Joined: 01 Jan 2008 Posts: 763 Reviews: 122 Country: The Lovely Hills of BubbleYum! 325 Points
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Posted: Mon Mar 24, 2008 3:38 am Post subject: |
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| I actually love the fact that neither of them have names, they don't need them. I really think giving them a name may have been more distracting than anything. It's sad and dramatic but in such a beautiful way. I really adore it. |
_________________ If I can write one line of one story that touches someone in some way. Then my one dream in life has come true. |
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Kick_the_sky504
Junior Writer

 Gender:  Age: 16 Joined: 17 Jan 2008 Posts: 16 Reviews: 7 Country: United States 300 Points
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Posted: Mon Mar 24, 2008 9:45 pm Post subject: |
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| Very good. I loved it. It flowed very nicly and the outlook on it was very good. Even if the tenses were a little off it looked fine to me. I didn't notice till after I read over it a few times. I hope to see more of your writing. |
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Angel of Death
Novelist

 Gender:  Age: 14 Joined: 04 Nov 2007 Posts: 459 Reviews: 244 Country: Behind the Sea 1050 Points
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Posted: Mon Mar 31, 2008 11:15 pm Post subject: |
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| This was so beautiful, I love the way you separated the paragraphs with sentences and how it ended...It's life. True brilliance!!! |
_________________ "Like the apple that passed through both the lips of Adam and Eve, you are forbidden. So if I were to pick you from a garden that has been coveted by another man, then I shall have hell to pay for my sins,"-Me |
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PerforatedxHearts
known as Serena. Novelist

 Gender:  Age: 14 Joined: 06 May 2007 Posts: 364 Reviews: 113 Country: United States 337 Points
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Posted: Tue Apr 01, 2008 12:51 am Post subject: |
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4 stars out of 5.
You did pretty well concerning composition. At first I was worried that you were doing paragraph/line/paragraph/line, and not linking them all together, but you did fairly well with that. The last paragraph [the last chunk of text, that is] disappointed me, though. It wasn't the right kind of twist, if you can understand. I felt cheated as a reader, felt like you just threw that in.
However, it's a story, and I'm just one input, but overall it popped out. I liked it. :]
Yes, normally, I don't do well with this type of fiction, but you handled it nicely.
--Seree. |
_________________ "Video games don't affect kids. If Pacman had affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in darkened rooms, munching magic pills, and listening to repetitive electronic music." --anonymous/banner.
Kiss Kiss Write Write. |
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ambercoultis
at her home away from home Master of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 13 Joined: 29 Mar 2008 Posts: 1963 Reviews: 105 Country: Misery of the USA(Missouri) 343 Points
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Posted: Tue Apr 01, 2008 2:12 am Post subject: |
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center is spelld wrong...
Hey are they gay?
Just wondering....
-em |
_________________ Bone dead. Brain dead. All dead. That sum up dead for you?
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idle muse
Novelist

 Gender:  Age: 15 Joined: 08 Dec 2007 Posts: 345 Reviews: 25 Country: United Kingdom 300 Points
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Posted: Tue Apr 01, 2008 10:35 am Post subject: |
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| Centre is the correct form of spelling in British English. And yes, they are gay, why? |
_________________ Religion is the opium of the masses.
- Karl Marx
I can kill you with my brain.
-River Tam |
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